Two Years Later…

It’s been over two years since my last post on this blog and to be honest, there have been several times within the past two years that I’ve thought about posting here again, but for whatever reason, I just…didn’t.

For what it’s worth, I kind of want to retire this blog and start all over again. I also want to just wipe this one clean, save for a few posts, and start this specific URL over.

I have such a body of work on here though, that I consistently get views every. single. day. Something I wish I could say for my photography blog. I guess spewing young and naive vitriol about my life and opinions and shopping habits in college draws people in? The last key words that brought someone here were “fuck centipedes”, so, you know…I get it.

This isn’t really a post about anything other than the bittersweet feeling of being here again and being on the fence about what to do with this blog.

I feel like I’ve outgrown it, but at the same time, I feel like I can pick up where I left off.

I do, however, want to make a separate blog (I think) to chronicle my newfound dating life. The flowers in the desert, as I like to call them. Still trying to think of an appropriate/good name for it.

Anyway. That’s it. We’ll see where I land with this.

Bum Knees and Barbie Dolls

Hi.

It’s been a really long time.

There have been quite a few instances where I’ve thought about posting here, but somehow I always ended up doing something else, forgetting to, neglecting to, so on and so forth. And it’s really a bit of a shame, because this blog is a form of therapy.

And I need that right now. Which is why I’ve decided to update it again.

First thing’s first: I hyperextended my left knee on Wednesday evening at my new job, while I was squatting in some new linen pants I’d bought the previous day that have absolutely no give and get crazy tight when I bend my legs. I heard two very loud consecutive pops and it felt like my knee popped out and back in again, and I lost my balance. I felt immediate pain, but it wasn’t really excruciating, just extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t immediately ice it. In fact, I still had an hour and a half left of work before going home, and when I went home, I didn’t take care of the injury, but rather walked normally out and about for 3 hours with my mom with very minor, almost unnoticeable pain in my knee.

I went to work the following day, and progressively felt my knee feel stiffer. I mostly limped around all night. The following day (yesterday) I went to the doctor because as with nearly every time I’m injured or sick, my brain goes into hypochondria mode and I jump to the absolutely worst possible conclusions, this time being “WHAT IF I NEED SURGERY AND I NEVER WALK AGAIN” or “WHAT IF I NEED SURGERY AND THEY GIVE ME ANTIBIOTICS THAT I COULD BE ALLERGIC TO AND I DIE?” because that’s literally how my mind works. Anyway, doctor told me to basically relax, monitor the leg, and go to the ER/hospital if it gets worse. I also went in to get an X-Ray, which came out normal, thankfully.

In the past 36 hours, my knee itself has been relatively alright, but my calf (possibly Achilles tendon?) feels sore when I walk and stretch it or when I’m sitting and I push onto the balls of my feet. I believe this pain has gotten a little bit better in the last 6 hours or so. I called the clinic a couple hours after I woke up and told them my fears about my calf/Achilles and they just told me the same thing – to keep monitoring it, relax, ice it.

While I was waiting to be signed in for my X-Ray yesterday, I noticed two pennies on the ground, and as I was picking up the second, I noticed a third as well. I picked up a penny at work the other day as well, when I was limping around. I often find that when I’m in times of need or feeling hopeless or having ongoing anxiety attacks, I find coins everywhere. And I find it really comforting. I recall Sylvia Browne saying that your loved ones on the other side will drop coins around you to let you know they’re there for you. I think my loved ones drop them around me to let me know everything will be okay. And I am eternally grateful, because I often make a mountain out of a mole hill when it comes to medical problems. I need to see a therapist about it, I know.

961440_10155388603335322_86264162_nOn a somewhat related note, the night that I hyperextended my knee and went shopping with my mom, I bought two Barbies. Before you judge me, I ask that you don’t. I’m already judging myself. But I’ve wanted to customize and photograph and design clothes for them for nearly two years now, and I deeply regret donating the two I had for over a decade. They were much better quality, I could bend their limbs, their hair was nicer, and most of all, I didn’t pay for them. Plus, I had a box full of clothes for them. I donated that as well. I think. I may have thrown it away now that I think about it.

I started customizing them the night that I brought them home. I painted freckles on their faces. I painted the blonde’s eyes green and her lips red, and I plan on coloring her hair so she’ll be a ginger. I can’t do much with the other one’s hair – it’s a medium brown. I could dip dye it in something vibrant, perhaps. The blonde one came with a ton of shoes, half of which I spray painted black earlier today and are currently drying in my garage. I haven’t started making any clothes for them yet, but I want to recreate the carnation dress that won me that fashion show. Maybe Mattel will see my extraordinary creations and hire me to develop tres chic couture for Barbies to revamp their popularity with the youths of today.

And then, after all that labor, I plan on photographing them. One of my friends asked me if I’d made a light box yet, after I told him about this idea, and I said no, but that would be an awesome thing for this little plan, and he said that’s why he brought it up. So there’s that as well. That bit should be relatively easy actually.

So those are my most recent developments. The jewelry store closed down so I’m at a new retail place. And I teach painting, which I was supposed to do tonight, but ended up cancelling because I really didn’t feel up for it with this leg. Plus, I binge watched the entire first season of American Horror Story yesterday and today, and you know what, I don’t feel too guilty about it. I liked Evan Peters before, but now I like him even more. Like this show has reminded me how attractive I find him. I didn’t start the second season tonight because I don’t really like watching horror at night, so I’ll probably watch some tomorrow.

What I’ve Learned from Using Tinder for the Past 24 Hours

I’ve been toying around with signing up for a dating website for the past year or so. Monday night, I was inspired to browse the Google Play options for dating apps, and ended up downloading Tinder, just for funsies. I even got Betsy to join with me. We’ve both been playing around with it for the past 24 hours, and it has dominated our ongoing conversation – from telling each other weird names we come across, to admitting how awkward it is when you actually match with someone and messages are exchanged.

The way Tinder works is kinda neat. It gives you tiles of people one at a time, and you can swipe left for no and swipe right for yes. Each person also has a profile, and you can hit the info button to find out more about them, see more pictures, see if you have any Facebook friends in common and what interests you have in common. And thank god for that info button, but it has definitely helped in making affirmative decisions.

I think I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I find attractive in the past 24 hours. This is definitely a vain way of meeting people, but you’re lying if you say you don’t judge people by their appearance first. That said, here’s a list of things I find amusing/big turn offs/wtf are you doing with your life/why would you put that out there?

– If you have “gym enthusiast” or anything related to that in your profile, I probably think you’re a douchebag who’s full of himself and how he looks and will left swipe you.
– Multiple pictures of yourself at the gym/flexing/half naked/doing some kind of sport? Probably think you’re a sporty douchebag and will left swipe you.
– Guys who have multiple pictures with multiple people and you can’t tell which one is supposed to be them.
– Guys who have pictures of any number of girls beside them. ????????
– Guys who have pictures of themselves with kids. And then specify in their profiles that it’s their nephew/niece.
– Guys who give off a general douche vibe.
– Guys who look like they would be total assholes to me/generally make me feel uncomfortable about myself.
– Guys with multiple pictures of themselves with their bros, especially at frat parties/gym sessions. Take your beer and get out of here.
– Guys who have things like “Getting swol at the gym” and other such ridiculous shit in their profiles.
– Anything along the lines of “I’m a practicing Catholic” or other bible humping stuff in the profile.
– Pictures from multiple stages of your life where you look totally different. ?????????????????????
– Car selfies.
– Sunglasses. Especially in multiple pictures.
– Multiple pictures of far away shots in scenic landscapes doing stuff like skiing, surfing, marathoning, etc. Are you trying to showcase yourself or the land?
– Name dropping your frat in your profile. #reallydontgiveafuck
– Having any real life friends in common, especially those who I don’t really talk to/associate with, but I’m FB friends with them just because.
– Being contradictory in messages to what you say you’re looking for in your profile. #don’ttrustahoe
– Insufficient amount of pictures.
– Insufficient or no profile info.
– Bad grammar. (One guy had “manors” instead of “manners”)
– Advertisement of your Instragram/Snapchat/Kik info.
– Saying you’re a “country boy” in your profile. #whatthefuckdoesthatevenmean #thisismichiganforgodssake
– Guys who look like they would make for awkward/uncomfortable sexual partners.
– Smokers
– Multiple pictures holding drinks/beers + talking about your love of drinking/partying/clubbing. #douchebagalert
– Good looking to the point of looking intimidatingly good looking.
– Having 0 interests in common. I like over 2000 things on Facebook, how do you not like any of those things on Facebook as well?
– All the tall guys (6 ft and up) state their height and I think it’s because they know women wanna climb them like a tree.
– Pets in your pics = you’re clearly trying to score brownie points.
– “Not looking for a quick hookup, but it may interest you to know I’m incredibly hung.” WOOOOOW.
– “Looking for a cuddle buddy.” No, you’re looking for sex.
– If I know you in real life, I’m probably swiping left.
– Model-like pictures/bad quality pictures.
– Unkempt/out of control/sad beards.
– Bad conversationalist.

I’m pretty sure I could add so many more things, but I’m going to stop there for now. I should mention that despite all of those stipulations that make me swipe left, I’ve matched with quite a nice handful of guys and even talked to a few of them. There is hope. I added girls to the mix too just to see what pops up. Only 2 have popped up in the tiles so far.

If you’ve got Tinder stories, hit up my comments section, I wanna hear them.

Confidence

I really enjoy getting psychic/intuitive readings. I find that getting someone else’s perspective on things is exactly the thing that I need sometimes to help me see things from a different perspective, and give me a nice little kick in the butt.

That said, I chose to get one spur of the moment earlier this week and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Among the common threads that linked all my issues together was needing to feel confident in myself and my abilities. I have not been feeling appropriately confident and this has held me back. I know what I am capable of, I know what I can achieve and I know I have talents. But lately I’ve been questioning all of that, and have internalized it all as well. I know this hasn’t done me any good. What good is worrying anyway? I must remind myself of one of my favorite pieces of advice:
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t take you anywhere.

In that I must find my strength. And in action. I know that standing still won’t help me move forward, and I need to conjure up the courage to face my problems with my chin up and my smile on.

I’ve always found that when I feel good about myself, I look good in the mirror as well. When I feel down on myself, I look terrible. I find flaws, more reasons to hate this part of me, that part. Both positive mind sets and negative ones are miraculous in their own ways. While a positive one can make you see the greenest parts of life, a negative one can make you forget them, and in that they are both powerful. But a negative mind set never got anyone anything worth while, and I’m not about wasting any more of my time feeling sorry for myself, wishing I’d done this or that, or any other shit.

There is no one in this world that is better at piecing us together than ourselves. We tear ourselves apart, and we build ourselves back up. It’s a learning process. And I am currently learning to be more confident. To trust myself more. To know that I have worth and I need to project that part of me.

I have been told numerous times that when you are confident in yourself, others will see you as such as well. I think that’s true of all characteristics and emotions. And as such, I think it’s not only good, but vital, that we project ourselves as positive, open-minded, kind, and confident. No one likes to hang around a debby downer. It’s like sticking a cord in a socket that sucks all the energy out.

I know I can’t change overnight. I don’t expect to. Everything takes time and time heals all wounds. My goal for now is to remain centered and focused on myself. I need to reign in my energy and build up my confidence so I can project that and communicate to people that I am open, I am available, and I am approachable.

Changes

I feel like I’m kind of at a crossroads in my life. Maybe. I think.

There are times when I don’t know what I want to do anymore. But the fire within me for being a fashion designer still burns, and I still feel the same about it: my ultimate goal is to make people happy through clothes.

However, I’m having a hard time finding a way into the industry and getting myself known and showing off my abilities. But I live in Michigan. And the metro Detroit area to boot. We are starters here. What we don’t have, we make. My problem is not so much the making of goods, but rather the providing of services. I don’t know where to begin to get my product out, besides like Etsy, where the competition is so thick, I get lost in the throng.

I need immediate turnover. I need people to see my stuff and say yes, I want this now. I want this today. Not add it to some wishlist or favorites group for a maybe later. This is the biggest challenge for me. Is getting a footing and establishing myself. But I guess before I do that I need to figure out exactly what my niche is going to be. I seem to really be drawn to making jewelry. And taking photos. I haven’t properly sketched clothes since college to be honest, and that’s a problem. I don’t enjoy the computer aided design aspect of it at all and I’ll be the first to admit to it. I loathe the Gerber program and while Illustrator flats can be okay to do sometimes, I generally find the practice tedious and annoying. I am not a technical designer by any stretch.

But I like coming up with concepts and ideas and little details. I like making color palettes and organizing things and looking at things from different angles to better understand them. Nonetheless, I still feel lost. I know what I’m good at, but I tend to forget and think of myself as not being good at anything worth while. And then it’s a whole whirlwind of “BUT HOW WILL I SUPPORT MYSELF IF I CAN’T DO X AND Y!?” It’s a tumultuous mental journey that I’ve been having far too often lately and I need to figure out a way to get out of it. Like, asap.

On the bright side, I have faith things will turn around. They always do. There is an ending to every journey, so new ones may begin. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but I do know it will change. Everything always changes.

The Stresses

I’m upset.

Reason 1: 

Tonight I had to deal with very upset customers because one of my co-workers neglected to mention the item she bought was FINAL SALE (not returnable). At the end of the ordeal, the lady happy with a smile on her face. But that does not diminish the fact that I had to deal with her anger for a good 20 minutes prior to having to make her happy because of someone else’s ineptitude and greediness.

Reason 2:

With less than a week of wearing my second pair of contacts, I have officially put a tear in my left one while taking it out tonight because my nails are long and I pinched it out with my nails. This is entirely my fault. And I’m simultaneously mad and sad about it. It’s one of those situations where I just want to kick myself because there is no one else to blame but me. We have a word for it in Romanian, but there isn’t one in English.

Reason 3:

My job sucks. I hate retail. I hate customer service. Jobs in the field I studied are very much not abundant in Michigan and I do not have the funds to move out to a different state/country. Any time I apply for a design job that’s out of state, I feel like it’s completely useless and like I’m not being taken seriously because of where I got my degree from, because I’m out of state, and because no matter how impressive my skills set and honors are, I feel like my resume doesn’t reflect what verbal communication does.

Reason 4: 

I think the stress of working more and worrying about bills and future jobs prospects is making my hair fall out, but I’m not sure. My pony tail feels really small when my hair is straight or wet. But when it’s curly, it feels fine – it’s super thick as usual. The idea itself only adds to my worry list which I know is absolutely 100% NOT conducive for creating a positive outlook for myself.

Reason 5: 

I joined Weight Watchers again and instead of losing weight in the past week, I managed to gain weight. Additionally, I find that I do not have enough time in the day to exercise and do everything else I need to do. This is also stressful.

Can I please be a kid again? Life was so much simpler then.

Yup.

I’ve had several passing ideas for what to update this blog with recently but most of them either get forgotten or by the time I get around to updating, I feel so drained from whatever else I’ve done in the day, that I don’t have any desire to write anything.

The latter is currently in effect, although I’m forcing myself to get through it as I’m typing this.

Work has been very time consuming and relatively boring. Same shit, different day, basically. I’ve managed to read large chunks of young adult novels while there. And by that I mean I’ve read all of the currently published books by Rainbow Rowell and am hungrily awaiting Landline to come out. Someone should get Rainbow Rowell an award for “excellence in building sexual tension that is quickly resolved in a few short pages at the end of the book”. She’s a pro at this.

I started reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (leather-bound physical) as well as The Beginning of Everything by Robyn Schneider (Kindle). So far I’ve indulged more in the latter than the former, but that’s partly to do with the ease of lugging my tablet as opposed to a 5 pound hardback, but largely in part to do with it’s so much easier to read a fast-paced, modern vernacular young adult novel instead of a classic.

BUT ANYWAY.

Today was one of my rare days off and I spent the majority of it doing things that needed to be done, although all of them were spontaneous. I washed and changed my bed linens and drapes, dropped by about 20 large, overflowing bags of stuff at Salvation Army (mostly old fat clothes), picked up bread, and even stopped by the annual Glass Show which was actually a big disappointing. Apparently antique glassware is expensive. Personally I’d rather pay $55 for a set of crystal classes as opposed to one antique champagne glass, but that’s just me.

And now I gotta get my butt to bed so I can take as many hours and minutes of sleep as I can before I have to be rudely awaken at the ungodly hour of 4:45 am so I can be at job 2 at 6 AM tomorrow morning. I’m really not sure what I hate more: waking up before dawn or working until midnight. The upside of working the morning is I then have the rest of the day to myself to nap and exercise and do whatever and not feel anticipation for having to go to work later, which is largely the downside of working until midnight instead. Ya feel me?

I’m already looking forward to TOMORROW’S nightly bedtime when I won’t have to get up for anything except my body telling me I gotta pee.

Additionally, I had planned on participating in National Poetry Month (April) by writing a poem a day like I have for the past 2 years, but I definitely not written one single poem and I’m kinda sad about it. But I don’t feel any prevalent emotional baggage or recurring emotions that require the sweet release of poetry to do them justice. It makes me a bit sad actually.