On Weight Gain and Mental Beatups

It seems that every time I make a post here I’m complaining about something.

Today it’s my weight.

In the past year, I’ve really let myself down and gained back 10 lbs that I worked very hard to lose in the year prior. I cannot even begin to describe how absolutely awful I feel about it and how much I beat myself up over it mentally. It’s actually pretty toxic and I know that every time I think negative thoughts like that, when I look in the mirror, I see myself as ugly and fat and etc etc.

I know that when I think positive thoughts that I see myself as beautiful and not so fat, etc. It’s amazing what the mind can do.

It’s also amazing how easy it is to let yourself lose control. And the worst part is that there is no one to blame but yourself. This is a really tough journey and the only person you can hold accountable for failures and successes is you.

I think maybe even harder than all of that is learning to embrace the journey as a whole, regardless of whether you have failures or successes, and keep in mind that it is an ongoing, life-long JOURNEY that requires positive mental interactions with oneself, positive affirmations, and trust and belief in yourself that you can and you will do what you say you will.

The reason I quit Weight Watchers was because I was cheating myself on the program. I wasn’t tracking anymore (physically, anyway, I’d do it mentally) and I didn’t care whether I went over my points for the day. I wasn’t really lying to myself so much as trying to justify “oh, an extra point here and there won’t hurt”. But it did hurt.

I’m trying to make better dietary decisions again. I already eat well by most standards – heavily vegetarian/vegan with poultry and seafood. However, the pasta and dairy families continue to be my by biggest downfalls. I overindulge in both of these and I know that I need to stop or lessen my intake. “It’s so hard” is not a good enough excuse and I know it.

I’m also TRYING to go to the gym more often again as well, however, work and the weather have both been getting in my way, resulting in lazy days. I did just finish a 30 day yoga challenge, which really helped me get more flexible, but I haven’t been inclined to do HIIT at home in a while and that’s hurting me as well.

I just need to get back on track overall and I need to do it NOW because I’m sick of beating myself up mentally and going into minor depressions about it. I worked so hard to get to where I am, I am NOT allowed to sabotage all that hard work. I will NOT go back to wearing my old wardrobe, I absolutely refuse.

I Fall Asleep Writing Poems at 10:38 PM

Has anyone else been doing National Poetry Month this year? I keep skipping days and then falling asleep trying to come up with lines to rhyme lmao. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at like 10:38 last night. I still need to fill in AT LEAST 5 days of poems. Sigh. Duties.

I’m debating what to do with my day off tomorrow. I kind of just want to be a couch potato and stay at home, not really do much. I should probably hit up the gym though. I went today and it was a good decision. Although this one really beefy guy who I’ve seen before and always stares at me intensely was lifting next to me and it was kind of hilariously awkward because I felt like he was showing off.

But I’m not sure if he was showing off in like HEY BABAY way or a LOOK AT MY FUCKING GUNS BITCH YEAH I KNOW I DON’T NEED TO LIFT ANYMORE BUT LOOK AT MY BICEPS, THEY’RE THE SIZE OF YOUR THIGHS way. He kept making eye contact with me and then lifting 100s. I was like….okay…I’m just gonna continue tricep dipping here…

The best part was when he flexed his biceps in the mirror and I really had to restrain myself from laughing out loud. Seriously, sometimes people do shit that makes me have to bite my tongue and I look insane smiling in the mirror.

Growing Biceps Like a Petri Dish

This gif just made my night:

this is where i’d keep my scratching post…IF I HAD ONE

Also, tonight I decided to go to the gym after school/work and it was a great choice. I feel fantastic, though a little guilty about eating 3 pieces of cranberry tort when I got home. But I think I stayed within my points.

I decided to try out the resistance training apparatus tonight. The second guy that was on the neighboring one was very friendly and kind enough to lower my bar for me when I couldn’t figure out how. I think he said stuff after too, but I don’t remember what, as I was too distracted by his good looks and the weird way he was using his pulley.

I think I’m going to be properly sore tomorrow. I very much look forward to those pains. I love muscle fever.

Pride.

Day 11. 

Today I’m grateful that I decided to take the initiative to seriously lose weight because few things feel better than shrinking out of your clothes and having to go shopping for a whole new wardrobe.

Not to mention, the progressive decrease in numerically sized clothing is such an ego booster. And so are the stares from strangers and the compliments from friends and the overall feeling of better health I feel in myself.

My younger self – middle school/high school self, would never have fathomed that I would go to the gym on a regular basis. That I would sweat bullets on maximum incline on the treadmill, or that I would be lifting weights and slowly gaining muscle.

I am damn proud of myself. 

Even though I was a bad girl and ate kind of like a piggy this past week and gained 2.4 pounds. Sigh. It’s an ongoing battle.

Frank 2.0

Day 4. 

Today I am grateful that I feel the aches of physical pain because it means that I’m alive. I’m also grateful that I feel emotional pain because it means I still have my humanity.

I’ve thought long and hard about Frank all day (I also ran into him again today at the gym!) and what he said to me about his out of body experience – that if God let him come back to Earth, he was not allowed to help alter anyone’s life. I think this must be the reason we met.

I have a friend who is extremely unhappy – like legitmately suicidal unhappy. It is in my instincts to help people as much as I can and he is a case that I won’t give up on. I think meeting Frank is a sign from God or the universe or what have you that despite my efforts, I cannot change him. And I know that. All I can do is help him to see the change he can be.

But God, if I could, I would take away all his pain and misery and replace it with all the joy and happiness in the world because he deserves it. But I can’t do that. No one can change another person. All we can do is try to infuse our positive thoughts so that they may help themselves.

 

A couple weeks ago, Mini Boss and I were having some in-depth discussion about I don’t know what and she said “you know, I truly believe God helps those who help themselves.” And I sat there nodding, absorbing the sentiment of that statement. I think she’s right. Whatever forces are out there, I find that they are stronger when one has the willingness and positivity and state of mind to help oneself get to whatever point one wants to be at.

That’s the first step. Learning to be in a more positive state of mind. It’s hard, believe me, I know. But it’s possible. I just wish I could just plug my state of mind into others’ like a plug into a socket.