“How Do You Make Love Someone Animal Style?”

I’m not entirely sure, but I think I may have caught a minor cold or something. I can’t remember how or why but it probably has to do with eating ice cream and leaving windows open on Sunday. Kind of annoying. So I brewed some Tulsi Jasmine tea. That shit is SO DAMN GOOD. The packet smells like my mom’s gingerbread cookies with extra cloves. I wish I could bottle the scent and spray it on myself as perfume. It’s that good.

So tomorrow is presentation day in textile design and fashion design 2. I’m pretty excited because it means after we present I’LL NEVER HAVE THOSE CLASSES AGAIN. HELL YES! I really hope HNI makes it to textile design to watch presentations and critique. I wouldn’t mind seeing some people in tears – but I really hope I won’t be one of those people haha.

Also, I caught Glee and New Girl tonight (YAY) and first of all, I just want to see Mercedes looked SMOKIN’ hot in this episode and every shot of Chord Overstreet was an orgasm for my eyes. I was like yess, Trouty Mouth, please move your luscious lips some more. He is so fucking hot.

OMG look at those sexy poppy-outy veins on her arms. I want to touch them with my face. All day.

Secondly, I got a little tipsy during New Girl (a big shot of Limoncello will do that to me…) and found it extra hilarious. INDIAN IN THE CUPBOARD. PLOW JOBS. POPOCORNO. WHAT IF I CAN’T GET TO 5TH CHAKRA? HOW DO YOU MAKE LOVE TO SOMEONE ANIMAL STYLE? WE MADE A CARAMEL MIRACLE. A RUSSIAN NESTING DOLL SITUATION. I mean seriously, the lines on this show make me cry because they’re so good. I want to make Schmidt pocket-size and stick him in my pocket and take him everywhere so he can say obscenely obnoxious things to me all day long. I would do the same to Sheldon Cooper and Chord Overstreet. Unf!

That said, Day 17: What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
Well, I personally believe I’m pretty great at everything I have an ACTUAL desire to be great at – in other words, artsy things. However, my math skills are eh on a scale of vanilla to orgasmically awesome. I like doing math when I understand it – like when we were doing all kinds of polynomial shit in College Algebra I was like HELLZ YEAH MOTHAFUCKAS I LEARNED DIS SHIT IN 10TH GRADE GET AT ME BRAH all over the damn place. I actually enjoyed it. On the other hand – ask me to do anything involving the quadratic equation and I will grow the urge to punch you in the sensitive area.

Ay, Boy! I Got A Damsel In Distress!

College chicks? They just want to hear their photography has potential.” And if you tell me that, I will sleep with you. JK, >_>
“If girl’s panties are snow, you’re March.”
“Does your brown skin retain heat?”
Among my favorite lines from tonight’s episode of New Girl. God I love that show. And god oh god do I love Schmidt. I wish I had my own personal Schmidt so he could just say obnoxious things to me all day long. I would be in laughing tears all the time. Not a day would go by that I would feel sad. <3 Schmidt.

Speaking of sexy men, did I ever mention I printed a picture of Sheldon Cooper and stuck him next to me at work? I get to stare at his gorgeously drunk and playing the piano face all day long. When HNI was up today, this girl pointed out Shelly and then said there’s someone who looks like him in our midst. I asked who even though I knew the answer. He said that’s why I like him so much to which I replied that he is my personal Sheldon. But that’s certainly not the only reason. And he came up twice today. Smileyface.

MARRY ME SHELDON.

And since we’re still talking about guys here, the very attractive tall gamer guy with the hair that always checked out headphones from me told me he’s gotta drop his classes for this term cause he has to work like a nutter to help pay bills and something about his uncle being in the hospital. I was pretty bummed out for him. As well as me cause I don’t get to stare at his sexy face twice a week for the rest of term, as shallow sounding as that may be. J1B said he seemed pretty into talking to me. Reminded me of that super hot graphic design teacher that hasn’t been up to the library in nearly a year. J1B and I went on a mission to find gamerboy on Facebook after he left. I searched far and wide and couldn’t find him, but then she searched and found him. I was like what is this!? So I requested book of face friendship and he accepted. And the internet stalking began. Hahaha. I’m not joking. I feel like such a creep, but whatever, at least I admit it. Everyone does it anyway! We’re all in this together!

Lastly, somewhat related to all of the above, I read the proverb “God laughs at those who make plans” somewhere not too long ago, and thought I’d share that I think that is very relevant for me. It was probably some sort of sign to smack me awake and help me remember that I should stop trying to plan my love life. Because yeah yeah, I know – it always comes when you least expect it. But I feel like I’m always least expecting it in a way…in a way…

Finally, I just want you all to know that this is one of my favorite things on the internet and one day I want to scream at a guy that my “damsel” is in “distress” and point at my crotch. Sober.

“What If I Had A Croissant Blog?”

What I have been calling “deathcough” for the past 11 months has recently decided to flare up again. It seems like I’m producing some kind of phlegm out of my lungs – maybe this is a good thing? I got infected pretty badly last end of Feb/March with the worst cold of my life. I’ve had a residual cough, that I guess is technically now a “chronic” cough, for nearly a year from it. I’m entirely convinced it’s antibiotic resistant.  I did a little crying today while looking up symptoms online. I’m really sick of this problem and all I want is to be healthy again. I want to be able to eat ice cream and drink things from the fridge like a normal person and not cough for a week afterwards. I need to change my doctor. 

Health concerns aside, I spent the majority of my day watching Felicity – which I’ll get to in a second. But first Glee and New Girl!? Ricky Martin is one of the hottest gay men on this planet, lemme tell you guys. I always watch stuff (minus the news) with captions on, so I don’t know if any of you caught it without the aid of CC, but there was a Gloria Estefan song during the show and I was like DANG, now that’s someone I haven’t thought or heard about in a long time. Also, I was really pissed at Mercedes for snubbing Trouty Mouth at the end. They were totally about to kiss and everything until her “boyfriend” popped up and she was like WELL LOL GUYS I GUESS I’M GONNA LEAVE WITH HIM NOW.

I also really liked this week’s New Girl. It wasn’t the funniest episode, but I definitely loled a handful of times. Like when Schmidt said “What if I had a croissant blog?” and that whole threesome situation. That part was just the definition of hilarious. And the Tokyo conference bit when Schmidt stripped down to his undies on the conference table because he thought his boss wanted to get freaky, but really she was telling him to actually dial her in to the call. Priceless.

Anyway, so I spent probably like 6 hours today – staggered! – watching Felicity. The whole her sleeping with the extremely sexy art student Eli (played by Simon Rex) and Noel almost sleeping with his ex Hanna, and then her and Noel breaking up took WAY TOO DAMN LONG. That alone was like at least 4 episodes of her apologizing and then Noel still being upset and I was like omggg let’s move on.

I'd tap that ass too, shoot.

My favorite episode was the very last one of season 1. In the second to last one, Felicity and Ben almost kissed (long story short: Meghan, her roommate was doing spells, and she did the love one wrong, she forgot cloves. Ben and Felicity were doing inventory at Dean & Deluca’s and she spilled a huge box of cloves) which is the point in time where they almost kissed. Anyway, the last episode started off with Ravel’s Bolero playing as she was telling Sally about her almost kiss. And the cute part of the episode was that whenever Ben was in it, Bolero would start playing.

But this episode was just really titillating. All of a sudden, Felicity remembered why she came to New York in the first place – Ben. And then she plays this internal tug of war game about whether to go back to Palo Alto with Ben or go to Berlin with Noel. We don’t know which she picked in the end when she was in the cab, but it looked like she mouthed airport, so I’m gonna say Noel – BUT I REALLY HOPE IT WAS BEN BECAUSE THIS EPISODE WAS SO GODDAMN CUTE. I WAS LIKE YES! YOU KISS BEN BACK! And then I was kinda saddened by the realization that I live a love life vicariously through a 1998 tv show.

Finals Make Me Cry-Laugh.

Okay, first of all, let me just give a gigantic WOW! to the amount of views my blog has received in the past 24 hours. I was confused when I looked at my stats earlier because today’s bar is like the size of the Empire State Building and everything else is like 3 stories high. Apparently when you search “Yes, I use sculpting chutney!” on Google, they send you here. Which is appreciated and pretty damn awesome. So hello New Girl fans! Maybe you’ll stick around?

On another note, I just drank some Neuro Sleep to knock me out faster tonight. I labored for the last 5 or 6 hours on my pattern techniques jacket trying to get this bitch finished. I still have the hem to do, but I’m saving it for in-class because I need to iron parts of my inner sleeves to make this shit presentable. Also, I’d like to mention that my dumb ass chopped off 1/2 inch of fabric from the shell that was vital to the hem. But then I figured out that if I chop off 1/2 inch from the lining it’ll remedy the problem. But I’m still a dumb ass for that.

The bright side of today was that HNI visited and it was adorable. He walked in rather purposefully with this huge smirky smile on his face and a look of determination and stopped in front of me with an outstretched hand and poked me whilst saying “poke“. And then I laughed, because I poked him last night on Facebook. NERDY IRL POKE APPRECIATED, SIR! It was quite nice seeing him since I haven’t had an opportunity to do so or even see a hello for about a week. (Not even gonna lie, total highlight of my day. Still smiling a bit.) Which is crazy since we’re both up there so often. But it is finals week, so it’s understandable.

I can’t wait until it’s Friday. I might cry and laugh hysterically at the same time. That was actually going to do down today a few times. Not even joking. It’s actually a really weird sensation because when it’s the kind of cry-laughing I’m describing here, you can’t control which to do. It’s like all of a sudden you’re crying but then you’re laughing too. It’s not like when you cry from laughing too hard – that’s a whole other, really fantastic feeling. One of my favorite in the world, to be exact. No, this is weird and uncontrollable cry-laughing.

Anyway, I should really get to bed so I can focus on hemming this jacket tomorrow morning and making it through the rest of the day. Cheers!

YES I USE SCULPTING CHUTNEY!

Ohhh my god, tonight’s episode of New Girl was HILARIOUS. I still can’t decide what was the best part: Schmidt saying “Yes, I use sculpting chutney!” Winston’s hell yeah mothafuckas dance, Schmidt’s naked scene, or the whole scene at the end with the damp towel (again) and Nick completely grossing everyone out by admitting to not only using and not washing Schmidt’s towel, but also wearing Schmidt’s and Winston’s underwear. I’m still giggling a little out loud. *Wipes tears from eyes.*

Glee was pretty good too since they did a Michael Jackson tribute. I thought a lot of the scenarios were kind of overdramatic though. Like Rachel FREAKING OUT about NYADA and Quinn telling her that in order to be happy she needs to break up with Finn. Like, first of all – WHO IS ANYONE TO TELL ANYONE WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE THAT PERSON HAPPY!? You are not them! You cannot and should not ever give anyone “advice” like that. That’s just rude and inconsiderate.  And then the whole Meerkat face kid Sebastian slushie-ing Blaine with rock salt? Like okay, I can see that happening in real life to someone – but Kurt refusing to have that tape turned in by Santana was kind of ridiculous. YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GETTING SURGERY BECAUSE SOME DOUCHEBAG TRIED TO MAKE YOU GO BLIND AND YOU’RE TRYING NOT TO GET THE POLICE INVOLVED? ARE YOU CRAZY? 

But on the bright side, they covered Michael Jackson’s I Can’t Stop Loving You which is a beautiful and brilliant song. And Smooth Criminal! But no one sings that song better than Alien Ant Farm.

So all I have left to do for finals (besides take an actual exam in cultural diversity, apparently) is finish my jacket for pattern techniques. I’ve got tomorrow to set in my sleeves and do the hems. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna rip my eyeballs out and cry. And then when it’s all over I’m going to veg the fuck out and watch like 37 episodes of Felicity over break. And maybe clean my room cause it looks like a disorderly swine lives in it right now. Too many little things everywhere. Christ.

I would also like to mention that we had a high of like 54 or 57 degrees here in the Metro Detroit area and it was BEYOND GLORIOUS. It made all the snow melt away from this weekend and I was like OH GOD YES, SPRING, COME SOONER! But our crazy warm winter is just more proof that global warming is a-happenin’. Like no one can tell me that that shit ain’t real. Not only do I have my window open on January 31st, but I can see the grass outside through it and it is still kind of green! SO SHUN THE NON-BELIEVERS.