Do you ever meet someone who completely changes your life? Like, I think all the people in your life do that. But there are some that alter it more than others. I find it extremely fascinating that we allow the lives and presence of others to alter our own.
Anyway, these certain people who stand out more than others come in two forms: really good and really bad. Sometimes they’re both. Sometimes they start out being really good for you. Or you think they’re really good for you. And then they crush you – be it mentally, emotionally, physically, or otherwise.
And depending on the severity of it, it can take a long time to heal, or a REALLY LONG TIME to heal. Like maybe you’ll never heal. I think healing from the emotional/psychological pain others inflict on us (especially severe cases) can take a lifetime. I think we carry opens wounds and scars with us to our deathbed when they’re that bad. I think some people are so wounded they reincarnate because they haven’t learned that lesson. And they go through it again. Until the lesson is learned. Rinse, repeat.
But then there’s the people who brighten our lives so much it’s like they radiate sunshine out of every crevice and corner of their being. And you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face because this person is in your life and you know you’re going to see them, or talk to them. Text them, IM them, email them, Skype them, whatever.
Maybe this person is your reason to live (though you should never put so much dependency on another being like that – it’s a heavy burden!) or maybe they’re your reason to dress up every day and put on your best attitude. Maybe they’re the reason you put on an extra spritz of perfume, or the reason you take the long way to get somewhere.
This other person is a happy bubble in your life, and you treasure that bubble like it’s the only bubble on earth. And maybe that’s the interesting thing about these people. That we fixate on them, whether they’re good or bad. It’s like we’re hard-wired to think about them. To torture ourselves by thinking of how wonderful they are or how much they ruined our lives.
I don’t know what it is lately, but I’ve been very angry and irritable for some time now. I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of intense classes, work relations, and maybe like, something astrological.
I mostly don’t like it, because I don’t like being angry and frustrated, but at the same time I’m feel like I’m feeding off of it. I’ve decided I need to buy boxing gloves for the gym and print out pictures of people’s faces who I don’t like and beat the shit out of them. And I’m not joking.
I remember in like a CosmoGirl or a Seventeen magazine when I used to get them in high school, there was this fantastic pink boxing glove and punching bag set for $300something and the bag totally had a pocket you could slide a picture in for motivation. I really wanted that punching bag. You guys don’t even understand. I still think about it sometimes.
On the other hand, I totally and completely understand that the only way out is up. In other words, I need to take on a positive mindset and control myself like a Vulcan. Anger is the most base emotion. It can easily flare up and it’s just not conducive to anything good. To control it is power.
Tonight I want to talk a little philosophically about karma and the energy you put out. Let me preface this by telling you all a story of what I experienced before lunch. This girl asked me to help this lady who often comes up to the library with a very bad attitude, with a computer problem she was having. First of all, it’s not my job to help with that since I don’t work in IT, but whatever – I try to help out if it’s something minor, and it was, it was just a printing problem.
She was huffing and puffing about having to print something 4 times cause the first three times the paper fucked up as well as the way the type came out and she forgot to put her name on her shit. I had her print again and it came out fine. She seemed worried that it’s eating her printing money and I said it’s only like 30 cents (60 for the 4 pages she printed) and she gets $50.00 every term. Unless you’re printing books on some other crazy shit, you’re really not gonna blow through all that fucking money by printing 4 goddamn pages. Well, as soon as I mentioned that it was ONLY 30 cents she got super offended and rearing her bad attitude monster, bitching at me that in my world 30 cents isn’t a lot. And I said no, in my world and everyone else’s worlds 30 cents is nothing when you have fifty fucking dollars a term to print shit. I told her I had $30 left and it’s almost end of term. She just kept going on and on about how I was audacious to say that 30 cents is nothing (in less articulate words, mind you).
I just walked away and signed out and then cried like a damn child in J1B’s cubicle for half an hour. I mean like a DAMN CHILD – I kept crying and stopping and crying and stopping. At one point I thought I might choke on my sandwich cause I was starting to cry again. I was already feeling stupidly emotional before she got all cunty with me. She was the icing on top of an emotional cake. And so, in terms of karma I want to say this: I try my best not to wish bad things on people because I don’t want bad things to happen to me (karmic cycle here, people) however, if you’re a fucking bitch all the time, and especially to people who are trying to help you out, then you deserve every single motherfucking bad thing that comes your way because you’re putting out that energy.
I wholeheartedly believe in karma, and so I believe she’ll get what she deserves. But it is not okay to subject other people to your negativity. Now, I am a hypocrite in this because I have done that before – HOWEVER, I acknowledge it and desperately try not to do that because it’s destructive to not only the people who get the fire, but to my own being. And I don’t want to live that way.
That said, at the very end of my work day, HNI popped up out of the abyss again and I can’t even begin to tell you guys how happy that made me, especially after what happened today. And if you’re reading this right now here’s a huge thank you and the biggest virtual hug I can give you. You didn’t do anything except show up and I can’t even begin to explain how much that brightened my day. Here’s another lesson for today guys: Be someone others will swell with happiness to see. You never know how much you mean to a person!
Today has been a learning curve. Full of lessons and morals that I believe I’ve absorbed well.
Yesterday I had a short argument with one of my friends in which I said something that offended him, so he was mad at me throughout today and then toward the end of the class we have together, he asked if I was going to apologize about what I’d said yesterday because he’d been waiting for me to do so. So then we talked it out and I apologized and we hugged it out later on and now we’re good. I think. At least he’ll talk to me now, so that’s good.
I was also rudely insulted yesterday, which upset me at first – because as my cultural diversity teacher said today – we humans are sensitive creatures. However, I can sleep soundly at night knowing that the scale tips both ways, and nobody is exempt from the laws of karma. What you put out you get back. Every single little thought, little word you utter, little movement you make – I personally believe it will never go unchecked or unbalanced. Karma, IMO, is a fantastic thing to help you do better things and think more positively. Words have power, actions have power. What goes around comes around. Perhaps this was my karma for saying that offensive thing to my friend. Lesson learned!
So I’ve been listening to Storms for the past like 2 hours or whatever and I’ve decided that I really love the song I Won’t Let You Go (Darling). It’s so pretty. I’m still preferring all the other Hedley albums to this one though. But I really enjoy that the theme of storms is present throughout the entire album – lyrically and musically. There’s all storms of references to storms and ships and weathering, and then there’s like thunder in the background of some songs. It’s great. I approve.