Confidence

I really enjoy getting psychic/intuitive readings. I find that getting someone else’s perspective on things is exactly the thing that I need sometimes to help me see things from a different perspective, and give me a nice little kick in the butt.

That said, I chose to get one spur of the moment earlier this week and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Among the common threads that linked all my issues together was needing to feel confident in myself and my abilities. I have not been feeling appropriately confident and this has held me back. I know what I am capable of, I know what I can achieve and I know I have talents. But lately I’ve been questioning all of that, and have internalized it all as well. I know this hasn’t done me any good. What good is worrying anyway? I must remind myself of one of my favorite pieces of advice:
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t take you anywhere.

In that I must find my strength. And in action. I know that standing still won’t help me move forward, and I need to conjure up the courage to face my problems with my chin up and my smile on.

I’ve always found that when I feel good about myself, I look good in the mirror as well. When I feel down on myself, I look terrible. I find flaws, more reasons to hate this part of me, that part. Both positive mind sets and negative ones are miraculous in their own ways. While a positive one can make you see the greenest parts of life, a negative one can make you forget them, and in that they are both powerful. But a negative mind set never got anyone anything worth while, and I’m not about wasting any more of my time feeling sorry for myself, wishing I’d done this or that, or any other shit.

There is no one in this world that is better at piecing us together than ourselves. We tear ourselves apart, and we build ourselves back up. It’s a learning process. And I am currently learning to be more confident. To trust myself more. To know that I have worth and I need to project that part of me.

I have been told numerous times that when you are confident in yourself, others will see you as such as well. I think that’s true of all characteristics and emotions. And as such, I think it’s not only good, but vital, that we project ourselves as positive, open-minded, kind, and confident. No one likes to hang around a debby downer. It’s like sticking a cord in a socket that sucks all the energy out.

I know I can’t change overnight. I don’t expect to. Everything takes time and time heals all wounds. My goal for now is to remain centered and focused on myself. I need to reign in my energy and build up my confidence so I can project that and communicate to people that I am open, I am available, and I am approachable.

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On Weight Gain and Mental Beatups

It seems that every time I make a post here I’m complaining about something.

Today it’s my weight.

In the past year, I’ve really let myself down and gained back 10 lbs that I worked very hard to lose in the year prior. I cannot even begin to describe how absolutely awful I feel about it and how much I beat myself up over it mentally. It’s actually pretty toxic and I know that every time I think negative thoughts like that, when I look in the mirror, I see myself as ugly and fat and etc etc.

I know that when I think positive thoughts that I see myself as beautiful and not so fat, etc. It’s amazing what the mind can do.

It’s also amazing how easy it is to let yourself lose control. And the worst part is that there is no one to blame but yourself. This is a really tough journey and the only person you can hold accountable for failures and successes is you.

I think maybe even harder than all of that is learning to embrace the journey as a whole, regardless of whether you have failures or successes, and keep in mind that it is an ongoing, life-long JOURNEY that requires positive mental interactions with oneself, positive affirmations, and trust and belief in yourself that you can and you will do what you say you will.

The reason I quit Weight Watchers was because I was cheating myself on the program. I wasn’t tracking anymore (physically, anyway, I’d do it mentally) and I didn’t care whether I went over my points for the day. I wasn’t really lying to myself so much as trying to justify “oh, an extra point here and there won’t hurt”. But it did hurt.

I’m trying to make better dietary decisions again. I already eat well by most standards – heavily vegetarian/vegan with poultry and seafood. However, the pasta and dairy families continue to be my by biggest downfalls. I overindulge in both of these and I know that I need to stop or lessen my intake. “It’s so hard” is not a good enough excuse and I know it.

I’m also TRYING to go to the gym more often again as well, however, work and the weather have both been getting in my way, resulting in lazy days. I did just finish a 30 day yoga challenge, which really helped me get more flexible, but I haven’t been inclined to do HIIT at home in a while and that’s hurting me as well.

I just need to get back on track overall and I need to do it NOW because I’m sick of beating myself up mentally and going into minor depressions about it. I worked so hard to get to where I am, I am NOT allowed to sabotage all that hard work. I will NOT go back to wearing my old wardrobe, I absolutely refuse.

I’m Okay, I Am.

I feel like I’ve definitely been neglecting this blog and I’m not exactly okay with that.

I’ve been super busy with work for the past 2 weeks though, since it’s the holiday season and retail be crazy as fuck. I’ve made a plethora of sales though, and a few of them have been on the higher end, so that makes me happy. I’ve always got a great pile of gifts under my tree for my family, which for whatever reason also fills me with happiness.

My mom is still driving my absolutely crazy. She has these moments when it’s like she transforms into this ultra dragon-lady cunt and I’m like what the actual fuck is wrong with you and why the fuck are you yelling me? It’s so aggravating. I need to the get fuck out of this goddamn house before she gets worse because I cannot handle these bipolar attitude swings. Last night she called me to ask where she should park her car and I said to park it wherever the heck she wants. Next thing I know she’s yelling at me for having an attitude and I’m like – what? I did not have an attitude but I WILL have an attitude if you tell me I have one when I don’t. That shit really pisses me off.

Earlier she was doing something in my kitchen and started harping about how the drying dish sink is disorganized and you can’t place things in it correctly. I just wanted to smack her and tell her to go the fuck to bed already. I used to look forward to days when she was off from work, but now I find myself wishing she would work even more because she just pisses me off.

I’m at a weird point in my life right now. I can feel it’s like some kind of crossroad. I know I’m nearing a time when I need to start establishing my own roots (and moving the fuck out of this goddamn house) and sever the coddling umbilical cord between myself and my parental household. But I don’t have the funds (yet) to do so and do so in a “safe” way. And by safe, I mean in a way that will allow me to not come back because I can’t support myself.

It’s really distressing and I’m trying my very best to keep a positive attitude and mindset about everything. I’ve felt attacked by negative thoughts and attitudes and people lately and it feels like poison coursing through my veins and I absolutely fucking hate every minute of it.

*breathes in*

Happy holidays!

Externals

Today’s post comes with this quote in mind, which I mentioned in an earlier post while I was watching season 2 of Borgia:

If you are plagued by externals, it is not they who trouble you, but the importance you give them. (Marcus Aurelius)

I believe in this phrase so immensely, I repeat it to myself constantly, so that I don’t forget it and that I heed it’s message as much as I can. There are aggravations in my life right now caused by people who are not on my good side, but you know what, it’s exactly how this quote says – it’s not really them who are bothering me, but rather the importance I’m giving them.

And so, I have been practicing not giving a fuck anymore about what people say about me or to me if it is destructive or negative because it doesn’t matter. Let them have their opinions. Let them seethe in their negativity. I will not add fuel to their fire. I am nobody’s whipping girl.

The Power of Thoughts

Sometimes I find it ridiculous just how easily my moods can change. Or perhaps more importantly, how powerful thoughts are. Because assumptions are often (with me) negative thoughts that consume my mind and ultimately become these fallacies that I somehow talked myself into finding true, even though they’re more often than not far from the truth.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I find it sickening how easily I can make my mood swing simply by the thoughts I choose to think. I’ve often found that the thoughts I’ve chosen to think manifest themselves into the energy I put out and the energy I get back due to that.

Which only furthers my desire to constantly be in a positive state of mind. I fully realize and accept that negative thoughts and negativity in general is not conducive to anything – I tell people this all. the. time. It is hard advice to follow, however, and I understand that. This shit truly is a circle. Truly. 

But I also understand that sometimes it is crucial to ride the way of negativity. Just not for too long. You gotta know when you have to hop off the surf board, or you’ll drown.

You know?

Acknowledgement.

I have a philosophy on life that goes like this: to acknowledge is to ignite the fire that yearns to burn. 

I often try to remind myself of this, in various phrasings, as a mantra to help me stay positive. Sometimes I slip, like any human does. Getting back to work this weekend has been one of those times. The longer I work in retail, the more I find myself beginning to dislike, to hate, to loathe people. I find myself spilling out negative energy, and it’s like I can actually feel it pouring out of me. Like it’s some kind of sentient cloud surrounding my body. And I hate it.

And I hate that I let myself absorb the negative energy from people. And I hate that I dwell on it. And I hate that it consumes me. 

Today my horoscope suggested I start meditating as a way to center myself. I’ve actually considered doing that for a long time, so it was kind of a nice prod in the back. The last time I seriously meditated was pretty wonderful and I felt much better after doing it. I remember being in a sort of trance, like when I’ve been under hypnosis, and not being entirely sure if I was in a trance or not.

The only way forward is to think positively, to smile through the pain, to push out the negativity. To pull it off my body like spiderwebs clinging to every inch of me. I refuse to be pulled down by other people’s energies! I am not fit to harbor negativity.

Circle of Life.

Sometimes I feel like I’m an emotional outlet. People plug in to me all the time and drain my energy with their problems. I try not to let that happen often, but sometimes I’m just so spongey that I absorb it too well. It’s annoying and lame. Cause then I come home and I’m a bitch for no reason whatsoever. Listen people, negative energy only festers. It does not create anything more than more negative energy, and that is not something that I want to be carrying around. This is why I try to be a positive, happy person. Positivity conducts more positivity. Apparently, positivity isn’t a real word, but I’m making it a real word because it should be. MORAL OF THE STORY: BE FUCKING HAPPY. NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENED FROM BEING HAPPY.

That said, I’m currently listening to Simple Plan’s self-titled 3rd album, and it reminds me of my senior year of high school. I miss high school. I miss seeing my then friends every day and I miss blow off classes and choir and lunch. College is lame in that department – all the cool kids are graduating after this term is over. An old friend of mine once said that she hated starting high school and college and then the real world because it was like starting over every time, and she’s kind of right. It’s not always nice to start over. But in the end, it’s all a part of life, isn’t it? Old things must die for new growth to spring up. Circle of life.

And now for a brightness to my rather depressing post so far:

Ellen is hilarious. And this picture is doubly hilarious. Enjoy.