On Friends

Here’s the thing. It’s not always that I procrastinate and wait until the the last 10 minutes before midnight to update this thing. Sometimes I have genuinely great ideas throughout the day, but they simply seem to want to grow wings and fly out of my head and not return in time for me to write them down and discuss them on the blog. It’s really a problem. I should start carrying around a notepad with me.

That said, I love making new friends that are actually like good conversationalists and good friends, you know? I’ve been doing group webcamming every night with a few of my online friends that I’ve known for a while from a forum I frequent, and one of the girls and I have have really hit it off recently. I’ve always been intimidated by her (as well as highly amused cause she’s fucking hilarious) but we’ve begun to find that we get along quite well. We’ve even exchanged phone numbers and have been texting throughout the day.

The funniest part is that all my closest friends – I have either been scared of them or really annoyed by them before we were friends. It’s an interesting and strange trend in my life.

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How I Made Getting Hit On an Awkward Experience: A Short Memoir

Last night, I went out with my friends to celebrate one of their birthdays and stayed long enough past the dinner to hit up the first hot and sweaty bar and drink a $5 glass of Angry Orchard. (It was so damn good.) Halfway through my glass and a little while after we snatched a table with chairs, I was peering around the visible vicinity, people watching and absorbing the general attractiveness of the males near me. I made eye contact with a tall guy in a blue shirt and snapback hat who was directly behind me earlier taking pictures with his friends, one of which was wearing a lime green shirt and nearly white khaki shorts.

A little time went by, my friends were getting drunker and rowdier, singing and dancing and laughing. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and when I turned and looked up, the tall guy in the blue shirt was standing bent over next to me. The following dialogue is how I remember our conversation going, to the best of my memory:

Guy: Hey how are you, I’m (forgot his name), what’s your name? *starts shaking my hand*
Me: Hi! I’m good, my name’s Viviana.
Guy: Mariana?
Me: Hahaha no, Vi-vi-a-na, like Vivian but with an “a” at the end.
Guy: Oh okay, that’s a pretty name Viviana, nice to meet you.
Me: *smiling, laughing* Thanks! Nice to meet you too.
Guy: So uh, are you two crazy girls? *gestures toward Krista* You seem pretty crazy.
Me: Are we crazy? Hahaha, I mean, she’s pretty drunk right now, so she’s a little wild.
Guy: Hahaha yeaaah, I see that. *Krista sings and dances* So listen, uh, I really wanted to talk to you and say hi, but uh, you know, maybe away from your friends… *gestures behind himself*
Me: Hahaha, um, alright…
Guy: So, do you wanna…
Me: *nervous laugh* ummm…
Guy: Oh hey! This is my buddy (forgot his name too, lime green shirt guy) he uh, hahaha, he wanted to say hi too.
Lime Shirt: *fidgets* no, hahaha, dude, it’s…
Me: Hey, how are you, nice to meet you *shakes hand*
Lime Shirt: *fidgets more, nervous/reluctant smile* I’m good, I’m good, hahaha
Me: Alright, hahaha that’s good.
Guy: So uh, yeah… I just wanted to come say hi…
Me: Hahaha, alright, um, well, thank you!
Guy: Yeah! No problem hahaha, uh… Hi! *waves and backs away*
Me: *laughs, waves back* Hi!
*end conversation*

Me: Did I just get hit on or did we both get hit on?
Krista: *sings, somewhat looking at me*
Me: Omg, I made that so awkward, he said hi and I said thank you and he walked away!
Krista: You’re supposed to continue talking to them. He wasn’t that hot anyway. It’s the hot ones you gotta watch out for when they come up to you and deal a line cause you gotta think like, how many other girls have you done this to, cause you sound like a pro.
Me: Yeah…
*end conversation*

And that’s the story of how I turned a rare occurrence of an attractive tall gentlemen of my age group hitting on me into an awkward situation. It’s not the first time, and it unfortunately probably won’t be the last either. However, I generally grab the attention of older gentlemen, especially those of the Arabic and African American communities, so making it awkward usually works in my favor rather than against it.

I wish I could be like a normal person and let this go, but it’s the last thought I went to bed with, and the first I woke up to. It’s not really that I wanted to get in his pants and wake up in some strange bed regretting bad drunk decisions. It’s more the fact that my lack of being hit on / dating / relationships in my youth has left me unprepared for when these instances actually happen nowadays. I freeze up and no matter how much I tell myself to be open to strangers talking to me in suggestive manners, I still seem to put out a “back off” attitude without really meaning to.

In fact, I have been told before that that is part of the reason as to why I’ve been unsuccessful in my love life. I’ve been the independent, don’t need no man cause I can do it myself girl, and it’s apparently intimidating. It’s a very thick wall I’ve built and I need to learn to take it down, because as much as I am still a strong willed independently thinking young lady, I also crave the affections of someone who cares enough to break down my barriers and accept me for who I am. (Isn’t that what we all want?)

I guess the moral of the story is that I still have a long ways to go and I must learn to grow from my mistakes. Maybe it’s okay to make things awkward. It takes guts to talk to strangers, and I honestly appreciate every guy (and lesbian) who’s had them and used them on me. Hopefully more will have them and I’ll become more accustomed and less awkward. But in the meantime, please feel free to laugh with me at my pain.

I Embarrass Myself

I’m somewhat surprisingly really tired at the moment.

It’s been a great weekend full of events and people and places. Last night I attended a bachelorette party that consisted of bar hopping, booze, and before and after – wrestlers boys.

It also consisted of me exhibiting an embarrassing Freudian slip. A local DJ was part of the bachelor party brigade and when he arrived, he immediately introduced himself at the door and my reaction was to gasp incredibly loudly and throw my left hand in the air – it was an insane enough reaction that Alyza swatted my arm down and told me to settle down. It got worse though. He walked over, introduced himself again, to me personally, and I said that we are Facebook friends as if he knew who I was already. *shakes head* I feel all kinds of first, second, third-hand etc embarrassment for myself.

Prior to that portion of my day/night, I attended a sketching group event with a handful of gamer friends and we sat around at a local coffee shop and sketched for ~4 hours. It was a lot of fun actually. Really reminded me how much I love traditional art and how much I need to get back into it.

Lastly, the weather forecast for the upcoming week looks GLORIOUS and I am SO excited for some upcoming 80 degrees. I bought a new pair of shorts today and everything. ;)

Last Night, I Got Really Drunk

So last night was maybe not one of the best nights of my life, but it was most certainly one of the best nights I’ve had in a really really really long time.

A group of us from my high school graduating class went out drinking in Downtown Royal Oak and we all got a little plastered, myself included. I’m a really cheap date though, so I was drunk by drink 3 and super happy by drink 4. And then I had a whiskey shot and I was in La-La fucking Land, because apparently it doesn’t really matter what alcohol I’m drinking, I’m always a really happy drunk.

This was followed by a lemon drop shot and another whiskey shot. I can’t remember if I drank anything else after that – I don’t think I did. But I did spill a whole glass of iced water on myself and one of the guys who I’ve had a mini crush on for ages drunkenly blew on my legs in a rather humorous attempt to dry me off.

I’m really fucking drunk here.

All in all, it was really nice to catch up with the few people that showed up. (That guy mentioned a statistic that said something about after your graduate you only really see about 10% of those people after.) And alcohol really is a very nice social lubricant. Were it not for the fact that we were all pretty drunk by the time me and Krista left, I’m pretty sure we all wouldn’t have been so friendly and happy to each other. But it’s nice. We hugged people we hadn’t hugged before and left feeling good that we decided to go.

The funny thing is my horoscope for today seems to be in line with this:

“The cosmos is empowering you now with the ability to look at your world and your life in a new way. You are granted a brief period of time in which you can evolve to that point. This glimpse into the possibility of complete immersion in the present will hopefully alter your outlook on all of life, and will enable you to reach for more for yourself and for those you love. Once you see that it’s possible, keep at it, Moonchild. Christmas may be over, but you may want to consider this gift from the universe a Christmas miracle.”

I read that and thought if this means I should go out and drink and be social more, I’m okay with that. As long as I’m not spending all my money, cause drinking out is expensive.

I’m Not Allowed to Enjoy My Fucking Life

Day 23: Scarf

Today was my first real day of “relaxing” so I basically did nothing. And by nothing I mean I sat around watching shit on Netflix for hours, writing, ALMOST started coloring in my new coloring books, and enjoyed being by myself for most of the day.

Of course, then my mom came home and bitched that I didn’t do anything and I was like are you fucking kidding me? You expect me to fucking do shit when I have no obligations to do anything? Fuuuuuck that. I WILL act like a guest in this house. I am on BREAK, bitch. I seriously don’t give a fuck!

Seriously though, I’m beginning to understand why people don’t like the holidays because it means family time. Like, I love my family. But holy shit, everyone’s home right now and all I want to fucking do is beat the shit out of them individually. Like, I just want to sit here and think and breathe by myself. Can you get the fuck out of my space? Literally how I feel right now. I can’t wait to be able to afford to live by myself. I’m going to relish in the solidarity and not having anyone badger me about anything or yell at me for not washing some stupid dishes or whatever other bullshit.

Anyway, I don’t have a picture of a scarf. But I do have a picture of a few of my friends at my End of the World Christmas Crafting Extravaganza Party this year!

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I love these people. It’s always nice to see friends after not seeing them for a year.

Frank 2.0

Day 4. 

Today I am grateful that I feel the aches of physical pain because it means that I’m alive. I’m also grateful that I feel emotional pain because it means I still have my humanity.

I’ve thought long and hard about Frank all day (I also ran into him again today at the gym!) and what he said to me about his out of body experience – that if God let him come back to Earth, he was not allowed to help alter anyone’s life. I think this must be the reason we met.

I have a friend who is extremely unhappy – like legitmately suicidal unhappy. It is in my instincts to help people as much as I can and he is a case that I won’t give up on. I think meeting Frank is a sign from God or the universe or what have you that despite my efforts, I cannot change him. And I know that. All I can do is help him to see the change he can be.

But God, if I could, I would take away all his pain and misery and replace it with all the joy and happiness in the world because he deserves it. But I can’t do that. No one can change another person. All we can do is try to infuse our positive thoughts so that they may help themselves.

 

A couple weeks ago, Mini Boss and I were having some in-depth discussion about I don’t know what and she said “you know, I truly believe God helps those who help themselves.” And I sat there nodding, absorbing the sentiment of that statement. I think she’s right. Whatever forces are out there, I find that they are stronger when one has the willingness and positivity and state of mind to help oneself get to whatever point one wants to be at.

That’s the first step. Learning to be in a more positive state of mind. It’s hard, believe me, I know. But it’s possible. I just wish I could just plug my state of mind into others’ like a plug into a socket.

30 Days of Gratefulness

Soooo…

One of my favorite college teachers who left to go be awesome at Saks Fifth Avenue is doing a 30 day challenge this month where each day she names something she is grateful for. Apparently it’s an annual occurrence entitled the Month of Gratitude. And I was like damn. I like 30 day challenges. This sounds like a good 30 day challenge.

So I decided I should do this 30 day challenge because it would give me an excuse to continue this 365 project. Like, maybe I’ll do a year’s worth of 30 day challenges this year. Maybe. I don’t know. We’ll see how this goes.

Anyway, day 1.

Today I’m thankful for the fact that I’m privileged enough to have a roof over my head and food in my fridge and parents who care about my well being. And a shower. I’m so grateful that I have a shower. I’m also extremely thankful for having absolutely amazing friends who do amazing things for me.