Bum Knees and Barbie Dolls

Hi.

It’s been a really long time.

There have been quite a few instances where I’ve thought about posting here, but somehow I always ended up doing something else, forgetting to, neglecting to, so on and so forth. And it’s really a bit of a shame, because this blog is a form of therapy.

And I need that right now. Which is why I’ve decided to update it again.

First thing’s first: I hyperextended my left knee on Wednesday evening at my new job, while I was squatting in some new linen pants I’d bought the previous day that have absolutely no give and get crazy tight when I bend my legs. I heard two very loud consecutive pops and it felt like my knee popped out and back in again, and I lost my balance. I felt immediate pain, but it wasn’t really excruciating, just extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t immediately ice it. In fact, I still had an hour and a half left of work before going home, and when I went home, I didn’t take care of the injury, but rather walked normally out and about for 3 hours with my mom with very minor, almost unnoticeable pain in my knee.

I went to work the following day, and progressively felt my knee feel stiffer. I mostly limped around all night. The following day (yesterday) I went to the doctor because as with nearly every time I’m injured or sick, my brain goes into hypochondria mode and I jump to the absolutely worst possible conclusions, this time being “WHAT IF I NEED SURGERY AND I NEVER WALK AGAIN” or “WHAT IF I NEED SURGERY AND THEY GIVE ME ANTIBIOTICS THAT I COULD BE ALLERGIC TO AND I DIE?” because that’s literally how my mind works. Anyway, doctor told me to basically relax, monitor the leg, and go to the ER/hospital if it gets worse. I also went in to get an X-Ray, which came out normal, thankfully.

In the past 36 hours, my knee itself has been relatively alright, but my calf (possibly Achilles tendon?) feels sore when I walk and stretch it or when I’m sitting and I push onto the balls of my feet. I believe this pain has gotten a little bit better in the last 6 hours or so. I called the clinic a couple hours after I woke up and told them my fears about my calf/Achilles and they just told me the same thing – to keep monitoring it, relax, ice it.

While I was waiting to be signed in for my X-Ray yesterday, I noticed two pennies on the ground, and as I was picking up the second, I noticed a third as well. I picked up a penny at work the other day as well, when I was limping around. I often find that when I’m in times of need or feeling hopeless or having ongoing anxiety attacks, I find coins everywhere. And I find it really comforting. I recall Sylvia Browne saying that your loved ones on the other side will drop coins around you to let you know they’re there for you. I think my loved ones drop them around me to let me know everything will be okay. And I am eternally grateful, because I often make a mountain out of a mole hill when it comes to medical problems. I need to see a therapist about it, I know.

961440_10155388603335322_86264162_nOn a somewhat related note, the night that I hyperextended my knee and went shopping with my mom, I bought two Barbies. Before you judge me, I ask that you don’t. I’m already judging myself. But I’ve wanted to customize and photograph and design clothes for them for nearly two years now, and I deeply regret donating the two I had for over a decade. They were much better quality, I could bend their limbs, their hair was nicer, and most of all, I didn’t pay for them. Plus, I had a box full of clothes for them. I donated that as well. I think. I may have thrown it away now that I think about it.

I started customizing them the night that I brought them home. I painted freckles on their faces. I painted the blonde’s eyes green and her lips red, and I plan on coloring her hair so she’ll be a ginger. I can’t do much with the other one’s hair – it’s a medium brown. I could dip dye it in something vibrant, perhaps. The blonde one came with a ton of shoes, half of which I spray painted black earlier today and are currently drying in my garage. I haven’t started making any clothes for them yet, but I want to recreate the carnation dress that won me that fashion show. Maybe Mattel will see my extraordinary creations and hire me to develop tres chic couture for Barbies to revamp their popularity with the youths of today.

And then, after all that labor, I plan on photographing them. One of my friends asked me if I’d made a light box yet, after I told him about this idea, and I said no, but that would be an awesome thing for this little plan, and he said that’s why he brought it up. So there’s that as well. That bit should be relatively easy actually.

So those are my most recent developments. The jewelry store closed down so I’m at a new retail place. And I teach painting, which I was supposed to do tonight, but ended up cancelling because I really didn’t feel up for it with this leg. Plus, I binge watched the entire first season of American Horror Story yesterday and today, and you know what, I don’t feel too guilty about it. I liked Evan Peters before, but now I like him even more. Like this show has reminded me how attractive I find him. I didn’t start the second season tonight because I don’t really like watching horror at night, so I’ll probably watch some tomorrow.

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More Hoodies Orrrrr???

Christmas and New Year’s has gone and past and we’re already going into the third day of the year. What the actual fuck? Time is flying and I can’t grasp it any longer.

The year may have just started out, but I’m already fully engrossed in it and the winding road it appears to have started taking.

I finished off my root canal procedure today so I’m hyped up on painkillers and penicillin. I showered and decided to not style my hair and just let it be curly, so it’s absolutely fucking insane poofy. Like, hello 1986, come and get your crazy hair back, thanks.

I’m whirlwinding down a “lovelife” road that I’m not sure about. I don’t know if I want to go down this road or not and I feel like I’m standing at a fork and I’m not sure which road I’ll regret not taking more. It’s a hard decision and I’m trying to make it as best as I can. But I also realize that it’s okay to make mistake and it’s okay to say no whenever I want to. Idk. Life is hard. It shouldn’t be this complicated, but it is. Because we make it this complicated.

Also, I’ve had the same American Eagle webpage open for like 36 hours trying to decide whether I want to purchase these hoodies or not. THE STRUGGLE IS SO REAL RIGHT NOW. Like do I really need more hoodies or am I just being greedy? Uuuuuughhhh.

I’m Okay, I Am.

I feel like I’ve definitely been neglecting this blog and I’m not exactly okay with that.

I’ve been super busy with work for the past 2 weeks though, since it’s the holiday season and retail be crazy as fuck. I’ve made a plethora of sales though, and a few of them have been on the higher end, so that makes me happy. I’ve always got a great pile of gifts under my tree for my family, which for whatever reason also fills me with happiness.

My mom is still driving my absolutely crazy. She has these moments when it’s like she transforms into this ultra dragon-lady cunt and I’m like what the actual fuck is wrong with you and why the fuck are you yelling me? It’s so aggravating. I need to the get fuck out of this goddamn house before she gets worse because I cannot handle these bipolar attitude swings. Last night she called me to ask where she should park her car and I said to park it wherever the heck she wants. Next thing I know she’s yelling at me for having an attitude and I’m like – what? I did not have an attitude but I WILL have an attitude if you tell me I have one when I don’t. That shit really pisses me off.

Earlier she was doing something in my kitchen and started harping about how the drying dish sink is disorganized and you can’t place things in it correctly. I just wanted to smack her and tell her to go the fuck to bed already. I used to look forward to days when she was off from work, but now I find myself wishing she would work even more because she just pisses me off.

I’m at a weird point in my life right now. I can feel it’s like some kind of crossroad. I know I’m nearing a time when I need to start establishing my own roots (and moving the fuck out of this goddamn house) and sever the coddling umbilical cord between myself and my parental household. But I don’t have the funds (yet) to do so and do so in a “safe” way. And by safe, I mean in a way that will allow me to not come back because I can’t support myself.

It’s really distressing and I’m trying my very best to keep a positive attitude and mindset about everything. I’ve felt attacked by negative thoughts and attitudes and people lately and it feels like poison coursing through my veins and I absolutely fucking hate every minute of it.

*breathes in*

Happy holidays!

Life Sucks and I Don’t Get Paid Enough

Last week, I did some calculations about the amount of money I earn and how it gets used yearly to see what I have left over to use toward new car payments.

Surprise surprise, there are no new cars (aside from the Chevy Spark, really) that I could get with my measly income. Even then, I would still be on such a tight budget, that I wouldn’t be able to buy anything except the absolute bare necessities. That would mean no going out to eat – EVER. No buying new clothes that I might need. Nothing. Zero. Not one penny would be able to be sacrificed for anything. I would be working strictly to pay student loans and car payments.

Not only is this prospect extremely depressing for me, but when I look at it more broadly, I have to stop and wonder how other people manage to put food on their tables making less money than I do. I should however mention that I would make double the amount I do now if I were full time – I am only part time, which is part of why I earn under $10,000. INCLUDING COMMISSION AND MY SECOND JOB!

I’m increasingly becoming more and more disgruntled with the state of the job market, the level with which we cling to money as a means of evaluating a persons worth. As The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony goes:

Trying to make ends meet
You’re a slave to money
And then you die

It’s fucking disgusting, actually. It’s fucking disgusting that the richest 1% of Americans own 40% of this country’s wealth. It’s fucking disgusting that I can’t get a decent job with a piece of paper that put me over $60,000 in debt. It’s fucking disgusting that the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer. Where is the middle class?

I’ll tell you what they did when they consolidated the American car companies a few years ago and terminated several brands: they cut out the “cheap” affordable brands. They said FUCK YOU! If you don’t have enough money to buy a Buick, too fucking bad.

However, I came across this article that I think it’s a good reminder to remain positive in the face of trying times. It’s called The 14 Habits of Highly Miserable People and it definitely sheds light on the negative things we do to sabotage ourselves.

I’ve been desperately trying to keep a positive outlook on my life in all aspects, but I’ve been very annoyed, sad, angry, and overall negative lately and I REALLY DON’T LIKE IT. I don’t know what these emotions do to me or how they make me act toward other people and I feel like a horrible person. I feel like there’s poison running through my veins and I know that I’m not this kind of soul naturally. I do not enjoy experiencing seething feelings.

Furthermore, and only because my mom came in my room annoyed just now am I reminded of this, but my relationship with her lately has been very aggravating. Like rubbing two abrasive rocks together. She says and does shit that pisses me off and I’m just like oh my god, dear lord save me. Like it’s just another reason why I need a job that pays livable wages and allows me to MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I’m starting to go crazy. I’m starting to hermit myself my room or go out shopping just to be out of the house and away from her.

UGH!

Happy Halloween 2013!

I should’ve turned off my computer half an hour ago, but I got distracted. I really need to be going to bed since I’ll be waking up BEFORE the crack of ass (dawn) for job #2, but I also remembered I have to write here. It’s the last day of Blogtober! Happy Halloween, hope you all had and/or are having more fun than I did.

I went to Nordstrom Rack today to find a dress for Amanda’s engagement party. I found one, and 2 others. Spent over $100, applied for their debit card and will be getting back $20 to spend again. I found 3 dresses and the one I want to wear to the engagement party is actually one size too small. So after purchasing it, I decided to hit up Meijer to restock my fridge with healthy foods (veggies) and then I did Jillian Michaels yoga. I am determined to fit into this dress. Even if I have to wear shapewear to make it zip after losing weight. It’s such a gorgeous dress though. It’s baby blue and white white brocade, box pleated skirt, 50s drop shoulder top. It’s by Topshop. It’s very high quality and it was only $54.97. Yet trust me, i still feel guilty spending the money when I should be saving for loan payments (which feel like literally taking my money by the handful and flushing it down the toilet willingly) and hopefully a new car.

I need a new job.

A high paying new job.

Oh, and Amanda asked my brother to stand up in the wedding so we’ll both be in the wedding party now. 11 bridesmaids, 11 groomsmen. It’s gonna be a massive wedding.

Smoooooke On the Water

The worst part about procrastinating and/or generally writing these posts minutes before it turns midnight is that I often find myself at a loss as to what exactly I want to talk about. I know I had some good ideas earlier today while I was at work and sitting there doing nothing. Unfortunately, they’re not finding their way to the foreground of my mind.

Anyway, tomorrow I need to hit the gym. Or exercise or something. I haven’t been to the gym in about 2-3 weeks and it’s really annoying me. My whole slumpy routine is annoying me right now. I need to get back into working out every day again. Especially because of the holiday season coming up – I don’t want to pack on unnecessary extra pounds because I’m eating holiday food and working my ass off in retail with no time to do anything exercise-wise. This is extra important. Also, I don’t feel like I earned any of the showers I’ve taken in the past 2-3 weeks because I wasn’t sweaty. I always feel like this when I shower without having worked out prior.

ALSO, I’ve been thinking of using Breaking Bad on Netflix as a reward system for weight loss. Example, say for every 2 pounds lost, I get to watch 1 episode. I think this could be really good.

I also need to make a concise list of shit I need to buy soon, and categorize everything by how needed they are. I honestly do need like 2 more black tank tops from Target though. I’ve been wearing this one black one just about every other day because it works so well with so many outfits.

The Weather Disappoints Me

You know those songs that come on the radio or your shuffled playlist and you have to dance/sing/turn them up? The Real Slim Shady is one of those songs for me. Among many other Eminem songs. Also, this is the cutest Eminem gif ever:

It’s finally beginning to cool off here in Michigan. My mom and I went to the Renaissance Festival today and it was probably the coldest weather, at about 74 and blustery, we’ve experienced in all the years we’ve gone – although definitely not the shittiest, as we’ve gone during super gloomy and cloudy days.

This weather, however, has me simultaneously sad and excited for end of summer/fall season. Summer seems to have come and gone insanely quickly this year. We didn’t have any chart topping days that I can relish in reminiscing about. It was a pretty lame and rather under the radar kind of season. However, I did get a decent tan regardless of not having spent a massive amount of time outside. I’m actually kinda sad that I haven’t gone swimming since July. But I don’t think I can submerge my head beneath pool water while my nose is still healing.

Speaking of which, I bought a 14k gold hoop for my noise today at RenFest and I’m pretty excited to be able to wear it once I’m all healed up. I also bought these two gorgeous pendants – a sterling silver oyster with a black pearl in it and a sterling silver octopus with a white pearl for a head, both very large pearls – from this guy I got a sweet pirate ship pendant from last year. He gave me a discount as well because he remembered/liked me (and probably also because I was wearing my pirate ship). The only other things I bought were specialty honeys and fancy honey mustard that cleared out my sinuses.