Fear: Rejection.

I should start keeping a mini notepad with me at all times so I can write down the ideas that come to me throughout the day of what I should talk about here cause I always forget when the time comes to write. I know I had specific ideas while I was at work, but I’ve forgotten them.

Instead, I will brood some more on my lack of a love life. The other day I watched a video from Dr. Carmen Harra about ‘the secret to perfect relationships‘. Let me preface this by saying that when I had that whole drama-llama shit about the memes 2 weeks ago, I remember getting on Facebook and BAM that video was IN MY FACE and I thought how fitting, God or whoever plays these things like this, to shove an answer in my face at such a time. I didn’t watch it then but kept it in the back of my mind.

Anyway, in this video she explains things that I think we all subconsciously know but refuse to acknowledge in the conscious level of existence. In order to maintain good relationships one must first switch off fear and defensiveness, and turn on self-awareness, patience, and tolerance. Now, I’m not going to go into detail about all these points because it’s easier to just watch the video, but I will draw a conclusion on fear. In the video she says when you’re afraid of something, you draw in exactly that which you fear into your life.

She says you can eradicate your fear with a little bit of introspection: ask yourself what you’re afraid and why you’re afraid of it. Where did it come from? So I did just that. In terms of my love life I determined that I’m afraid of rejection because I’ve been through nothing but rejection all my life. I’ve been broken-hearted and left to pick up the pieces so many times, I’ve lost count. Literally. I’m sick of going through that and I want to throw my towel up but I can’t because I still have hope right now. It’s a flickering flame and it’s been rooted in me since last summer.

Furthermore, if the law of attraction holds true then is my desire to attract someone (in particular)…stronger…because I want it so much? I go back and forth on this often, and I know in order to truly see any kind of positive result I should let go of the fear and doubt that it couldn’t or won’t happen as I want it to. I know that clouds the possibility of it really happening, but I also know that it hurts to have your hopes shattered. I’ve had all kinds of grieving processes in the past from a broken heart. Some of them were like ripping band-aids off – quick and only mildly painful. Others have been really rough and sometimes I still feel that achey heart feeling thinking about them. I don’t want to go through that again. Part of it feels like I might. The other part of me hopes the complete opposite. 

And it’s moments like this that make me hyper-excited to get my ‘fortune told‘. I should’ve asked that psychic last summer more in-depth questions about my love life. Not sure if I ever mentioned it, but she told me I’d be married within the next 3 to 4 years and I would have 2 kids. It still blows my mind.

P.S. It’s rather difficult to write posts of this nature sometimes without mentioning names or clues about who they might be referring to. But I think I beat around the bush well enough…Even though I kind of don’t want to, like, at all. Why are we humans so lame like that?

ETA: I found this on Tumblr earlier today and wanted to share it. Highly, HIGHLY relevant, because freaking YES PLEASE.


Last night, my mom and I watched this text-based documentary on Youtube called New America 3. It basically talked about the coming collapse of our banking system and the US dollar, and how it’s already happening and how most people probably won’t and don’t believe it is/will happen, but it is and will continue. This immediately reminded me of a prediction that metaphysical psychologist Carmen Harra has made numerous times that is basically the same thing – that our banking system is going to collapse.

I know this sounds scary, and it is for so many reasons, but interestingly, I’m not as bothered by this as I should be. Or perhaps my mom is. The reason I’m even writing about it at all is because we were talking about it earlier and she was freaking out the way I do when I get paranoid about health related problems. She said she’s been having nightmares in relation to catastrophes and I was like listen dude, you need to calm yo tits. I keep telling her that there’s really nothing she can do, so stop worrying about it. She expressed that in the event that she loses her job, she won’t know what to do. I told her what I tell anyone who’s trying to figure out what to do with their lives: Get creative and do what you love. My personal philosophy is that wealth will come when you are doing what you love and you are happy.

Anyway, on a brighter note: I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 today and didn’t cry! I usually bawl my eyes out when Harry and Hermione are dancing in the tent after Ron leaves, and when Dobby dies. But I guess I wasn’t as emotionally invested in this watching of the movie.

Also, last night while Stumbling, I StumbleUponed this video:

I tried out her method last night and even though my hair was already naturally curled, it did a very nice job of creating the same soft curls she ends up with in the video. To see how to do the sock bun, check out this video.

Lastly, I tried making macaroons today. They turned out to be failaroons. But my parents ate them all!

ETA: New Girl was fucking hilarious tonight. I laughed out lot a lot. I want to friends with Schmidt.