Confidence

I really enjoy getting psychic/intuitive readings. I find that getting someone else’s perspective on things is exactly the thing that I need sometimes to help me see things from a different perspective, and give me a nice little kick in the butt.

That said, I chose to get one spur of the moment earlier this week and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Among the common threads that linked all my issues together was needing to feel confident in myself and my abilities. I have not been feeling appropriately confident and this has held me back. I know what I am capable of, I know what I can achieve and I know I have talents. But lately I’ve been questioning all of that, and have internalized it all as well. I know this hasn’t done me any good. What good is worrying anyway? I must remind myself of one of my favorite pieces of advice:
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t take you anywhere.

In that I must find my strength. And in action. I know that standing still won’t help me move forward, and I need to conjure up the courage to face my problems with my chin up and my smile on.

I’ve always found that when I feel good about myself, I look good in the mirror as well. When I feel down on myself, I look terrible. I find flaws, more reasons to hate this part of me, that part. Both positive mind sets and negative ones are miraculous in their own ways. While a positive one can make you see the greenest parts of life, a negative one can make you forget them, and in that they are both powerful. But a negative mind set never got anyone anything worth while, and I’m not about wasting any more of my time feeling sorry for myself, wishing I’d done this or that, or any other shit.

There is no one in this world that is better at piecing us together than ourselves. We tear ourselves apart, and we build ourselves back up. It’s a learning process. And I am currently learning to be more confident. To trust myself more. To know that I have worth and I need to project that part of me.

I have been told numerous times that when you are confident in yourself, others will see you as such as well. I think that’s true of all characteristics and emotions. And as such, I think it’s not only good, but vital, that we project ourselves as positive, open-minded, kind, and confident. No one likes to hang around a debby downer. It’s like sticking a cord in a socket that sucks all the energy out.

I know I can’t change overnight. I don’t expect to. Everything takes time and time heals all wounds. My goal for now is to remain centered and focused on myself. I need to reign in my energy and build up my confidence so I can project that and communicate to people that I am open, I am available, and I am approachable.

I Don’t Get Paid Enough to Deal with Rude People

I’ve talked about negativity and how much I dislike it a lot on this blog. Let me reiterate that: I hate negativity. Which is a negative feeling in itself.

Tonight I had a customer call (who called about 2 weeks ago for the same reason) to inquire about whether her ring was back. So I asked her a few questions like back from what exactly, what her name was and was it a layaway or repair to which she very rudely answered that it was a repair and then very snappishly told me that I should know where things are because I work there. I deeply regret biting my tongue because I was about to tell this bitch that I was asking her questions so I could gather where I should be looking to find out where her ring is.

Mind you, last time she called, she did not give me any specifics out right without my asking about where I should be looking for her ring.. It wasn’t there and I was under the impression that our jeweler had it (98% of our repairs are handled by our jeweler) and I told her this and she yelled at me that I should know where her ring is because I work there. Which, by the way, PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. JUST BECAUSE I WORK HERE DOESN’T MEAN I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I ALSO DIDN’T HANDLE YOUR FUCKING REPAIR. I’m calmer at this moment than I was both times after talking with her, but I assure you all that this lady is a fucking cunt and I’m being very docile in explaining the situation right now.

Anyway, I looked in our repair book and saw that her ring had been sent to the vendor, which is OVER SEAS. Vendor repairs generally take between 6-8 weeks to return back home. This bitch’s ring has been out for 3 weeks. 3 fucking weeks and she’s HARASSING ME. So I told her the vendor has it and SHE FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME. No words. Simply *click*.

I fucking snapped.

I yelled “HELLO!?” into the phone even though I knew she’d hung up but I was half hoping she’d still be on the line. And then I said FUCKING BITCH. OOOOOOOOOOOO I wish she’d still been on the line to hear that. I cannot even BEGIN to explain how much this bitch pisses me off. She calls and harasses me like this all the time and then just fucking HANGS THE FUCK UP without saying anything while I’m still giving her information.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

I swear to god, if this interaction had happened in real life, I might’ve lost my job. Like I might’ve hopped the fuck over the counter and beat a bitch. I told our LP guy the whole story and the entire time I was beating my fist into my palm because I was THAT angry. The utter disrespect and rudeness of this fucking bitch makes me sick to my stomach. Just because I work in customer service/retail doesn’t give you any fucking right to talk to me like that.

FUCK the “customer is always right” slogan. That shit is bullfuckingshit and we all know it. 9 times out of 10, the customer is wrong and I shouldn’t be bending over backwards to please their ignorant ass. I don’t get paid enough for this fucking shit.

Later in the night, a foreign man whistled for his wife to meet him in the front of the store. I was startled at first. Then he kept doing it. Quick and loud whistles as if it was summoning at a dog. I looked up and gave him a severe dirty look because:
1. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!??!!?
2. It was hurting my ears.
3. How fucking demeaning is that!?

Lastly, as I was walking into Meijer tonight, a foreign lady and presumably her daughter looked at me weird/kinda annoyed because they wanted to exit through the IN door that I was coming in. They have automatic doors with signs that say “DO NOT ENTER” if you’re going the wrong way (which they were) and “IN” for the right way. Again – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!? Don’t fucking look at me like I’m on the one who’s doing something wrong because you don’t have enough brains to look at the signs on a fucking door.

Additionally, my boss was aggravated which did not create is a friendly work environment today. We were mostly silent and I’m okay with that because it leaves more room for me to think and keep to myself. But when we did talk, or rather SHE talked, it was to complain about various stupid things other employees did. I find this unprofessional.

The world was here to piss me off today.

I’m Okay, I Am.

I feel like I’ve definitely been neglecting this blog and I’m not exactly okay with that.

I’ve been super busy with work for the past 2 weeks though, since it’s the holiday season and retail be crazy as fuck. I’ve made a plethora of sales though, and a few of them have been on the higher end, so that makes me happy. I’ve always got a great pile of gifts under my tree for my family, which for whatever reason also fills me with happiness.

My mom is still driving my absolutely crazy. She has these moments when it’s like she transforms into this ultra dragon-lady cunt and I’m like what the actual fuck is wrong with you and why the fuck are you yelling me? It’s so aggravating. I need to the get fuck out of this goddamn house before she gets worse because I cannot handle these bipolar attitude swings. Last night she called me to ask where she should park her car and I said to park it wherever the heck she wants. Next thing I know she’s yelling at me for having an attitude and I’m like – what? I did not have an attitude but I WILL have an attitude if you tell me I have one when I don’t. That shit really pisses me off.

Earlier she was doing something in my kitchen and started harping about how the drying dish sink is disorganized and you can’t place things in it correctly. I just wanted to smack her and tell her to go the fuck to bed already. I used to look forward to days when she was off from work, but now I find myself wishing she would work even more because she just pisses me off.

I’m at a weird point in my life right now. I can feel it’s like some kind of crossroad. I know I’m nearing a time when I need to start establishing my own roots (and moving the fuck out of this goddamn house) and sever the coddling umbilical cord between myself and my parental household. But I don’t have the funds (yet) to do so and do so in a “safe” way. And by safe, I mean in a way that will allow me to not come back because I can’t support myself.

It’s really distressing and I’m trying my very best to keep a positive attitude and mindset about everything. I’ve felt attacked by negative thoughts and attitudes and people lately and it feels like poison coursing through my veins and I absolutely fucking hate every minute of it.

*breathes in*

Happy holidays!

Externals

Today’s post comes with this quote in mind, which I mentioned in an earlier post while I was watching season 2 of Borgia:

If you are plagued by externals, it is not they who trouble you, but the importance you give them. (Marcus Aurelius)

I believe in this phrase so immensely, I repeat it to myself constantly, so that I don’t forget it and that I heed it’s message as much as I can. There are aggravations in my life right now caused by people who are not on my good side, but you know what, it’s exactly how this quote says – it’s not really them who are bothering me, but rather the importance I’m giving them.

And so, I have been practicing not giving a fuck anymore about what people say about me or to me if it is destructive or negative because it doesn’t matter. Let them have their opinions. Let them seethe in their negativity. I will not add fuel to their fire. I am nobody’s whipping girl.

The Power of Thoughts

Sometimes I find it ridiculous just how easily my moods can change. Or perhaps more importantly, how powerful thoughts are. Because assumptions are often (with me) negative thoughts that consume my mind and ultimately become these fallacies that I somehow talked myself into finding true, even though they’re more often than not far from the truth.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I find it sickening how easily I can make my mood swing simply by the thoughts I choose to think. I’ve often found that the thoughts I’ve chosen to think manifest themselves into the energy I put out and the energy I get back due to that.

Which only furthers my desire to constantly be in a positive state of mind. I fully realize and accept that negative thoughts and negativity in general is not conducive to anything – I tell people this all. the. time. It is hard advice to follow, however, and I understand that. This shit truly is a circle. Truly. 

But I also understand that sometimes it is crucial to ride the way of negativity. Just not for too long. You gotta know when you have to hop off the surf board, or you’ll drown.

You know?