On Weight Gain and Mental Beatups

It seems that every time I make a post here I’m complaining about something.

Today it’s my weight.

In the past year, I’ve really let myself down and gained back 10 lbs that I worked very hard to lose in the year prior. I cannot even begin to describe how absolutely awful I feel about it and how much I beat myself up over it mentally. It’s actually pretty toxic and I know that every time I think negative thoughts like that, when I look in the mirror, I see myself as ugly and fat and etc etc.

I know that when I think positive thoughts that I see myself as beautiful and not so fat, etc. It’s amazing what the mind can do.

It’s also amazing how easy it is to let yourself lose control. And the worst part is that there is no one to blame but yourself. This is a really tough journey and the only person you can hold accountable for failures and successes is you.

I think maybe even harder than all of that is learning to embrace the journey as a whole, regardless of whether you have failures or successes, and keep in mind that it is an ongoing, life-long JOURNEY that requires positive mental interactions with oneself, positive affirmations, and trust and belief in yourself that you can and you will do what you say you will.

The reason I quit Weight Watchers was because I was cheating myself on the program. I wasn’t tracking anymore (physically, anyway, I’d do it mentally) and I didn’t care whether I went over my points for the day. I wasn’t really lying to myself so much as trying to justify “oh, an extra point here and there won’t hurt”. But it did hurt.

I’m trying to make better dietary decisions again. I already eat well by most standards – heavily vegetarian/vegan with poultry and seafood. However, the pasta and dairy families continue to be my by biggest downfalls. I overindulge in both of these and I know that I need to stop or lessen my intake. “It’s so hard” is not a good enough excuse and I know it.

I’m also TRYING to go to the gym more often again as well, however, work and the weather have both been getting in my way, resulting in lazy days. I did just finish a 30 day yoga challenge, which really helped me get more flexible, but I haven’t been inclined to do HIIT at home in a while and that’s hurting me as well.

I just need to get back on track overall and I need to do it NOW because I’m sick of beating myself up mentally and going into minor depressions about it. I worked so hard to get to where I am, I am NOT allowed to sabotage all that hard work. I will NOT go back to wearing my old wardrobe, I absolutely refuse.

Happy Halloween 2013!

I should’ve turned off my computer half an hour ago, but I got distracted. I really need to be going to bed since I’ll be waking up BEFORE the crack of ass (dawn) for job #2, but I also remembered I have to write here. It’s the last day of Blogtober! Happy Halloween, hope you all had and/or are having more fun than I did.

I went to Nordstrom Rack today to find a dress for Amanda’s engagement party. I found one, and 2 others. Spent over $100, applied for their debit card and will be getting back $20 to spend again. I found 3 dresses and the one I want to wear to the engagement party is actually one size too small. So after purchasing it, I decided to hit up Meijer to restock my fridge with healthy foods (veggies) and then I did Jillian Michaels yoga. I am determined to fit into this dress. Even if I have to wear shapewear to make it zip after losing weight. It’s such a gorgeous dress though. It’s baby blue and white white brocade, box pleated skirt, 50s drop shoulder top. It’s by Topshop. It’s very high quality and it was only $54.97. Yet trust me, i still feel guilty spending the money when I should be saving for loan payments (which feel like literally taking my money by the handful and flushing it down the toilet willingly) and hopefully a new car.

I need a new job.

A high paying new job.

Oh, and Amanda asked my brother to stand up in the wedding so we’ll both be in the wedding party now. 11 bridesmaids, 11 groomsmen. It’s gonna be a massive wedding.

Smoooooke On the Water

The worst part about procrastinating and/or generally writing these posts minutes before it turns midnight is that I often find myself at a loss as to what exactly I want to talk about. I know I had some good ideas earlier today while I was at work and sitting there doing nothing. Unfortunately, they’re not finding their way to the foreground of my mind.

Anyway, tomorrow I need to hit the gym. Or exercise or something. I haven’t been to the gym in about 2-3 weeks and it’s really annoying me. My whole slumpy routine is annoying me right now. I need to get back into working out every day again. Especially because of the holiday season coming up – I don’t want to pack on unnecessary extra pounds because I’m eating holiday food and working my ass off in retail with no time to do anything exercise-wise. This is extra important. Also, I don’t feel like I earned any of the showers I’ve taken in the past 2-3 weeks because I wasn’t sweaty. I always feel like this when I shower without having worked out prior.

ALSO, I’ve been thinking of using Breaking Bad on Netflix as a reward system for weight loss. Example, say for every 2 pounds lost, I get to watch 1 episode. I think this could be really good.

I also need to make a concise list of shit I need to buy soon, and categorize everything by how needed they are. I honestly do need like 2 more black tank tops from Target though. I’ve been wearing this one black one just about every other day because it works so well with so many outfits.

From Ugly to Hot

I read an “article” today on Thought Catalog that was a compilation of people telling their stories of going from “ugly to hot” which really meant losing weight and how society treated them differently based on their weight loss.

The fourth story down made me cry.

I have experienced these exact situations and I totally understand where these people are coming from. It’s disheartening in a way, to see how shallow people really are. But it’s real and it happens and we have to deal with it. People are more willing to want to get to know someone if they are “aesthetically pleasing” in accordance to the current societal views of what aesthetically pleasing is.

I’ve gone through the phase of saying “if you didn’t give me the time of day when I was fatter, why should I give YOU the time of day now that you think I’m worth yours?” But the truth is that, again, people are shallow. I am in fact a shallow person myself, I’ll admit it. It’s just something we have to learn to live with, I guess, and work on recognizing it and improving our attitudes.

Skinny Bitch & Veganism

I recently finished a book entitled Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. It’s about how to become a “skinny bitch” and centers around the organic, vegan lifestyle. I’d heard of this book a while back, but for some reason didn’t decide to buy it until a few weeks ago when it popped up on my Tumblr dashboard.

It is basically among the best $5 I’ve ever spent on anything. Ever. Let me preface this by saying that I am, or perhaps, I was up until about a week ago – a “poultra-pescatarian”. That’s a term I made up (though pescatarianism is a real thing and a real word) that described my diet. In my household, we do not eat anything heavier than poultry or seafood. Very rarely, we have pork. Personally, I stopped eating “heavy” meats about 10 years ago because my body couldn’t digest them anymore. And also because I never liked beef or steak or any of that shit. It’s fucking disgusting.

This book reminded me, rather than opened my eyes for the first time, about the horrors that go into mass meat production. I wish I could talk about Skinny Bitch and veganism without talking about mass meat production, but they are unfortunately tied together.

To write about all the details talked about in this book would make this post a book in itself, so I will say this: One of the most poignant things in that book was the portion when they were talking about the production of meat for the masses and the disgusting, inhumane, unsanitary conditions that the animals have to suffer their miserable lives through. In particular, I remember a quote from a pork slaughterhouse employee who said that he had cut off the snout of a pig who was squealing, and it squealed louder and more horribly. So he ground a handful of salt on the open wound, and the pig was in such shock that it didn’t know what to do. And then, because he still had salt in his hand, he stuck it up the pig’s butt until it was squealing it’s head off from shock. Can you imagine?

Furthermore, another point that greatly stood out to me, and I literally cannot stop thinking about every single time I see a piece of meat, is this: when you are eating meat, you are literally eating a putrefying, rotting corpse. The moment an animal is dead, it starts decomposing. That’s what you’re putting in your body. Cooked or not. It is a rotting corpse. And you are putting that in your body.

In the past week, I have become even more conscious of what I eat, and have tried to buy mostly organic produce. I’ve also been reading food labels more intently and making sure I don’t buy foods with artificial ingredients, animal byproducts (something I already did, but less consciously) or preservatives.

I’m not going to say I’m a full vegan yet, because I’m not. (Probably not giving up leather, like, ever.) The hardest thing for me to give up is dairy products. I love cheese like you wouldn’t believe. I know it’s bad for me, I do. But I just bought some goat cheese and bleu cheese and fancy fig and honey cheese last week and I feel kinda bad not eating it, but at the same time, I know not eating it will only put me on the path to goodness. I will admit I had bleu cheese in my salad the other night. I felt sinful, but happy. Guilty happy.

I also watched Vegucated on Netflix tonight. It didn’t present any knowledge I didn’t already possess about veganism, but it definitely reassured me that eating meat is eating rotting corpses and the cruelty endured by animals in slaughterhouses is downright revolting. It also made me physically sick, and I’ve been trying to not vomit for the past hour or so.

Like “eating healthy” to lose weight is not a diet, but a lifestyle change, so is this. I fully believe this is another step toward furthering myself in my weight loss and healthy living goals. I am not a “meatatarian” and I never have been, so this is relatively easy for me to embrace. It would be easier, however, if my entire household was on the same page as me. My dad is a total meatatarian and complained two weeks ago when I made a DELICIOUS vegetarian dinner for the family. I think he has a tendency to forget how good a vegetarian diet is for him because he misses eating heavy meats all the time. But you don’t pass out and then get blood-work back telling you your triglycerides are so high, they can’t be measured, from eating vegetables.

I Fall Asleep Writing Poems at 10:38 PM

Has anyone else been doing National Poetry Month this year? I keep skipping days and then falling asleep trying to come up with lines to rhyme lmao. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at like 10:38 last night. I still need to fill in AT LEAST 5 days of poems. Sigh. Duties.

I’m debating what to do with my day off tomorrow. I kind of just want to be a couch potato and stay at home, not really do much. I should probably hit up the gym though. I went today and it was a good decision. Although this one really beefy guy who I’ve seen before and always stares at me intensely was lifting next to me and it was kind of hilariously awkward because I felt like he was showing off.

But I’m not sure if he was showing off in like HEY BABAY way or a LOOK AT MY FUCKING GUNS BITCH YEAH I KNOW I DON’T NEED TO LIFT ANYMORE BUT LOOK AT MY BICEPS, THEY’RE THE SIZE OF YOUR THIGHS way. He kept making eye contact with me and then lifting 100s. I was like….okay…I’m just gonna continue tricep dipping here…

The best part was when he flexed his biceps in the mirror and I really had to restrain myself from laughing out loud. Seriously, sometimes people do shit that makes me have to bite my tongue and I look insane smiling in the mirror.