Confidence

I really enjoy getting psychic/intuitive readings. I find that getting someone else’s perspective on things is exactly the thing that I need sometimes to help me see things from a different perspective, and give me a nice little kick in the butt.

That said, I chose to get one spur of the moment earlier this week and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Among the common threads that linked all my issues together was needing to feel confident in myself and my abilities. I have not been feeling appropriately confident and this has held me back. I know what I am capable of, I know what I can achieve and I know I have talents. But lately I’ve been questioning all of that, and have internalized it all as well. I know this hasn’t done me any good. What good is worrying anyway? I must remind myself of one of my favorite pieces of advice:
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t take you anywhere.

In that I must find my strength. And in action. I know that standing still won’t help me move forward, and I need to conjure up the courage to face my problems with my chin up and my smile on.

I’ve always found that when I feel good about myself, I look good in the mirror as well. When I feel down on myself, I look terrible. I find flaws, more reasons to hate this part of me, that part. Both positive mind sets and negative ones are miraculous in their own ways. While a positive one can make you see the greenest parts of life, a negative one can make you forget them, and in that they are both powerful. But a negative mind set never got anyone anything worth while, and I’m not about wasting any more of my time feeling sorry for myself, wishing I’d done this or that, or any other shit.

There is no one in this world that is better at piecing us together than ourselves. We tear ourselves apart, and we build ourselves back up. It’s a learning process. And I am currently learning to be more confident. To trust myself more. To know that I have worth and I need to project that part of me.

I have been told numerous times that when you are confident in yourself, others will see you as such as well. I think that’s true of all characteristics and emotions. And as such, I think it’s not only good, but vital, that we project ourselves as positive, open-minded, kind, and confident. No one likes to hang around a debby downer. It’s like sticking a cord in a socket that sucks all the energy out.

I know I can’t change overnight. I don’t expect to. Everything takes time and time heals all wounds. My goal for now is to remain centered and focused on myself. I need to reign in my energy and build up my confidence so I can project that and communicate to people that I am open, I am available, and I am approachable.

Changes

I feel like I’m kind of at a crossroads in my life. Maybe. I think.

There are times when I don’t know what I want to do anymore. But the fire within me for being a fashion designer still burns, and I still feel the same about it: my ultimate goal is to make people happy through clothes.

However, I’m having a hard time finding a way into the industry and getting myself known and showing off my abilities. But I live in Michigan. And the metro Detroit area to boot. We are starters here. What we don’t have, we make. My problem is not so much the making of goods, but rather the providing of services. I don’t know where to begin to get my product out, besides like Etsy, where the competition is so thick, I get lost in the throng.

I need immediate turnover. I need people to see my stuff and say yes, I want this now. I want this today. Not add it to some wishlist or favorites group for a maybe later. This is the biggest challenge for me. Is getting a footing and establishing myself. But I guess before I do that I need to figure out exactly what my niche is going to be. I seem to really be drawn to making jewelry. And taking photos. I haven’t properly sketched clothes since college to be honest, and that’s a problem. I don’t enjoy the computer aided design aspect of it at all and I’ll be the first to admit to it. I loathe the Gerber program and while Illustrator flats can be okay to do sometimes, I generally find the practice tedious and annoying. I am not a technical designer by any stretch.

But I like coming up with concepts and ideas and little details. I like making color palettes and organizing things and looking at things from different angles to better understand them. Nonetheless, I still feel lost. I know what I’m good at, but I tend to forget and think of myself as not being good at anything worth while. And then it’s a whole whirlwind of “BUT HOW WILL I SUPPORT MYSELF IF I CAN’T DO X AND Y!?” It’s a tumultuous mental journey that I’ve been having far too often lately and I need to figure out a way to get out of it. Like, asap.

On the bright side, I have faith things will turn around. They always do. There is an ending to every journey, so new ones may begin. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but I do know it will change. Everything always changes.

The Paradise

I started watching The Paradise on Netflix a couple days ago and I’ve fallen in love with it in the same head over heels way I fell in love with Downtown Abbey. And the only reason I’m comparing the two is because they’re both BBC shows and they both take place around the same time period – sort of. Downtown’s in the early 20th century, The Paradise takes place in 1875. Around, key word.

The series is about a girl name Denise (honestly, I think they could’ve picked a much nicer name for her) who comes to work for The Paradise after she is turned down by her uncle, who’s draping shop is across the street, because he can’t afford to have her on. Mr. Moray, the owner of The Paradise, takes a liking to Denise due to her constant great ideas and she becomes his new favorite, much to the dismay of her coworker Clara and her superior, Miss Audrey.

It’s a charming series so far, although I will admit some parts of it are a little predictable if you’re anything like me and you like watching period dramas. Not that I’m complaining. Clearly I still enjoy them.

Sadly, upon reading up on the series a little more, I found out BBC cancelled it after a second season to “make room for other shows” and additionally, it’s competitor on iTV, Mr. Selfridge’s, was doing better in viewer ratings. LAAAME.

But I want to watch Mr. Selfridge’s too. GET ON IT NETFLIX.

The Stresses

I’m upset.

Reason 1: 

Tonight I had to deal with very upset customers because one of my co-workers neglected to mention the item she bought was FINAL SALE (not returnable). At the end of the ordeal, the lady happy with a smile on her face. But that does not diminish the fact that I had to deal with her anger for a good 20 minutes prior to having to make her happy because of someone else’s ineptitude and greediness.

Reason 2:

With less than a week of wearing my second pair of contacts, I have officially put a tear in my left one while taking it out tonight because my nails are long and I pinched it out with my nails. This is entirely my fault. And I’m simultaneously mad and sad about it. It’s one of those situations where I just want to kick myself because there is no one else to blame but me. We have a word for it in Romanian, but there isn’t one in English.

Reason 3:

My job sucks. I hate retail. I hate customer service. Jobs in the field I studied are very much not abundant in Michigan and I do not have the funds to move out to a different state/country. Any time I apply for a design job that’s out of state, I feel like it’s completely useless and like I’m not being taken seriously because of where I got my degree from, because I’m out of state, and because no matter how impressive my skills set and honors are, I feel like my resume doesn’t reflect what verbal communication does.

Reason 4: 

I think the stress of working more and worrying about bills and future jobs prospects is making my hair fall out, but I’m not sure. My pony tail feels really small when my hair is straight or wet. But when it’s curly, it feels fine – it’s super thick as usual. The idea itself only adds to my worry list which I know is absolutely 100% NOT conducive for creating a positive outlook for myself.

Reason 5: 

I joined Weight Watchers again and instead of losing weight in the past week, I managed to gain weight. Additionally, I find that I do not have enough time in the day to exercise and do everything else I need to do. This is also stressful.

Can I please be a kid again? Life was so much simpler then.

Yup.

I’ve had several passing ideas for what to update this blog with recently but most of them either get forgotten or by the time I get around to updating, I feel so drained from whatever else I’ve done in the day, that I don’t have any desire to write anything.

The latter is currently in effect, although I’m forcing myself to get through it as I’m typing this.

Work has been very time consuming and relatively boring. Same shit, different day, basically. I’ve managed to read large chunks of young adult novels while there. And by that I mean I’ve read all of the currently published books by Rainbow Rowell and am hungrily awaiting Landline to come out. Someone should get Rainbow Rowell an award for “excellence in building sexual tension that is quickly resolved in a few short pages at the end of the book”. She’s a pro at this.

I started reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (leather-bound physical) as well as The Beginning of Everything by Robyn Schneider (Kindle). So far I’ve indulged more in the latter than the former, but that’s partly to do with the ease of lugging my tablet as opposed to a 5 pound hardback, but largely in part to do with it’s so much easier to read a fast-paced, modern vernacular young adult novel instead of a classic.

BUT ANYWAY.

Today was one of my rare days off and I spent the majority of it doing things that needed to be done, although all of them were spontaneous. I washed and changed my bed linens and drapes, dropped by about 20 large, overflowing bags of stuff at Salvation Army (mostly old fat clothes), picked up bread, and even stopped by the annual Glass Show which was actually a big disappointing. Apparently antique glassware is expensive. Personally I’d rather pay $55 for a set of crystal classes as opposed to one antique champagne glass, but that’s just me.

And now I gotta get my butt to bed so I can take as many hours and minutes of sleep as I can before I have to be rudely awaken at the ungodly hour of 4:45 am so I can be at job 2 at 6 AM tomorrow morning. I’m really not sure what I hate more: waking up before dawn or working until midnight. The upside of working the morning is I then have the rest of the day to myself to nap and exercise and do whatever and not feel anticipation for having to go to work later, which is largely the downside of working until midnight instead. Ya feel me?

I’m already looking forward to TOMORROW’S nightly bedtime when I won’t have to get up for anything except my body telling me I gotta pee.

Additionally, I had planned on participating in National Poetry Month (April) by writing a poem a day like I have for the past 2 years, but I definitely not written one single poem and I’m kinda sad about it. But I don’t feel any prevalent emotional baggage or recurring emotions that require the sweet release of poetry to do them justice. It makes me a bit sad actually.

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell: Book Hangover

I just finished reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell.

It was a REALLY GOOD BOOK and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU ALL READ IT if you’re into quirky YA novels. I am. I love YA novels. I will probably always love YA novels. And as a new reader of Rainbow Rowell, I quite enjoy her writing style.

Although I was basically live-blogging my frustration throughout the book to Betsy while I was reading it. It’s about a girl named Cath (who’s full name is Cather and has a twin named Wren, get it? Cather-wren? Catherine.) who’s a total awkward as fuck introvert, obsessed with an, IMO, HORRIBLE fictional series that basically sounds like a super shitty mix between Twilight and Harry Potter, called the Simon Snow series, and she writes fanfiction about it. Like is totally immersed and absorbed into the world of Simon Snow and the SS fanfic world. It’s basically her coping strategy with life.

Anyway, I’m not gonna spoil this book for all of you who might actually want to read it, but one of the main characters if Levi and I’ve never shipped anyone harder than I ship Cath/Levi. Like so hard, I actually opened up fanfiction.net after finishing the book tonight and read some Cath/Levi fanfic because I was like, I NEED MORE CATH/LEVI IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. #bookhangover

I’m shipping them so hard, I even SIGNED UP (pretty sure I’m actually already a member, but it’s been so long) on fanfiction.net so that I may eventually write/upload my own Cath/Levi. Yeah. This is serious people.

The ending to this book wasn’t satisfying enough for me, and I think Rainbow Rowell left it kinda open on purpose, so people would write fanfics, which is hilariously ironic, and I kinda like it. BUT I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS.

SPOILER ALERT – DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK –

Like, DID CATH AND LEVI HAVE SEX OR DID THEY NOT? Because there’s a few scenes where depending on how you decide to read the passages, it could mean they DID, or it could mean Cath was still a frigid virgin, afraid of anything more than just clothes on making out. Which is what I personally inferred from the text, although again, I was a little confused and though MAYBE, just maybe, Cath was like, alright. Since I love Levi, I’ll have sex with him. I’m a little upset it was explicitly stated whether they did or not. I WANNA KNOW.

Actually that’s about all I really wanted to know. Because that’s what was really left untied. Cath and Wren’s dad becomes irrelevant after Wren’s hospital stay, but I was okay with that because most scenes with their dad were pretty ZZZZZZ. As were all excerpts of Simon Snow and Simon Snow fanfic. I literally flipped through about 70% of that shit without reading it. I couldn’t handle how incredibly horrible the story was. Like, MERWOLVES? Really? A castle surrounded by a moat? Characters named Agatha? No. No no no no no. SNOOZEFEST. Glad they’re not real books. Although there was a very short real fanfic and I almost just vommed seeing it. SMH.

 

Salsa Dancing

So last week I went impromptu salsa dancing with a friend I hadn’t hung out with in nearly two years (because she unfriended me on Facebook after I temporarily put her on restricted because we were arguing about the Olympics and she was pissing me off) and it was actually pretty fun.

It was via Meetup.com, a website I’ve been a part of for almost a year, but have never attended any meetups prior to this one. I joined because last year in May when I had a psychic reading, the girl told me I need to put myself out there more and to try Meetup, so I said okay. ANYWAY.

One of the guys who was part of the Meetup group, Rich, ended up being my dance partner for the salsa lesson and the best way I can describe that experience is traumatic.

You know when you see people who have absolutely NO rhythm try to dance and you’re just like, how can one person be so stiff? That’s exactly this awkward Rich guy in a nutshell. Now I’m not claiming to be a professional or that I can dance really well. However, I know how to let loose and shake my hips and follow steps. And that’s what was part of the problem.

He COULD NOT follow steps (or let loose, like, at all) thus making ME look like I was the one who couldn’t dance because he couldn’t lead for shit during the partner lesson. There was a point where the teacher gave us a chance to find new partners if we wanted, and I was all for it, but no one else wanted to switch so I was uncomfortably stuck with this idiot. I kid you all not, I ran away from him the minute the lesson was over.

He tried to add me on Facebook later but I was saved the awkwardness by his friend calling him to the dance floor. Thank God.

I did get to dance with another guy, much older, maybe in this late 40s. His name was Alex and he hailed from quote, “the great Republic of Texas” and I legit thought he was going to say Congo after hearing Republic, even though he was clearly Hispanic. He was very good and spun me a lot which didn’t work out that great because even though he explained which hand movements meant what in terms of direction, I still didn’t catch on quick enough. Oh well.

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Fun night overall – even exchanged numbers with a girl from the Meetup group.

But God help me of I go to another salsa thing and Rich is there. I will spin myself around and walk away.