On Weight Gain and Mental Beatups

It seems that every time I make a post here I’m complaining about something.

Today it’s my weight.

In the past year, I’ve really let myself down and gained back 10 lbs that I worked very hard to lose in the year prior. I cannot even begin to describe how absolutely awful I feel about it and how much I beat myself up over it mentally. It’s actually pretty toxic and I know that every time I think negative thoughts like that, when I look in the mirror, I see myself as ugly and fat and etc etc.

I know that when I think positive thoughts that I see myself as beautiful and not so fat, etc. It’s amazing what the mind can do.

It’s also amazing how easy it is to let yourself lose control. And the worst part is that there is no one to blame but yourself. This is a really tough journey and the only person you can hold accountable for failures and successes is you.

I think maybe even harder than all of that is learning to embrace the journey as a whole, regardless of whether you have failures or successes, and keep in mind that it is an ongoing, life-long JOURNEY that requires positive mental interactions with oneself, positive affirmations, and trust and belief in yourself that you can and you will do what you say you will.

The reason I quit Weight Watchers was because I was cheating myself on the program. I wasn’t tracking anymore (physically, anyway, I’d do it mentally) and I didn’t care whether I went over my points for the day. I wasn’t really lying to myself so much as trying to justify “oh, an extra point here and there won’t hurt”. But it did hurt.

I’m trying to make better dietary decisions again. I already eat well by most standards – heavily vegetarian/vegan with poultry and seafood. However, the pasta and dairy families continue to be my by biggest downfalls. I overindulge in both of these and I know that I need to stop or lessen my intake. “It’s so hard” is not a good enough excuse and I know it.

I’m also TRYING to go to the gym more often again as well, however, work and the weather have both been getting in my way, resulting in lazy days. I did just finish a 30 day yoga challenge, which really helped me get more flexible, but I haven’t been inclined to do HIIT at home in a while and that’s hurting me as well.

I just need to get back on track overall and I need to do it NOW because I’m sick of beating myself up mentally and going into minor depressions about it. I worked so hard to get to where I am, I am NOT allowed to sabotage all that hard work. I will NOT go back to wearing my old wardrobe, I absolutely refuse.

Smoooooke On the Water

The worst part about procrastinating and/or generally writing these posts minutes before it turns midnight is that I often find myself at a loss as to what exactly I want to talk about. I know I had some good ideas earlier today while I was at work and sitting there doing nothing. Unfortunately, they’re not finding their way to the foreground of my mind.

Anyway, tomorrow I need to hit the gym. Or exercise or something. I haven’t been to the gym in about 2-3 weeks and it’s really annoying me. My whole slumpy routine is annoying me right now. I need to get back into working out every day again. Especially because of the holiday season coming up – I don’t want to pack on unnecessary extra pounds because I’m eating holiday food and working my ass off in retail with no time to do anything exercise-wise. This is extra important. Also, I don’t feel like I earned any of the showers I’ve taken in the past 2-3 weeks because I wasn’t sweaty. I always feel like this when I shower without having worked out prior.

ALSO, I’ve been thinking of using Breaking Bad on Netflix as a reward system for weight loss. Example, say for every 2 pounds lost, I get to watch 1 episode. I think this could be really good.

I also need to make a concise list of shit I need to buy soon, and categorize everything by how needed they are. I honestly do need like 2 more black tank tops from Target though. I’ve been wearing this one black one just about every other day because it works so well with so many outfits.

Sigh.

So, Sunday’s are my weigh ins for Weight Watchers and I forgot to do it this morning. Smart ass me also forgot to do it right after I got home from the gym, but remembered right before I got in the shower, post eating.

The scale told me a horrifying number and it’s been nagging me for the past 8 hours. I can’t figure out if the weight I’ve gained is muscle or fat.

On the one hand, I’ve been indulging in foods I shouldn’t, and I haven’t been utilitizing the Weight Watchers trackers like I should be. Which only makes me mentally slap myself and ask THEN WHY AM I PAYING FOR IT!?

On the other hand, I can lift heavier and resist more weight. I also tried on the dress I wore on St. Patrick’s day after freaking out about the weight gain and it seems to fit a tad better than it did a month ago. My American Eagle jeans also fit fine. And my friend who hadn’t seen me since Christmas was literally taken aback when he saw me last week.

MY MOTHER, on the other hand, who is never any help when I ask her anything to do with fitness/health, told me she thinks my stomach area looks bigger. I don’t even know why I ask her anything when it comes to this stuff. She always comes off sounding like a bitch and never helps my self esteem. Not that I expect her to coddle me.

Anyway, I think it’s time to stop fucking around and really retrain myself – not only physically, but psychologically.

I know muscle weighs more than fat. But it is extremely disheartening stepping on the scale and seeing a plateau or WEIGHT GAIN. Ugh.

I Give Narcissism a Whole New Level of Definition

What I did today instead of working on my business plan:

1. Put up this before and current picture in celebration of today being the 1 year anniversary since I joined WeightWatchers and took in all the positive feedback I got from my friends and family.

2. Got my hair colored and cut ~ 4 hours.

3. Went to Target.

4. Spent like an hour after checkout talking with my friend Joe.

5. Took 5 million narcissistic pictures of myself because I can’t let a good hair day go to waste.

6. Edited one of those pictures to join my elite army of profile pictures. Don’t judge me.