I’m Okay, I Am.

I feel like I’ve definitely been neglecting this blog and I’m not exactly okay with that.

I’ve been super busy with work for the past 2 weeks though, since it’s the holiday season and retail be crazy as fuck. I’ve made a plethora of sales though, and a few of them have been on the higher end, so that makes me happy. I’ve always got a great pile of gifts under my tree for my family, which for whatever reason also fills me with happiness.

My mom is still driving my absolutely crazy. She has these moments when it’s like she transforms into this ultra dragon-lady cunt and I’m like what the actual fuck is wrong with you and why the fuck are you yelling me? It’s so aggravating. I need to the get fuck out of this goddamn house before she gets worse because I cannot handle these bipolar attitude swings. Last night she called me to ask where she should park her car and I said to park it wherever the heck she wants. Next thing I know she’s yelling at me for having an attitude and I’m like – what? I did not have an attitude but I WILL have an attitude if you tell me I have one when I don’t. That shit really pisses me off.

Earlier she was doing something in my kitchen and started harping about how the drying dish sink is disorganized and you can’t place things in it correctly. I just wanted to smack her and tell her to go the fuck to bed already. I used to look forward to days when she was off from work, but now I find myself wishing she would work even more because she just pisses me off.

I’m at a weird point in my life right now. I can feel it’s like some kind of crossroad. I know I’m nearing a time when I need to start establishing my own roots (and moving the fuck out of this goddamn house) and sever the coddling umbilical cord between myself and my parental household. But I don’t have the funds (yet) to do so and do so in a “safe” way. And by safe, I mean in a way that will allow me to not come back because I can’t support myself.

It’s really distressing and I’m trying my very best to keep a positive attitude and mindset about everything. I’ve felt attacked by negative thoughts and attitudes and people lately and it feels like poison coursing through my veins and I absolutely fucking hate every minute of it.

*breathes in*

Happy holidays!

From Ugly to Hot

I read an “article” today on Thought Catalog that was a compilation of people telling their stories of going from “ugly to hot” which really meant losing weight and how society treated them differently based on their weight loss.

The fourth story down made me cry.

I have experienced these exact situations and I totally understand where these people are coming from. It’s disheartening in a way, to see how shallow people really are. But it’s real and it happens and we have to deal with it. People are more willing to want to get to know someone if they are “aesthetically pleasing” in accordance to the current societal views of what aesthetically pleasing is.

I’ve gone through the phase of saying “if you didn’t give me the time of day when I was fatter, why should I give YOU the time of day now that you think I’m worth yours?” But the truth is that, again, people are shallow. I am in fact a shallow person myself, I’ll admit it. It’s just something we have to learn to live with, I guess, and work on recognizing it and improving our attitudes.