An Open Letter to My 1:15 AM Thoughts

Dear Forever Almost-Maybes or Just One In Particular,

It’s raining tonight. But you know that.

And I’m sitting here looking at the green icon next to your name telling me you’re active, but I’m irked by the fact that you’re not on Skype.

Did I do something wrong? Was our last interaction too awkward for you? Are you avoiding me because of it? There’s a thousand and one questions I want to ask, but I’m afraid of the answer, no matter how many times I repeat “YOLO” in my head. I’m scared to scratch too deep, even though you’ve never gotten angry with me before.

Maybe I’ve been conditioned to be scared like this, afraid to hear to the octaves and the tones reach higher. But that doesn’t make me want to ask less questions. Because wanting and doing are two different things, as we keep reminding ourselves.

Yet I still don’t feel unburdened no matter how many times I say that I want to ask you a million questions. I just want to be closer to you. I just want to be able to communicate with you more freely. Is that too much to ask? I hate that this always happens.

But at least you didn’t apologize for last time.



Do you ever meet someone who completely changes your life? Like, I think all the people in your life do that. But there are some that alter it more than others. I find it extremely fascinating that we allow the lives and presence of others to alter our own.

Anyway, these certain people who stand out more than others come in two forms: really good and really bad. Sometimes they’re both. Sometimes they start out being really good for you. Or you think they’re really good for you. And then they crush you – be it mentally, emotionally, physically, or otherwise.

And depending on the severity of it, it can take a long time to heal, or a REALLY LONG TIME to heal. Like maybe you’ll never heal. I think healing from the emotional/psychological pain others inflict on us (especially severe cases) can take a lifetime. I think we carry opens wounds and scars with us to our deathbed when they’re that bad. I think some people are so wounded they reincarnate because they haven’t learned that lesson. And they go through it again. Until the lesson is learned. Rinse, repeat.

But then there’s the people who brighten our lives so much it’s like they radiate sunshine out of every crevice and corner of their being. And you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face because this person is in your life and you know you’re going to see them, or talk to them. Text them, IM them, email them, Skype them, whatever.

Maybe this person is your reason to live (though you should never put so much dependency on another being like that – it’s a heavy burden!) or maybe they’re your reason to dress up every day and put on your best attitude. Maybe they’re the reason you put on an extra spritz of perfume, or the reason you take the long way to get somewhere.

This other person is a happy bubble in your life, and you treasure that bubble like it’s the only bubble on earth. And maybe that’s the interesting thing about these people. That we fixate on them, whether they’re good or bad. It’s like we’re hard-wired to think about them. To torture ourselves by thinking of how wonderful they are or how much they ruined our lives.


Infuriation. Should Be A Word.

Today started out like any other day – beautiful, sunny, delicious Gevalia coffee in my stomach, some slight frustration with the Gerber program and it’s ridiculous illogical logicalness. And then I saw my face in a meme on my friend’s Facebook feed.

Let me preface this by saying that this meme thing started several months ago and I asked the person responsible for it to take it down. It took a fight and a half for him to finally concede and agree to not continue doing it. While I admit that it is funny, I do not feel comfortable with having my face plastered on the internet in such a manner, especially not without my permission and even more so after asking repeatedly for it not to happen again.

Fast forward to this week and said person remembers the “fond memories” of how “hilarious” that meme was and decides against my wishes to reinstate it. Yes, I laughed. Yes, I still think it’s funny – but I still feel uncomfortable in the same respect and for the same reasons, and so I asked him to take them down again. Nothing’s happened.

In fact, what happened was that I tried to talk to him in a civilized manner and have a civilized, honest conversation and this is the response I got: “I’m done talkin’ to you. You have a attitude with me that you don’t have with anybody else.” And he turned around and walked out with me trying to say that I’m trying to having a civilized conversation. All I wanted to do was ask ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME to take the pictures down.

There are several things I don’t understand about this situation. First of all, I do not understand what can possibly be so incredibly hard about respecting someone’s wishes after being asked repeatedly to do so. How is that a hard thing? What cannot be grasped about that? I’m pretty sure a kindergardener could probably understand that concept.

Secondly, since when is it okay to just turn around and walk away while someone’s trying to talk to you? Not yelling, not even getting angry. Simply trying to have a normal conversation. And then to have the audacity to be mad at them without a proper reason. Because I’m pretty damn sure that he doesn’t have any viable reasons to be mad at me for. And piggybacking on that, let me just say slightly unrelatedly that it pisses me off so much that he gets so offended by the littlest most insignificant shit, yet when he says something that is actually viably offensive, I’m basically not allowed to get offended because he gets offended because it’s “not that big a deal” or something, when in actuality, it is. Hypocrisy at its finest, folks.

Thirdly, I find it incredibly rude and audacious, not to mention perhaps a little bit illegal, to use someone’s photograph that they took (the one in question is actually copyrighted via Deviantart) without their written permission or consent. Isn’t that like property theft or something? Maybe I’m blowing this a little bit out of proportion, but the basic principle of this is that you do not use someone’s work without asking them first – regardless of whether or not they are your “friend”! That’s not right.

And neither is continuing to disrespect an agreement that came to through a drawn out fight that is happening ONCE AGAIN for the SAME FUCKING SHIT. That makes zero fucking sense. Oh, and refusing to read a written message that explains all this and telling me that if I want to say something I should say it to your face is the biggest fucking audacious hypocritical bullshit I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Fuck no. I tried doing that. I can’t talk to someone who refuses to allow me to say what I need to say. What the fuck is that? A very poor excuse for extraordinarily unwarranted pissiness.

Lastly, I really hate being angry. I loathe being loathsome. I despise succumbing to such base emotions and letting them consume me. This bullshit is not conducive to a healthy life and it truly and deeply disturbs me that I have someone in my life that infuriates in me such a way. But I can’t exactly just do one of those “friendship break ups” because we work and go to school in the same place and we see each other all the time and we have a plethora of friends in common. But I’m so fucking sick and tired of constantly having these tug and pull bullshit arguments and full-blown “fights“. I come home feeling angry and take it out on my family and other friends when I should be taking it out on the culprit person. Yet I can’t because god forbid anyone has the opportunity to say anything to him! Because that makes sense.