I have always wanted to make a sort of “official” Things You Do That Make You A Douchebag While Driving list. Today will probably not be the day that that happens, however, I would like to complain about a few certain key points.
- Tailgating. I am more than positive that I’m not the only person that hates this. I cannot stand when people ride your ass, especially when you’re already driving above the speed limit. Like really Speedy Gonzalez, you’re gonna do that right now? Unless you’re birthing a baby out your vagina or you’re driving someone who is, you need to not be that douchebag.
- Lane-Hoppers. I hate you. You need to not swerve your ass in front of my car at high speeds and cut me off when there’s like the tiniest of spaces available. Like I’m pretty sure the only way you got into that space is because I had to brake to let your arrogant ass in.
- Slow Drivers. Listen, I know you’re technically allowed to drive under the speed limit by like 5 miles, [because you can totally get a ticket for driving too slow, I know people that have had that happen!] but I really don’t want to be driving at 40 mph when the posted speed limit gives me the capacity to accelerate to 45. Pay attention to signs damnit!
- Double left-turn lane assholes. Nearly every day, I take a particular road that requires I make a left turn lane at the end of it. This is no ordinary left turn lane though – oh no. It is a
magicaldouble left turn lane which means there’s two whole lanes turning at the same time. Now, this concept is fantastic because it allows people who need to merge onto I-75 to sit in the outer left turn lane, and people who plan on driving straight, to the inner lane. However, there are some haughty assholes out there who think that they’re smart. They like to sit in the inner lane because it generally has less cars, and then when they’re turning, decide to cut across 3 lanes of traffic so they can merge onto I-75 South when they should have been chillin’ in the outer lane. Listen here motherfuckers: you could fucking kill people like that. Stop doing it.
- U-Turn turds. I believe this is mainly a Michigan problem, since I’m told that we’re the only state that has legal U-turns. Like there’s a nice grassy median between opposing lanes and then you do this thing where you merge into this lane and then you swivel your car and you wait. Now, again, this is a fantastic idea – except when you’re again in the inner lane, and the asshole next to you in the outer lane has pulled their car up so far that you can’t see anything of oncoming traffic, which means that you have no idea whether you can go or not on a red light [or a non-light]. Fuck all ya’ll too. This one can in fact even be applied to just regular sitting and waiting for turns. There’s always that one asshole that blocks the view with their massive gas guzzling GMC truck.
And there’s a lot more where that came from.