To the Psychic Last Summer

Dear Deborah,

I suppose I should start this off by saying first and foremost: I believed you and I still believe you and I’ll probably continue to believe you. You seemed like a genuinely awesome and honest person last July when we met and you told me the general future happenings of my life. In one year, I can say that your prediction of my weight loss (though not timed correctly, but close enough and that’s perfectly okay) has come true. But maybe it’s because I’m impatient to see what else comes true that I haven’t realized or seen anything else come true yet. Although honestly, I’m pretty sure what you told me was much more ahead in my future than I’m allowing myself to recognize for the moment, in which case, I really have no room to complain.

Except, the whole marriage business. One of most poignant things I remember you saying was that I will apparently be married within 3-4 years. That’s more like 2-3 years now, if we keep our fingers crossed and hope this turns out the way you said. Last year when you told me this, I was completely off in la-la-land wondering who on earth I could possibly be marrying in such a short time.

Now I’m sitting here hoping and praying it’ll end up being who I think I could be and driving myself crazy trying to figure out if the reciprocation I’m getting is actual, carnal reciprocation, or if I’m imagining it to be so because I want it so bad. And I get urges to come and visit you and ask you this, but I never do. So I sit and ponder whether or not wanting something bad enough and visualizing it happening can make it come true. Yet, you told me not to worry about love because it will come, and that’s the worse part of this. I’m not heeding your advice very well, but I’ve desperately been trying lately.

And then there was that whole offspring business that I asked about at the very end. When you saw my face after you told me I’ll have two, it was truly amusing. While this tidbit has crossed my mind numerous times within the last year, so has the fact that you said I still have free will to choose about that. But you said for now that’s what you see as the more definite path I’ll be treading. And that still scares me, yet at the same time I’ve found myself driving or swimming or doing other idle things and thinking of my future children and naming them. Anna Maria keeps popping up. I don’t know why. That name is always on the tip of my tongue. I don’t know about the second one though, I’m still trying to cope with the idea of popping any children out, much less TWO. This is also the part where you mentioned the whole marriage and 3 to 4 years thing. I remember you saying “oh don’t worry, you’ll be married then. I can see a ring on your finger,” and I hyperventilated, about the kids part.

The other big portion I remember was the career side. Whenever I start freaking out about graduating in a year, I try to remember what you told me about this. I remember you saying not to worry about it, especially the financial part because you said “money will come” (a mantra I’ve adopted) and you put extra emphasis on this bit. I also remember you saying, and this was the best part, that I will be successful in everything I do.

I remember telling you about that Tarot reading I got at the RenFest that one year and how I pulled out the “Happily Ever After” card and told you it basically signified I’ll be getting everything I’ve ever wanted and all will be well and you said yup, that’s exactly it. And my heart fluttered. There were other things you told me about my career path that I’m pretty excited to see coming to fruition in time. Like who’ll be flanking me, as you put it.

Lastly, in the beginning of the reading you told me you see that I am a very spiritual person and that I have a very powerful tendency to manifest anything I want, and that people are drawn to my energy. Every now and again I remember this part and I think to myself, you know…that is a very accurate observation. I very often do get/manifest what I want, and in terms of love (which has been plaguing my mind for FAR TOO LONG) it gives me hope that if I keep pushing on and hoping and praying and focusing my mind on what exactly I want out of it, then maybe, just maybe, for once in my life all that energy will not go to waste in the form of another broken heart and pieces to collect, but rather manifest in to what I want it to be.

I guess what I’m trying to say via this rather large retelling of last July’s reading is that:
1. I’m impatient and wish I could see these things come to be already.
2. You reignited the little flame in my heart about not being alone and single the rest of my life.
3. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for a wonderful reading. I often re-read the diary entry where I recorded most of what you said.

Love,
A believer in the coming future, except those kids. I don’t know about those kids.

A Graduation Post.

I just spent the last 10 minutes or so crying about a DAYDREAM. The Glee season finale (which I will discuss shortly) peppered me up, but I had a good little cry session in the mirror (I know, this just sounds all kinds of odd) and now I feel better. What threw me over the edge was imagining my future daughter (if I were to ever have such a thing) telling me she had an imaginary friend named Lena and I immediately knew it was my great-grandmother. And I just started bawling. I am of the nature to believe in such things, and I wonder if even though I imagined this, it was her way of saying hello from the other side tonight. She passed away about 13 years ago and I don’t often think about her, but I have a strong feeling she poked my brain. WHAT IF IT WAS A PREMONITION THOUGH!? Oh my god, children…that I popped out…
 
I’m not entirely against having kids. I mean, don’t get me wrong, for the most part I am. They’re a huge responsibility among many, many other things. But if the right person came along and really wanted to have kids with me, I might consider it…I could be swayed. BUT I NEVER SAID THAT. *COUGH*
 
So about that Glee finale! I missed it last week, and I actually, believe it or not, had time to watch it tonight! First of all, the music choices were pretty great. What got me though was the graduation ceremony. That was LITERALLY the most unrealistic graduation ceremony I have ever seen on television. They were called out of alphabetical order, they freaking CAME OUT THROUGH CURTAINS and there were about 35 graduating seniors on that stage. Their high school cannot be a multi-national sports champion high school with so little graduates – no way in flaming hell. 
 
However, that particular scene jogged the reminiscence of my high school graduation and that’s when I started being on the verge of tears. I remember feeling nervous and excited as well as sad. I was extra nervous and excited because I was in choir my senior year (BEST FUCKING 6TH HOUR IN THE WORLD, BTW) and we performed at graduation. I wore my very high heeled Guess by Marciano wedges and happened to be on the top steps of the choral stairs. I had no trouble getting up there, but getting down was a different story. I personally think it was one of the most amusing parts of the whole ceremony and I look back on it with merriment. I got stuck on the top step (mostly due to fear of falling down and breaking my ankles or something of that nature) long after the rest of the choir had exited. I think about 2 or 3 of friends lagged behind to watch me struggle to get off the steps, and my fellow graduate friend Heather helped me down. I remember the audience laughing (me included) as our principal took to the microphone and I was still perched up there afraid of stepping down and slightly screaming for someone to help me down.
 

Oh look, it’s 17 year old me with short hair. Graduated with honors, bitches! Historian for National Honor Society 8). I think I might’ve been a little heavier here. I think. Maybe. I’m not sure.

Anyway, after remembering my high school graduation, I imagined what my college graduation might be like. I determined that I will probably cry, a lot. And hug people. Like, a lot a lot. I’ll probably be so emotional I’ll say really awkward things to people (it’s inevitable, I did it at my HS graduation too; I still feel embarrassed by those memories) and probably do awkward and embarrassing things as well.And then I shall be thrust into the real world.
 
And I will cry and wish I was a stupid teenager again with next to nothing responsibility, zero loan payment bills, and “real” summer vacations where I could stay up until 4 AM talking to friends on messenger chats and trolling the interwebz. Oh youth, where art thou gone?
ETA: WHY IS MY BLOG FUCKING UP THE LOOK OF THE TEXT TONIGHT. WHAT IS THIS SHIT.

Don’t Have Kids If You’re Gonna Be A Dickshit Parent.

I went shopping twice today. The second time around, I went with my mom and we stopped by Meijer [the second time for me today]. While there, after we emerged from the Christmas section, we noticed there was a little kid standing against the wall looking scared. We both asked him if he was okay and where his mom or parents were repeatedly. I even got down to his level because I know that getting down to the same level as a little kid makes you seem less intimidating, and I asked him again if he was okay, and I told him I wouldn’t hurt him and I outstretched my hand to try to get him to come over to me. But all he did was cower even more and look as if he was about to burst into tears.

So then my mom went and got a worker to help us out, and just as the guy was rounding the corner, the kid’s dad came angrily pounding down the aisle, grabbed the kid forcefully, and literally DRAGGED him, kicking and screaming, to god knows where in the store and said “That’s the last time you run away from me.” and me and my mom were both like O_O and we both said at the same time “abusive“. Everything about that whole situation just screamed “bad home life“. I couldn’t stop thinking of the kid for a long time. It’s stuff like that that makes you thankful that you have normal parents and a pretty damn good life.

I almost burst in tears too watching this kid cower away from me while I was trying to reach out to him. Imagine what kind of horrors he must face at home. This is one of the reasons I personally believe some people just shouldn’t have kids. Like some people just need to be raped of their sperm and eggs and never be allowed to have children because they don’t know how to parent. They’re not fit to be parents. They will never be fit to be parents. I don’t care if they go through parenting classes or some shit, they shouldn’t be allowed.

Anyway, sad story aside: I finally found almond flour so I can make macaroons! Pumpkin Spice Macaroons to be exact. I bought some pumpkin puree and pumpkin spice and I think I’m going to make them tomorrow. I hope they turn out okay.

I also finally found some boots that fit my calf and are very comfortable, from Meijer! They were on sale for $39, so I’m pretty happy. And I bought some of those skank headbands by Goody. They’ve got some like jelly plastic on one side that’s supposed to make them “slide proof” but they still slide off my head. Just not as quickly.

This is what Goody Skanky Headbands look like.

I also stopped by Target earlier today and bought some Christmas ornaments and new tinsel for our tree. And tonight I got some deliciously stinky cheese from Whole Foods and White Chocolate Vanilla coffee from Big Lots. Speaking of coffee, I indulged in some Starbucks at Target today. I got their Pumpkin Spice Latte. It was quite delicious and worth the nearly $5 I spent on it. That was probably my…5th time I’ve ever gotten Starbucks hahaha. I have a somewhat interesting story with Starbucks. The first time I had Starbucks was in Amsterdam and it wasn’t even coffee – it was a delicious sandwich. I think the same was true for the second time, in Chicago. I got a sandwich and a yogurt parfait. It wasn’t until my 3rd time, also in Chicago, in the morning, that I finally got a caramel frappucino.