Confidence

I really enjoy getting psychic/intuitive readings. I find that getting someone else’s perspective on things is exactly the thing that I need sometimes to help me see things from a different perspective, and give me a nice little kick in the butt.

That said, I chose to get one spur of the moment earlier this week and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Among the common threads that linked all my issues together was needing to feel confident in myself and my abilities. I have not been feeling appropriately confident and this has held me back. I know what I am capable of, I know what I can achieve and I know I have talents. But lately I’ve been questioning all of that, and have internalized it all as well. I know this hasn’t done me any good. What good is worrying anyway? I must remind myself of one of my favorite pieces of advice:
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t take you anywhere.

In that I must find my strength. And in action. I know that standing still won’t help me move forward, and I need to conjure up the courage to face my problems with my chin up and my smile on.

I’ve always found that when I feel good about myself, I look good in the mirror as well. When I feel down on myself, I look terrible. I find flaws, more reasons to hate this part of me, that part. Both positive mind sets and negative ones are miraculous in their own ways. While a positive one can make you see the greenest parts of life, a negative one can make you forget them, and in that they are both powerful. But a negative mind set never got anyone anything worth while, and I’m not about wasting any more of my time feeling sorry for myself, wishing I’d done this or that, or any other shit.

There is no one in this world that is better at piecing us together than ourselves. We tear ourselves apart, and we build ourselves back up. It’s a learning process. And I am currently learning to be more confident. To trust myself more. To know that I have worth and I need to project that part of me.

I have been told numerous times that when you are confident in yourself, others will see you as such as well. I think that’s true of all characteristics and emotions. And as such, I think it’s not only good, but vital, that we project ourselves as positive, open-minded, kind, and confident. No one likes to hang around a debby downer. It’s like sticking a cord in a socket that sucks all the energy out.

I know I can’t change overnight. I don’t expect to. Everything takes time and time heals all wounds. My goal for now is to remain centered and focused on myself. I need to reign in my energy and build up my confidence so I can project that and communicate to people that I am open, I am available, and I am approachable.

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Answers

Today I went to church looking for answers to all the stress and anxiety and negative feelings I’ve been feeling lately. I was in a very good mood for about 10 minutes after I woke up while I was getting dressed. Then I went and asked my dad if I could take my mom’s car since hers was in the way and he rather rudely told me no and I should take my car. SOOOOO, I was going to just put her car in the street, as it was the most logical and easiest option (my car is always in the garage) and my dad followed me out and said he’d put HIS car in the street and then I could just move my mom’s car in his spot. Honestly this pissed me off even more. He didn’t have to get up from napping because it literally would’ve been so fucking easy to just put my mom’s car in the street instead of moving two cars. Just. Fucking ridiculous.

So I got myself to church. I rushed. There was no reason to, as always, as the whole standing up sitting down making crosses over oneself thing was still happening for a solid 20 minutes after I arrived at like 11:10. As I said, I went searching for answers. I got none. I couldn’t quite hear what the pope was saying (as usual) and the guys in the foyer where they sell candles were being loud as fuck and talking and banging shit around. It only aggravated me more. However, I did notice while trying to recount how many times Jesus is painted on the walls (18 last time I remember) that the painting of him that is right above your head as you walk into the church – he has a triangle (pyramidal if it were 3D) halo around his head. It’s the only one like that. I found that highly interesting and spent quite a bit of time pondering why only that painting was done like that and why it was done like that at all. 3 is a very powerful number, that’s for sure. I have a multitude of theories about it, but I’m not going to expound.

So while I didn’t get what I wanted in church, after hitting up Meijer, I decided I’d go to Ferndale to the Boston Tea Room because it’s always calming in there and I generally feel at peace. I was hoping I’d find some new stones to add to my growing collection. Instead I found a pair of sterling silver bee earring studs (for only $6.25!) that I attempted to use as nose studs but found the gauge to be too big. I also decided to buy Buddhist mala prayer beads made of cherry quartz. So in a way, I did add new stones to my collection. I’m still a bit bummed I didn’t pick up the ombre citrine set while they still had it. I’m half tempted to go back and get the lavender jade set, but I need to be conserving my money, once again. This was a spiritual thing. I bought them to find peace. I don’t need more. ¬†Although I will probably get more in the future, I’m sure. In a way, I made my answers today.

I still feel discord and I’m trying not to let it get to me. Inner peace and tranquility brings forth outer peace and positive energy. You are what you think. Etc etc.

Why Does Every Psychic Tell Me I’m Going Have Kids?

So I got a psychic reading today.

Every time I go to downtown Ferndale, I visit the Boston Tea Room to see what new crystals and jewelry they have. I ended up getting a piece of blue sunstone and a rose quartz point. Then I decided to cash in one of my $5 off a half hour reading coupons.

It was an pretty good and interesting reading. For whatever reason, the part that I keep remembering is when she was reading my palm and asked me if I was planning on/wanted kids. I said no. And she said “well I see one here” and laughed.

Maybe it’s the fact that I keep denying the possibility that I will pop babies out that makes that the most poignant thing whenever I get psychic readings. On my drive home, I wondered to myself whether I should maybe just accept the fact that it could/will happen instead of fighting it? AND THEN I STARTED NAMING POSSIBLE FUTURE CHILD.

That’s where I feel like it could happen. When I allow myself to start giving this possibility a name. I feel like I lose control over the situation through that. But then, if that’s true, then I lost control 2 two years ago. Did I ever really have control anyway? Probably not. We like to lull ourselves into thinking we have control over our lives, but there are so many other factors.

Anyway, it’s time to go to see Iron Man 3. Peace out homies.

To the Psychic Last Summer

Dear Deborah,

I suppose I should start this off by saying first and foremost: I believed you and I still believe you and I’ll probably continue to believe you. You seemed like a genuinely awesome and honest person last July when we met and you told me the general future happenings of my life. In one year, I can say that your prediction of my weight loss (though not timed correctly, but close enough and that’s perfectly okay) has come true. But maybe it’s because I’m impatient to see what else comes true that I haven’t realized or seen anything else come true yet. Although honestly, I’m pretty sure what you told me was much more ahead in my future than I’m allowing myself to recognize for the moment, in which case, I really have no room to complain.

Except, the whole marriage business. One of most poignant things I remember you saying was that I will apparently be married within 3-4 years. That’s more like 2-3 years now, if we keep our fingers crossed and hope this turns out the way you said. Last year when you told me this, I was completely off in la-la-land wondering who on earth I could possibly be marrying in such a short time.

Now I’m sitting here hoping and praying it’ll end up being who I think I could be and driving myself crazy trying to figure out if the reciprocation I’m getting is actual, carnal reciprocation, or if I’m imagining it to be so because I want it so bad. And I get urges to come and visit you and ask you this, but I never do. So I sit and ponder whether or not wanting something bad enough and visualizing it happening can make it come true. Yet, you told me not to worry about love because it will come, and that’s the worse part of this. I’m not heeding your advice very well, but I’ve desperately been trying lately.

And then there was that whole offspring business that I asked about at the very end. When you saw my face after you told me I’ll have two, it was truly amusing. While this tidbit has crossed my mind numerous times within the last year, so has the fact that you said I still have free will to choose about that. But you said for now that’s what you see as the more definite path I’ll be treading. And that still scares me, yet at the same time I’ve found myself driving or swimming or doing other idle things and thinking of my future children and naming them. Anna Maria keeps popping up. I don’t know why. That name is always on the tip of my tongue. I don’t know about the second one though, I’m still trying to cope with the idea of popping any children out, much less TWO. This is also the part where you mentioned the whole marriage and 3 to 4 years thing. I remember you saying “oh don’t worry, you’ll be married then. I can see a ring on your finger,” and I hyperventilated, about the kids part.

The other big portion I remember was the career side. Whenever I start freaking out about graduating in a year, I try to remember what you told me about this. I remember you saying not to worry about it, especially the financial part because you said “money will come” (a mantra I’ve adopted) and you put extra emphasis on this bit. I also remember you saying, and this was the best part, that I will be successful in everything I do.

I remember telling you about that Tarot reading I got at the RenFest that one year and how I pulled out the “Happily Ever After” card and told you it basically signified I’ll be getting everything I’ve ever wanted and all will be well and you said yup, that’s exactly it. And my heart fluttered.¬†There were other things you told me about my career path that I’m pretty excited to see coming to fruition in time. Like who’ll be flanking me, as you put it.

Lastly, in the beginning of the reading you told me you see that I am a very spiritual person and that I have a very powerful tendency to manifest anything I want, and that people are drawn to my energy. Every now and again I remember this part and I think to myself, you know…that is a very accurate observation. I very often do get/manifest what I want, and in terms of love (which has been plaguing my mind for FAR TOO LONG) it gives me hope that if I keep pushing on and hoping and praying and focusing my mind on what exactly I want out of it, then maybe, just maybe, for once in my life all that energy will not go to waste in the form of another broken heart and pieces to collect, but rather manifest in to what I want it to be.

I guess what I’m trying to say via this rather large retelling of last July’s reading is that:
1. I’m impatient and wish I could see these things come to be already.
2. You reignited the little flame in my heart about not being alone and single the rest of my life.
3. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for a wonderful reading. I often re-read the diary entry where I recorded most of what you said.

Love,
A believer in the coming future, except those kids. I don’t know about those kids.