Bum Knees and Barbie Dolls

Hi.

It’s been a really long time.

There have been quite a few instances where I’ve thought about posting here, but somehow I always ended up doing something else, forgetting to, neglecting to, so on and so forth. And it’s really a bit of a shame, because this blog is a form of therapy.

And I need that right now. Which is why I’ve decided to update it again.

First thing’s first: I hyperextended my left knee on Wednesday evening at my new job, while I was squatting in some new linen pants I’d bought the previous day that have absolutely no give and get crazy tight when I bend my legs. I heard two very loud consecutive pops and it felt like my knee popped out and back in again, and I lost my balance. I felt immediate pain, but it wasn’t really excruciating, just extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t immediately ice it. In fact, I still had an hour and a half left of work before going home, and when I went home, I didn’t take care of the injury, but rather walked normally out and about for 3 hours with my mom with very minor, almost unnoticeable pain in my knee.

I went to work the following day, and progressively felt my knee feel stiffer. I mostly limped around all night. The following day (yesterday) I went to the doctor because as with nearly every time I’m injured or sick, my brain goes into hypochondria mode and I jump to the absolutely worst possible conclusions, this time being “WHAT IF I NEED SURGERY AND I NEVER WALK AGAIN” or “WHAT IF I NEED SURGERY AND THEY GIVE ME ANTIBIOTICS THAT I COULD BE ALLERGIC TO AND I DIE?” because that’s literally how my mind works. Anyway, doctor told me to basically relax, monitor the leg, and go to the ER/hospital if it gets worse. I also went in to get an X-Ray, which came out normal, thankfully.

In the past 36 hours, my knee itself has been relatively alright, but my calf (possibly Achilles tendon?) feels sore when I walk and stretch it or when I’m sitting and I push onto the balls of my feet. I believe this pain has gotten a little bit better in the last 6 hours or so. I called the clinic a couple hours after I woke up and told them my fears about my calf/Achilles and they just told me the same thing – to keep monitoring it, relax, ice it.

While I was waiting to be signed in for my X-Ray yesterday, I noticed two pennies on the ground, and as I was picking up the second, I noticed a third as well. I picked up a penny at work the other day as well, when I was limping around. I often find that when I’m in times of need or feeling hopeless or having ongoing anxiety attacks, I find coins everywhere. And I find it really comforting. I recall Sylvia Browne saying that your loved ones on the other side will drop coins around you to let you know they’re there for you. I think my loved ones drop them around me to let me know everything will be okay. And I am eternally grateful, because I often make a mountain out of a mole hill when it comes to medical problems. I need to see a therapist about it, I know.

961440_10155388603335322_86264162_nOn a somewhat related note, the night that I hyperextended my knee and went shopping with my mom, I bought two Barbies. Before you judge me, I ask that you don’t. I’m already judging myself. But I’ve wanted to customize and photograph and design clothes for them for nearly two years now, and I deeply regret donating the two I had for over a decade. They were much better quality, I could bend their limbs, their hair was nicer, and most of all, I didn’t pay for them. Plus, I had a box full of clothes for them. I donated that as well. I think. I may have thrown it away now that I think about it.

I started customizing them the night that I brought them home. I painted freckles on their faces. I painted the blonde’s eyes green and her lips red, and I plan on coloring her hair so she’ll be a ginger. I can’t do much with the other one’s hair – it’s a medium brown. I could dip dye it in something vibrant, perhaps. The blonde one came with a ton of shoes, half of which I spray painted black earlier today and are currently drying in my garage. I haven’t started making any clothes for them yet, but I want to recreate the carnation dress that won me that fashion show. Maybe Mattel will see my extraordinary creations and hire me to develop tres chic couture for Barbies to revamp their popularity with the youths of today.

And then, after all that labor, I plan on photographing them. One of my friends asked me if I’d made a light box yet, after I told him about this idea, and I said no, but that would be an awesome thing for this little plan, and he said that’s why he brought it up. So there’s that as well. That bit should be relatively easy actually.

So those are my most recent developments. The jewelry store closed down so I’m at a new retail place. And I teach painting, which I was supposed to do tonight, but ended up cancelling because I really didn’t feel up for it with this leg. Plus, I binge watched the entire first season of American Horror Story yesterday and today, and you know what, I don’t feel too guilty about it. I liked Evan Peters before, but now I like him even more. Like this show has reminded me how attractive I find him. I didn’t start the second season tonight because I don’t really like watching horror at night, so I’ll probably watch some tomorrow.

Generation Take-the-Reins

I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with a good topic to discuss on this blog for a month now, and Betsy gave me the best idea. Instead of getting into a stupid internet drama comment battle with my neighbor, I’d like to lay out my ideas about my generation, based on this article which talks about why corporate America is shitting its pants because of Generation Y, and this comment, which I received from my next-door neighbor on Facebook after sharing the article:

Who us going to support you and pay your bills because your generation refuses to sit in cubical sand take orders from a boss you can’t stand or a job you hate? Who is going to clean the house? We’d all like to be that way but some if us have to bust our asses to pay for a house and bills for our kids. I know you Viviana are not lazy but yes many people in your generation have a huge sense if entitlement.

This article basically outlines the fact that my generation is a “fuck you, we don’t take no shit from nobody and we’re tired of playing by your shitty societal rules” kinda people, and corporate America doesn’t know how to handle it. Really, they talk about how previous generations in general don’t know how to handle it, but the focus is career based. And damn is it true. If my neighbor’s comment says anything (aside from some rather atrocious grammar) it’s that she took away nothing from that article except that my generation is “entitled”!

Except that we’re not. I don’t think it’s entitlement to want the same things that generations before were able to get with ease. Like, you know, a nice paying job, with benefits and enough money to save for a rainy day or a vacation. And minimal debt and affordable college education. How is that entitlement? We’ve been told all our lives that THAT’S the path to a nice little life. And frankly, we’ve found that to be a lie and we’re not down for it.

It’s not that we expect a silver platter to be laid on our laps, it’s that we don’t take things at face value as they’re given to us. We challenge what we’re told, we dig deeper, we’re inquisitive. Yes, we don’t believe in wasting our lives sitting in cubicles being dictated to be some asshole in a suit. But isn’t that a good thing!? Shouldn’t people be rejoicing that a generation has finally had enough of that shit? Or is it generational jealousy that’s causing this rift?

Here’s the thing about Generation Y. We’re a bunch of do-it-yourselfers and startups and community builders (take a look at all the sweet community projects happening in Detroit that are aided along by young Detroiters) because we realize that the societal norms that have been pushed upon us all our lives – go to college, get a job, get married, start a family – aren’t what we want. We don’t want to be corporate slaves, wasting our time in some office or some retail place, watching our blood pressure rise and the wrinkles form on our faces from all the stress. We’ve decided that we don’t need to continue working some shitty job with shit hours and shit pay that gives us nothing but shitty outlooks. We’re tired of helping the shitty job wheel keep turning and we’re doing something about it because we refuse to believe that our lives should be dictated by a job we hate. There are literally so many better things we could be doing with our time and we’re taking action.

We’re not okay slaving at the bottom, working laughable minimum wage jobs despite having 4 year college degrees, while corporate bosses rake in 6 figures and up dictating to us about things they’ve never done in their lives. We’ve had enough of unfair working conditions, hypocritical politicians, and massive corporations lying to our faces with a toothy grin. We’re Generation Take-the-Reins and our predecessors are scared of us.

They’re scared of our potential so they try to slander us by calling us lazy, entitled, and stubborn. They try to put us down by pointing out that we’re still living at home with our parents, and we’re okay with it. But they fail to point out that the reason we’re still living at home with our parents is because we can’t get independently livable wage jobs with the frequency and availability that previous generations did. And as the vast majority of corporate owned jobs are run by people from previous generations, we’re not to blame for that.

Yes, we approach work from a different angle than people are used to. We refuse to adhere to schedules that don’t work and cover our tattoos and take out piercings because it makes you “uncomfortable”. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to work or aren’t willing to work. It means that we’d rather do it on our own terms, and not just for money, but for the betterment of our society, for things we care about, and for our future generations. My generation wants to change things, and to change things, we must first look at what we’re given from a different perspective. That’s what previous generations find disconcerting – that we’re taking a legitimate hard look at what’s wrong with our society and we’re challenging these norms – and not quietly, but loudly and vehemently, with every fiber of our beings.

We still want a lot of the same things everyone else wants – an enjoyable, happy life, filled with good people, good memories, some extra cash to go sight-seeing and travel a bit, maybe a happy little family and someone to love us – but we’re doing it differently. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but that’s what change is. It’s constant and it’s moving, and someday a different generation will have us squirming in our seats, but we’ll know that we started something positive, not just for us, but for them, and theirs.

So don’t all us entitled. Don’t call us lazy. And don’t call us stubborn. We’re challenging beliefs and shaking the building blocks of a wall of lies. We’ve had enough of the force-fed ideal lifestyle bullshit that’s been shoved down our throats our in entire lives, and we’re reconstructing the meaning of an ideal lifestyle. We are Generation Y, damnit, and we’re proud of it.

The Stresses

I’m upset.

Reason 1: 

Tonight I had to deal with very upset customers because one of my co-workers neglected to mention the item she bought was FINAL SALE (not returnable). At the end of the ordeal, the lady happy with a smile on her face. But that does not diminish the fact that I had to deal with her anger for a good 20 minutes prior to having to make her happy because of someone else’s ineptitude and greediness.

Reason 2:

With less than a week of wearing my second pair of contacts, I have officially put a tear in my left one while taking it out tonight because my nails are long and I pinched it out with my nails. This is entirely my fault. And I’m simultaneously mad and sad about it. It’s one of those situations where I just want to kick myself because there is no one else to blame but me. We have a word for it in Romanian, but there isn’t one in English.

Reason 3:

My job sucks. I hate retail. I hate customer service. Jobs in the field I studied are very much not abundant in Michigan and I do not have the funds to move out to a different state/country. Any time I apply for a design job that’s out of state, I feel like it’s completely useless and like I’m not being taken seriously because of where I got my degree from, because I’m out of state, and because no matter how impressive my skills set and honors are, I feel like my resume doesn’t reflect what verbal communication does.

Reason 4: 

I think the stress of working more and worrying about bills and future jobs prospects is making my hair fall out, but I’m not sure. My pony tail feels really small when my hair is straight or wet. But when it’s curly, it feels fine – it’s super thick as usual. The idea itself only adds to my worry list which I know is absolutely 100% NOT conducive for creating a positive outlook for myself.

Reason 5: 

I joined Weight Watchers again and instead of losing weight in the past week, I managed to gain weight. Additionally, I find that I do not have enough time in the day to exercise and do everything else I need to do. This is also stressful.

Can I please be a kid again? Life was so much simpler then.

A Few Things

Thing 1: I’d really like to get myself a set of Tarot cards. So far I’m drawn to the Dreaming Way deck above all others. I’ve also thought about designing my own deck and doing my own hand-drawn, hand-painted designs. I think that would make the deck even more energized than just buying it off the shelf. But it would also require more time and energy than just giving Amazon $14. We’ll see. It’s in my wishlist.

Thing 2: I’d like to get back into meditating more often again. While reading about Tarot vs. Oracle decks/cards, I found my way to alpha state meditation. What is alpha state of mind? Great question. According to this little article, it is:

The electromagnetic pulse of planet Earth is known as the Schumann Resonance. Although there are fluctuations, this planetary heartbeat maintains an overall measurement of 7.8 Hz. When we relax and slow our brain waves in meditation down to the alpha level – between 14 and 7 cycles per second – and in particular 7.8 cps, we are meshing with the Earth’s deep rhythm and we enter our psychic realms.

So of course I went on Youtube and found some guided meditation videos to help me try it out. And I will be doing so tonight.

Thing 3: Today I was playing around with my crystal quartz pyramid. I stuck it on my forehead (it always makes me feel a lot better about anything and everything when I do that) for a little bit, and then decided to put it on top of my head. After maybe 30 seconds, I tipped my head backwards a little bit and it fell off and shattered in the corner. I’m really rather upset about this for several reasons.

I don’t feel like it’s going to work like it should anymore now that it’s broken and missing a chunk.
I FEEL BROKEN AND LIKE I’M MISSING A CHUNK NOW THAT I’VE HELPED IT ON IT’S WAY TO BEING BROKEN AND MISSING A CHUNK.
Sigh, I definitely feel the need to buy a new one now and they’re not cheap, which leads me into…

Thing 4: I recently got bumped up to low end full time hours, among other kinda yay things at job 1. This means more $ which will be nice. However, I’m desperately trying to save my money for many reasons including:

– Amanda’s wedding and related activities requiring $$$
– Really want to get Chromecast which is not expensive, but would like not to cut deeper into my pockets at the moment
– Desperately need to get my hair cut and colored
– Bills bills bills!!!
– Would love to travel soon (not far, maybe like Chicago or somewhere up north) for a weekend, always need $$$ for that
– Spontaneous events, such as salsa dancing (might/will make a post about that soon)
– General accumulation of “wealth”

No matter how much I’d love to get away from our current system of monetaryness (???) the world is still heavily and prominently dependent on money and therefore I still need it. Sigh.

At least I’m not moping about my nonexistent love life anymore. (It’s still nonexistent.)

Happy Halloween 2013!

I should’ve turned off my computer half an hour ago, but I got distracted. I really need to be going to bed since I’ll be waking up BEFORE the crack of ass (dawn) for job #2, but I also remembered I have to write here. It’s the last day of Blogtober! Happy Halloween, hope you all had and/or are having more fun than I did.

I went to Nordstrom Rack today to find a dress for Amanda’s engagement party. I found one, and 2 others. Spent over $100, applied for their debit card and will be getting back $20 to spend again. I found 3 dresses and the one I want to wear to the engagement party is actually one size too small. So after purchasing it, I decided to hit up Meijer to restock my fridge with healthy foods (veggies) and then I did Jillian Michaels yoga. I am determined to fit into this dress. Even if I have to wear shapewear to make it zip after losing weight. It’s such a gorgeous dress though. It’s baby blue and white white brocade, box pleated skirt, 50s drop shoulder top. It’s by Topshop. It’s very high quality and it was only $54.97. Yet trust me, i still feel guilty spending the money when I should be saving for loan payments (which feel like literally taking my money by the handful and flushing it down the toilet willingly) and hopefully a new car.

I need a new job.

A high paying new job.

Oh, and Amanda asked my brother to stand up in the wedding so we’ll both be in the wedding party now. 11 bridesmaids, 11 groomsmen. It’s gonna be a massive wedding.

New Adventures

I know I’ve talked about it a few times already, but I think I really need to get a third job and quit my main one because I’m getting real sick and tired of being in that building, dealing with that customer base, and handling biohazardous nasty jewelry.

It’s just time to move on. I’m debating whether I’ll stick through the holiday season or not. I might. It means more money. But I really don’t want to be working there anymore. I’ve reached my potential and highest level of learning at that place. It’s time for new adventures.

Today Harbors Good News

Today was a much better day in comparison to yesterday’s traumatic turn of events. I successfully landed a job as a visual merchandiser to an upscale store near me and I am super excited to begin working there. Although my first shift goes until 1 AM, as most of them will. Not exactly looking forward to a 12-14 hour day, but I gotta slum it out for now. Again, I’m amazed and grateful that I was able to come in for that interview, fully functional and walking on my own two feet. God freaking bless.

Speaking of which, on my way home I took the freeway again and I saw the skid marks from my car and the debris left over. I didn’t see any tires though, but I also didn’t look that intently. I started tearing up. And sweating. I’ll never be able to drive that stretch of freeway again without thinking about what happened. I don’t care how many times I say it, I cannot believe I am alive right now. The bruises are beginning to show and the aches are beginning to surface in places I didn’t even know were traumatized. But I’ll take this momentary pain in place of worse injuries or death.