What I’ve Learned from Using Tinder for the Past 24 Hours

I’ve been toying around with signing up for a dating website for the past year or so. Monday night, I was inspired to browse the Google Play options for dating apps, and ended up downloading Tinder, just for funsies. I even got Betsy to join with me. We’ve both been playing around with it for the past 24 hours, and it has dominated our ongoing conversation – from telling each other weird names we come across, to admitting how awkward it is when you actually match with someone and messages are exchanged.

The way Tinder works is kinda neat. It gives you tiles of people one at a time, and you can swipe left for no and swipe right for yes. Each person also has a profile, and you can hit the info button to find out more about them, see more pictures, see if you have any Facebook friends in common and what interests you have in common. And thank god for that info button, but it has definitely helped in making affirmative decisions.

I think I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I find attractive in the past 24 hours. This is definitely a vain way of meeting people, but you’re lying if you say you don’t judge people by their appearance first. That said, here’s a list of things I find amusing/big turn offs/wtf are you doing with your life/why would you put that out there?

– If you have “gym enthusiast” or anything related to that in your profile, I probably think you’re a douchebag who’s full of himself and how he looks and will left swipe you.
– Multiple pictures of yourself at the gym/flexing/half naked/doing some kind of sport? Probably think you’re a sporty douchebag and will left swipe you.
– Guys who have multiple pictures with multiple people and you can’t tell which one is supposed to be them.
– Guys who have pictures of any number of girls beside them. ????????
– Guys who have pictures of themselves with kids. And then specify in their profiles that it’s their nephew/niece.
– Guys who give off a general douche vibe.
– Guys who look like they would be total assholes to me/generally make me feel uncomfortable about myself.
– Guys with multiple pictures of themselves with their bros, especially at frat parties/gym sessions. Take your beer and get out of here.
– Guys who have things like “Getting swol at the gym” and other such ridiculous shit in their profiles.
– Anything along the lines of “I’m a practicing Catholic” or other bible humping stuff in the profile.
– Pictures from multiple stages of your life where you look totally different. ?????????????????????
– Car selfies.
– Sunglasses. Especially in multiple pictures.
– Multiple pictures of far away shots in scenic landscapes doing stuff like skiing, surfing, marathoning, etc. Are you trying to showcase yourself or the land?
– Name dropping your frat in your profile. #reallydontgiveafuck
– Having any real life friends in common, especially those who I don’t really talk to/associate with, but I’m FB friends with them just because.
– Being contradictory in messages to what you say you’re looking for in your profile. #don’ttrustahoe
– Insufficient amount of pictures.
– Insufficient or no profile info.
– Bad grammar. (One guy had “manors” instead of “manners”)
– Advertisement of your Instragram/Snapchat/Kik info.
– Saying you’re a “country boy” in your profile. #whatthefuckdoesthatevenmean #thisismichiganforgodssake
– Guys who look like they would make for awkward/uncomfortable sexual partners.
– Smokers
– Multiple pictures holding drinks/beers + talking about your love of drinking/partying/clubbing. #douchebagalert
– Good looking to the point of looking intimidatingly good looking.
– Having 0 interests in common. I like over 2000 things on Facebook, how do you not like any of those things on Facebook as well?
– All the tall guys (6 ft and up) state their height and I think it’s because they know women wanna climb them like a tree.
– Pets in your pics = you’re clearly trying to score brownie points.
– “Not looking for a quick hookup, but it may interest you to know I’m incredibly hung.” WOOOOOW.
– “Looking for a cuddle buddy.” No, you’re looking for sex.
– If I know you in real life, I’m probably swiping left.
– Model-like pictures/bad quality pictures.
– Unkempt/out of control/sad beards.
– Bad conversationalist.

I’m pretty sure I could add so many more things, but I’m going to stop there for now. I should mention that despite all of those stipulations that make me swipe left, I’ve matched with quite a nice handful of guys and even talked to a few of them. There is hope. I added girls to the mix too just to see what pops up. Only 2 have popped up in the tiles so far.

If you’ve got Tinder stories, hit up my comments section, I wanna hear them.

I Fall Asleep Writing Poems at 10:38 PM

Has anyone else been doing National Poetry Month this year? I keep skipping days and then falling asleep trying to come up with lines to rhyme lmao. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at like 10:38 last night. I still need to fill in AT LEAST 5 days of poems. Sigh. Duties.

I’m debating what to do with my day off tomorrow. I kind of just want to be a couch potato and stay at home, not really do much. I should probably hit up the gym though. I went today and it was a good decision. Although this one really beefy guy who I’ve seen before and always stares at me intensely was lifting next to me and it was kind of hilariously awkward because I felt like he was showing off.

But I’m not sure if he was showing off in like HEY BABAY way or a LOOK AT MY FUCKING GUNS BITCH YEAH I KNOW I DON’T NEED TO LIFT ANYMORE BUT LOOK AT MY BICEPS, THEY’RE THE SIZE OF YOUR THIGHS way. He kept making eye contact with me and then lifting 100s. I was like….okay…I’m just gonna continue tricep dipping here…

The best part was when he flexed his biceps in the mirror and I really had to restrain myself from laughing out loud. Seriously, sometimes people do shit that makes me have to bite my tongue and I look insane smiling in the mirror.

Sigh.

So, Sunday’s are my weigh ins for Weight Watchers and I forgot to do it this morning. Smart ass me also forgot to do it right after I got home from the gym, but remembered right before I got in the shower, post eating.

The scale told me a horrifying number and it’s been nagging me for the past 8 hours. I can’t figure out if the weight I’ve gained is muscle or fat.

On the one hand, I’ve been indulging in foods I shouldn’t, and I haven’t been utilitizing the Weight Watchers trackers like I should be. Which only makes me mentally slap myself and ask THEN WHY AM I PAYING FOR IT!?

On the other hand, I can lift heavier and resist more weight. I also tried on the dress I wore on St. Patrick’s day after freaking out about the weight gain and it seems to fit a tad better than it did a month ago. My American Eagle jeans also fit fine. And my friend who hadn’t seen me since Christmas was literally taken aback when he saw me last week.

MY MOTHER, on the other hand, who is never any help when I ask her anything to do with fitness/health, told me she thinks my stomach area looks bigger. I don’t even know why I ask her anything when it comes to this stuff. She always comes off sounding like a bitch and never helps my self esteem. Not that I expect her to coddle me.

Anyway, I think it’s time to stop fucking around and really retrain myself – not only physically, but psychologically.

I know muscle weighs more than fat. But it is extremely disheartening stepping on the scale and seeing a plateau or WEIGHT GAIN. Ugh.

Growing Biceps Like a Petri Dish

This gif just made my night:

this is where i’d keep my scratching post…IF I HAD ONE

Also, tonight I decided to go to the gym after school/work and it was a great choice. I feel fantastic, though a little guilty about eating 3 pieces of cranberry tort when I got home. But I think I stayed within my points.

I decided to try out the resistance training apparatus tonight. The second guy that was on the neighboring one was very friendly and kind enough to lower my bar for me when I couldn’t figure out how. I think he said stuff after too, but I don’t remember what, as I was too distracted by his good looks and the weird way he was using his pulley.

I think I’m going to be properly sore tomorrow. I very much look forward to those pains. I love muscle fever.