Changes

I feel like I’m kind of at a crossroads in my life. Maybe. I think.

There are times when I don’t know what I want to do anymore. But the fire within me for being a fashion designer still burns, and I still feel the same about it: my ultimate goal is to make people happy through clothes.

However, I’m having a hard time finding a way into the industry and getting myself known and showing off my abilities. But I live in Michigan. And the metro Detroit area to boot. We are starters here. What we don’t have, we make. My problem is not so much the making of goods, but rather the providing of services. I don’t know where to begin to get my product out, besides like Etsy, where the competition is so thick, I get lost in the throng.

I need immediate turnover. I need people to see my stuff and say yes, I want this now. I want this today. Not add it to some wishlist or favorites group for a maybe later. This is the biggest challenge for me. Is getting a footing and establishing myself. But I guess before I do that I need to figure out exactly what my niche is going to be. I seem to really be drawn to making jewelry. And taking photos. I haven’t properly sketched clothes since college to be honest, and that’s a problem. I don’t enjoy the computer aided design aspect of it at all and I’ll be the first to admit to it. I loathe the Gerber program and while Illustrator flats can be okay to do sometimes, I generally find the practice tedious and annoying. I am not a technical designer by any stretch.

But I like coming up with concepts and ideas and little details. I like making color palettes and organizing things and looking at things from different angles to better understand them. Nonetheless, I still feel lost. I know what I’m good at, but I tend to forget and think of myself as not being good at anything worth while. And then it’s a whole whirlwind of “BUT HOW WILL I SUPPORT MYSELF IF I CAN’T DO X AND Y!?” It’s a tumultuous mental journey that I’ve been having far too often lately and I need to figure out a way to get out of it. Like, asap.

On the bright side, I have faith things will turn around. They always do. There is an ending to every journey, so new ones may begin. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but I do know it will change. Everything always changes.

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To the Psychic Last Summer

Dear Deborah,

I suppose I should start this off by saying first and foremost: I believed you and I still believe you and I’ll probably continue to believe you. You seemed like a genuinely awesome and honest person last July when we met and you told me the general future happenings of my life. In one year, I can say that your prediction of my weight loss (though not timed correctly, but close enough and that’s perfectly okay) has come true. But maybe it’s because I’m impatient to see what else comes true that I haven’t realized or seen anything else come true yet. Although honestly, I’m pretty sure what you told me was much more ahead in my future than I’m allowing myself to recognize for the moment, in which case, I really have no room to complain.

Except, the whole marriage business. One of most poignant things I remember you saying was that I will apparently be married within 3-4 years. That’s more like 2-3 years now, if we keep our fingers crossed and hope this turns out the way you said. Last year when you told me this, I was completely off in la-la-land wondering who on earth I could possibly be marrying in such a short time.

Now I’m sitting here hoping and praying it’ll end up being who I think I could be and driving myself crazy trying to figure out if the reciprocation I’m getting is actual, carnal reciprocation, or if I’m imagining it to be so because I want it so bad. And I get urges to come and visit you and ask you this, but I never do. So I sit and ponder whether or not wanting something bad enough and visualizing it happening can make it come true. Yet, you told me not to worry about love because it will come, and that’s the worse part of this. I’m not heeding your advice very well, but I’ve desperately been trying lately.

And then there was that whole offspring business that I asked about at the very end. When you saw my face after you told me I’ll have two, it was truly amusing. While this tidbit has crossed my mind numerous times within the last year, so has the fact that you said I still have free will to choose about that. But you said for now that’s what you see as the more definite path I’ll be treading. And that still scares me, yet at the same time I’ve found myself driving or swimming or doing other idle things and thinking of my future children and naming them. Anna Maria keeps popping up. I don’t know why. That name is always on the tip of my tongue. I don’t know about the second one though, I’m still trying to cope with the idea of popping any children out, much less TWO. This is also the part where you mentioned the whole marriage and 3 to 4 years thing. I remember you saying “oh don’t worry, you’ll be married then. I can see a ring on your finger,” and I hyperventilated, about the kids part.

The other big portion I remember was the career side. Whenever I start freaking out about graduating in a year, I try to remember what you told me about this. I remember you saying not to worry about it, especially the financial part because you said “money will come” (a mantra I’ve adopted) and you put extra emphasis on this bit. I also remember you saying, and this was the best part, that I will be successful in everything I do.

I remember telling you about that Tarot reading I got at the RenFest that one year and how I pulled out the “Happily Ever After” card and told you it basically signified I’ll be getting everything I’ve ever wanted and all will be well and you said yup, that’s exactly it. And my heart fluttered.┬áThere were other things you told me about my career path that I’m pretty excited to see coming to fruition in time. Like who’ll be flanking me, as you put it.

Lastly, in the beginning of the reading you told me you see that I am a very spiritual person and that I have a very powerful tendency to manifest anything I want, and that people are drawn to my energy. Every now and again I remember this part and I think to myself, you know…that is a very accurate observation. I very often do get/manifest what I want, and in terms of love (which has been plaguing my mind for FAR TOO LONG) it gives me hope that if I keep pushing on and hoping and praying and focusing my mind on what exactly I want out of it, then maybe, just maybe, for once in my life all that energy will not go to waste in the form of another broken heart and pieces to collect, but rather manifest in to what I want it to be.

I guess what I’m trying to say via this rather large retelling of last July’s reading is that:
1. I’m impatient and wish I could see these things come to be already.
2. You reignited the little flame in my heart about not being alone and single the rest of my life.
3. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for a wonderful reading. I often re-read the diary entry where I recorded most of what you said.

Love,
A believer in the coming future, except those kids. I don’t know about those kids.