Confidence

I really enjoy getting psychic/intuitive readings. I find that getting someone else’s perspective on things is exactly the thing that I need sometimes to help me see things from a different perspective, and give me a nice little kick in the butt.

That said, I chose to get one spur of the moment earlier this week and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Among the common threads that linked all my issues together was needing to feel confident in myself and my abilities. I have not been feeling appropriately confident and this has held me back. I know what I am capable of, I know what I can achieve and I know I have talents. But lately I’ve been questioning all of that, and have internalized it all as well. I know this hasn’t done me any good. What good is worrying anyway? I must remind myself of one of my favorite pieces of advice:
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t take you anywhere.

In that I must find my strength. And in action. I know that standing still won’t help me move forward, and I need to conjure up the courage to face my problems with my chin up and my smile on.

I’ve always found that when I feel good about myself, I look good in the mirror as well. When I feel down on myself, I look terrible. I find flaws, more reasons to hate this part of me, that part. Both positive mind sets and negative ones are miraculous in their own ways. While a positive one can make you see the greenest parts of life, a negative one can make you forget them, and in that they are both powerful. But a negative mind set never got anyone anything worth while, and I’m not about wasting any more of my time feeling sorry for myself, wishing I’d done this or that, or any other shit.

There is no one in this world that is better at piecing us together than ourselves. We tear ourselves apart, and we build ourselves back up. It’s a learning process. And I am currently learning to be more confident. To trust myself more. To know that I have worth and I need to project that part of me.

I have been told numerous times that when you are confident in yourself, others will see you as such as well. I think that’s true of all characteristics and emotions. And as such, I think it’s not only good, but vital, that we project ourselves as positive, open-minded, kind, and confident. No one likes to hang around a debby downer. It’s like sticking a cord in a socket that sucks all the energy out.

I know I can’t change overnight. I don’t expect to. Everything takes time and time heals all wounds. My goal for now is to remain centered and focused on myself. I need to reign in my energy and build up my confidence so I can project that and communicate to people that I am open, I am available, and I am approachable.

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Externals

Today’s post comes with this quote in mind, which I mentioned in an earlier post while I was watching season 2 of Borgia:

If you are plagued by externals, it is not they who trouble you, but the importance you give them. (Marcus Aurelius)

I believe in this phrase so immensely, I repeat it to myself constantly, so that I don’t forget it and that I heed it’s message as much as I can. There are aggravations in my life right now caused by people who are not on my good side, but you know what, it’s exactly how this quote says – it’s not really them who are bothering me, but rather the importance I’m giving them.

And so, I have been practicing not giving a fuck anymore about what people say about me or to me if it is destructive or negative because it doesn’t matter. Let them have their opinions. Let them seethe in their negativity. I will not add fuel to their fire. I am nobody’s whipping girl.

Acknowledgement.

I have a philosophy on life that goes like this: to acknowledge is to ignite the fire that yearns to burn. 

I often try to remind myself of this, in various phrasings, as a mantra to help me stay positive. Sometimes I slip, like any human does. Getting back to work this weekend has been one of those times. The longer I work in retail, the more I find myself beginning to dislike, to hate, to loathe people. I find myself spilling out negative energy, and it’s like I can actually feel it pouring out of me. Like it’s some kind of sentient cloud surrounding my body. And I hate it.

And I hate that I let myself absorb the negative energy from people. And I hate that I dwell on it. And I hate that it consumes me. 

Today my horoscope suggested I start meditating as a way to center myself. I’ve actually considered doing that for a long time, so it was kind of a nice prod in the back. The last time I seriously meditated was pretty wonderful and I felt much better after doing it. I remember being in a sort of trance, like when I’ve been under hypnosis, and not being entirely sure if I was in a trance or not.

The only way forward is to think positively, to smile through the pain, to push out the negativity. To pull it off my body like spiderwebs clinging to every inch of me. I refuse to be pulled down by other people’s energies! I am not fit to harbor negativity.

Keep Karma and Carry Om

Tonight I want to talk a little philosophically about karma and the energy you put out. Let me preface this by telling you all a story of what I experienced before lunch. This girl asked me to help this lady who often comes up to the library with a very bad attitude, with a computer problem she was having. First of all, it’s not my job to help with that since I don’t work in IT, but whatever – I try to help out if it’s something minor, and it was, it was just a printing problem.

She was huffing and puffing about having to print something 4 times cause the first three times the paper fucked up as well as the way the type came out and she forgot to put her name on her shit. I had her print again and it came out fine. She seemed worried that it’s eating her printing money and I said it’s only like 30 cents (60 for the 4 pages she printed) and she gets $50.00 every term. Unless you’re printing books on some other crazy shit, you’re really not gonna blow through all that fucking money by printing 4 goddamn pages. Well, as soon as I mentioned that it was ONLY 30 cents she got super offended and rearing her bad attitude monster, bitching at me that in my world 30 cents isn’t a lot. And I said no, in my world and everyone else’s worlds 30 cents is nothing when you have fifty fucking dollars a term to print shit. I told her I had $30 left and it’s almost end of term. She just kept going on and on about how I was audacious to say that 30 cents is nothing (in less articulate words, mind you).

I just walked away and signed out and then cried like a damn child in J1B’s cubicle for half an hour. I mean like a DAMN CHILD – I kept crying and stopping and crying and stopping. At one point I thought I might choke on my sandwich cause I was starting to cry again. I was already feeling stupidly emotional before she got all cunty with me. She was the icing on top of an emotional cake. And so, in terms of karma I want to say this: I try my best not to wish bad things on people because I don’t want bad things to happen to me (karmic cycle here, people) however, if you’re a fucking bitch all the time, and especially to people who are trying to help you out, then you deserve every single motherfucking bad thing that comes your way because you’re putting out that energy.

I wholeheartedly believe in karma, and so I believe she’ll get what she deserves. But it is not okay to subject other people to your negativity. Now, I am a hypocrite in this because I have done that before – HOWEVER, I acknowledge it and desperately try not to do that because it’s destructive to not only the people who get the fire, but to my own being. And I don’t want to live that way. 

That said, at the very end of my work day, HNI popped up out of the abyss again and I can’t even begin to tell you guys how happy that made me, especially after what happened today. And if you’re reading this right now here’s a huge thank you and the biggest virtual hug I can give you. You didn’t do anything except show up and I can’t even begin to explain how much that brightened my day. Here’s another lesson for today guys: Be someone others will swell with happiness to see. You never know how much you mean to a person!