What I’ve Learned from Using Tinder for the Past 24 Hours

I’ve been toying around with signing up for a dating website for the past year or so. Monday night, I was inspired to browse the Google Play options for dating apps, and ended up downloading Tinder, just for funsies. I even got Betsy to join with me. We’ve both been playing around with it for the past 24 hours, and it has dominated our ongoing conversation – from telling each other weird names we come across, to admitting how awkward it is when you actually match with someone and messages are exchanged.

The way Tinder works is kinda neat. It gives you tiles of people one at a time, and you can swipe left for no and swipe right for yes. Each person also has a profile, and you can hit the info button to find out more about them, see more pictures, see if you have any Facebook friends in common and what interests you have in common. And thank god for that info button, but it has definitely helped in making affirmative decisions.

I think I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I find attractive in the past 24 hours. This is definitely a vain way of meeting people, but you’re lying if you say you don’t judge people by their appearance first. That said, here’s a list of things I find amusing/big turn offs/wtf are you doing with your life/why would you put that out there?

– If you have “gym enthusiast” or anything related to that in your profile, I probably think you’re a douchebag who’s full of himself and how he looks and will left swipe you.
– Multiple pictures of yourself at the gym/flexing/half naked/doing some kind of sport? Probably think you’re a sporty douchebag and will left swipe you.
–¬†Guys who have multiple pictures with multiple people and you can’t tell which one is supposed to be them.
– Guys who have pictures of any number of girls beside them. ????????
– Guys who have pictures of themselves with kids. And then specify in their profiles that it’s their nephew/niece.
– Guys who give off a general douche vibe.
– Guys who look like they would be total assholes to me/generally make me feel uncomfortable about myself.
– Guys with multiple pictures of themselves with their bros, especially at frat parties/gym sessions. Take your beer and get out of here.
– Guys who have things like “Getting swol at the gym” and other such ridiculous shit in their profiles.
– Anything along the lines of “I’m a practicing Catholic” or other bible humping stuff in the profile.
– Pictures from multiple stages of your life where you look totally different. ?????????????????????
– Car selfies.
– Sunglasses. Especially in multiple pictures.
– Multiple pictures of far away shots in scenic landscapes doing stuff like skiing, surfing, marathoning, etc. Are you trying to showcase yourself or the land?
– Name dropping your frat in your profile. #reallydontgiveafuck
– Having any real life friends in common, especially those who I don’t really talk to/associate with, but I’m FB friends with them just because.
– Being contradictory in messages to what you say you’re looking for in your profile. #don’ttrustahoe
– Insufficient amount of pictures.
– Insufficient or no profile info.
– Bad grammar. (One guy had “manors” instead of “manners”)
– Advertisement of your Instragram/Snapchat/Kik info.
– Saying you’re a “country boy” in your profile. #whatthefuckdoesthatevenmean #thisismichiganforgodssake
– Guys who look like they would make for awkward/uncomfortable sexual partners.
– Smokers
– Multiple pictures holding drinks/beers + talking about your love of drinking/partying/clubbing. #douchebagalert
– Good looking to the point of looking intimidatingly good looking.
– Having 0 interests in common. I like over 2000 things on Facebook, how do you not like any of those things on Facebook as well?
– All the tall guys (6 ft and up) state their height and I think it’s because they know women wanna climb them like a tree.
– Pets in your pics = you’re clearly trying to score brownie points.
– “Not looking for a quick hookup, but it may interest you to know I’m incredibly hung.” WOOOOOW.
– “Looking for a cuddle buddy.” No, you’re looking for sex.
– If I know you in real life, I’m probably swiping left.
– Model-like pictures/bad quality pictures.
– Unkempt/out of control/sad beards.
– Bad conversationalist.

I’m pretty sure I could add so many more things, but I’m going to stop there for now. I should mention that despite all of those stipulations that make me swipe left, I’ve matched with quite a nice handful of guys and even talked to a few of them. There is hope. I added girls to the mix too just to see what pops up. Only 2 have popped up in the tiles so far.

If you’ve got Tinder stories, hit up my comments section, I wanna hear them.

SPOILERS: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

I haven’t written in here for a while, but I somehow feel compelled to share my thoughts on movies after I see them.

Case in point: I just came home from seeing Dawn of the Planet of the Apes about ten minutes ago, and it was such a good movie, that I cried the entire second half of it. I think I’ve mentioned both of these things before, but:

1. I’ve taken to going to movies by myself because life it too short to miss out simply because your friends/family can’t/won’t/aren’t able to go see movies with you.
2. I rate how good movies are by how much I cry (if applicable).

That said, spilling tears for half of one pretty much means it’s entered itself into the upper ranks of my movie hierarchy. It was very emotional, it had a good plot line, and the imagery/CGI work was stunning. I still think Caesar is attractive. And his son, Blue Eyes, is equally attractive. (I’m pretty sure they did that on purpose though.) And Koba is still ugly as fuck.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Looks aside, I started crying at the point when Koba seemingly shot and killed Caesar after the humans finally managed to get the dam working and provide electricity to San Francisco. For the next, IDK, maybe like 15 minutes or so? the movie continued on and I kept crying and thinking HOW COULD THEY KILL CAESAR!?! But then they took a break and followed Malcolm, Ellie, and Alex trying to get back to their car, and Ellie found Caesar sprawled in the grass and she gasped.

AND THEN CAESAR’S EYES MOVED AND I WAS LIKE PRAISE JESUS, PRAISE JESUS! I’m pretty sure I started crying harder at this point. When they got him in one of their trunks and were discussing it among themselves about how so and so could’ve done this to Caesar, he interrupted them and said no, ape did this to ape. BAWLING.

So then he directs them to take him to his old house, where James Franco’s character raised him in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Ellie fixes him and bandages him up, but not before Blue Eyes comes back with Malcolm, and Caesar has a heart to heart and tells him Koba did this and I WAS CRYING SO HARD AT THIS POINT. IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL AND EMOTIONAL SCENE. Then Blue Eyes goes back to the city to help free the imprisoned Caesar loyalists, and Caesar’s still at home, and he finds an old tape recorder and hits play on it and it’s a recording of James Franco’s character teaching him to sign and AGAIN, CRYING LIKE A BABY.

I’m not going to mention the rest cause I really recommend you all go see it. However, I will say that I fear in the next PotA movie, Koba will come back with a rebellion. And I really don’t want to see his ugly face anymore.

The Paradise

I started watching The Paradise on Netflix a couple days ago and I’ve fallen in love with it in the same head over heels way I fell in love with Downtown Abbey. And the only reason I’m comparing the two is because they’re both BBC shows and they both take place around the same time period – sort of. Downtown’s in the early 20th century, The Paradise takes place in 1875. Around, key word.

The series is about a girl name Denise (honestly, I think they could’ve picked a much nicer name for her) who comes to work for The Paradise after she is turned down by her uncle, who’s draping shop is across the street, because he can’t afford to have her on. Mr. Moray, the owner of The Paradise, takes a liking to Denise due to her constant great ideas and she becomes his new favorite, much to the dismay of her coworker Clara and her superior, Miss Audrey.

It’s a charming series so far, although I will admit some parts of it are a little predictable if you’re anything like me and you like watching period dramas. Not that I’m complaining. Clearly I still enjoy them.

Sadly, upon reading up on the series a little more, I found out BBC cancelled it after a second season to “make room for other shows” and additionally, it’s competitor on iTV, Mr. Selfridge’s, was doing better in viewer ratings. LAAAME.

But I want to watch Mr. Selfridge’s too. GET ON IT NETFLIX.

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell: Book Hangover

I just finished reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell.

It was a REALLY GOOD BOOK and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU ALL READ IT if you’re into quirky YA novels. I am. I love YA novels. I will probably always love YA novels. And as a new reader of Rainbow Rowell, I quite enjoy her writing style.

Although I was basically live-blogging my frustration throughout the book to Betsy while I was reading it. It’s about a girl named Cath (who’s full name is Cather and has a twin named Wren, get it? Cather-wren? Catherine.) who’s a total awkward as fuck introvert, obsessed with an, IMO, HORRIBLE fictional series that basically sounds like a super shitty mix between Twilight and Harry Potter, called the Simon Snow series, and she writes fanfiction about it. Like is totally immersed and absorbed into the world of Simon Snow and the SS fanfic world. It’s basically her coping strategy with life.

Anyway, I’m not gonna spoil this book for all of you who might actually want to read it, but one of the main characters if Levi and I’ve never shipped anyone harder than I ship Cath/Levi. Like so hard, I actually opened up fanfiction.net after finishing the book tonight and read some Cath/Levi fanfic because I was like, I NEED MORE CATH/LEVI IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. #bookhangover

I’m shipping them so hard, I even SIGNED UP (pretty sure I’m actually already a member, but it’s been so long) on fanfiction.net so that I may eventually write/upload my own Cath/Levi. Yeah. This is serious people.

The ending to this book wasn’t satisfying enough for me, and I think Rainbow Rowell left it kinda open on purpose, so people would write fanfics, which is hilariously ironic, and I kinda like it. BUT I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS.

SPOILER ALERT – DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK –

Like, DID CATH AND LEVI HAVE SEX OR DID THEY NOT? Because there’s a few scenes where depending on how you decide to read the passages, it could mean they DID, or it could mean Cath was still a frigid virgin, afraid of anything more than just clothes on making out. Which is what I personally inferred from the text, although again, I was a little confused and though MAYBE, just maybe, Cath was like, alright. Since I love Levi, I’ll have sex with him. I’m a little upset it was explicitly stated whether they did or not. I WANNA KNOW.

Actually that’s about all I really wanted to know. Because that’s what was really left untied. Cath and Wren’s dad becomes irrelevant after Wren’s hospital stay, but I was okay with that because most scenes with their dad were pretty ZZZZZZ. As were all excerpts of Simon Snow and Simon Snow fanfic. I literally flipped through about 70% of that shit without reading it. I couldn’t handle how incredibly horrible the story was. Like, MERWOLVES? Really? A castle surrounded by a moat? Characters named Agatha? No. No no no no no. SNOOZEFEST. Glad they’re not real books. Although there was a very short real fanfic and I almost just vommed seeing it. SMH.

 

Salsa Dancing

So last week I went impromptu salsa dancing with a friend I hadn’t hung out with in nearly two years (because she unfriended me on Facebook after I temporarily put her on restricted because we were arguing about the Olympics and she was pissing me off) and it was actually pretty fun.

It was via Meetup.com, a website I’ve been a part of for almost a year, but have never attended any meetups prior to this one. I joined because last year in May when I had a psychic reading, the girl told me I need to put myself out there more and to try Meetup, so I said okay. ANYWAY.

One of the guys who was part of the Meetup group, Rich, ended up being my dance partner for the salsa lesson and the best way I can describe that experience is traumatic.

You know when you see people who have absolutely NO rhythm try to dance and you’re just like, how can one person be so stiff? That’s exactly this awkward Rich guy in a nutshell. Now I’m not claiming to be a professional or that I can dance really well. However, I know how to let loose and shake my hips and follow steps. And that’s what was part of the problem.

He COULD NOT follow steps (or let loose, like, at all) thus making ME look like I was the one who couldn’t dance because he couldn’t lead for shit during the partner lesson. There was a point where the teacher gave us a chance to find new partners if we wanted, and I was all for it, but no one else wanted to switch so I was uncomfortably stuck with this idiot. I kid you all not, I ran away from him the minute the lesson was over.

He tried to add me on Facebook later but I was saved the awkwardness by his friend calling him to the dance floor. Thank God.

I did get to dance with another guy, much older, maybe in this late 40s. His name was Alex and he hailed from quote, “the great Republic of Texas” and I legit thought he was going to say Congo after hearing Republic, even though he was clearly Hispanic. He was very good and spun me a lot which didn’t work out that great because even though he explained which hand movements meant what in terms of direction, I still didn’t catch on quick enough. Oh well.

IMG_115458265332737

Fun night overall – even exchanged numbers with a girl from the Meetup group.

But God help me of I go to another salsa thing and Rich is there. I will spin myself around and walk away.

Game of Thrones (Spoilers)

I’ve started watching Game of Thrones because we upgraded our internet speed and I can now actually watch shit without it interrupting, etc.

I’m pretty hooked and now that I think about it, I’ve spent 13 hours in the past week watching all of season 1, and 3 episodes thus far of season 2. It’s really good, and I think I’m actually going to read the books in the future. (Just started reading the Matched series by Ally Condie, and there’s still some others ahead on the list.)

However, I must say I absolutely love Daenerys Targaryen. And the word Khaleesi. I keep repeating it in my head throughout the day. Quite sad Khal Drogo died though, I really liked him after she was like hey, let me fuck you instead of you raping me every night. Also, I KNEW she was going to hatch those fucking dragon eggs. They kept panning over them in season 1.

 

My friend Krista was right though, NO ONE IS SAFE. FREAKING LORD STARK!? They killed Lord Stark! I couldn’t believe it. He was a main character, I wasn’t expecting it, though the tension was certainly there throughout all of season 1.

Also fucking L.O.L. at Theon Greyjoy fondling his sister. I’ve witnessed a lot of incest in the past week in movies/tv shows (Flowers in the Attic, Django Unchained, Game of Thrones) and I continue to find it both amusing and intriguing. I love how in the next episode he yells at her like YOU LET ME TOUCH YOU! And she’s all yup, I did.

And then Renly Baratheon and Maergery Tyrell’s relationship – LOLLLLLL. “Do you want my brother to come in and help?” I laughed. She’s totally okay with him being gay/bisexual and having her brother warm up his dick. That is bloody fantastic.

Starting Mini VK with Biffle Time

HURRRRMMMERGURD.

I just spent today and yesterday with my biffle Alyza on our much anticipated and planned 2 day biffle date. I hadn’t seen her in a long time so I was QUITE excited to spend time with her. Plus her bday’s coming up in a few days and I had a giant bag of xmas/bday presents to give her, so like, extra excited. I love giving gifts.

Anyway, yesterday we shopped even though the roads were shitty and several stores at my local mall were closed. Then we came home and did stupid stuff like put fake eyelashes on and make a PodBot video cause we haven’t made one since MARCH this past year – wtf!?

Today we tried to take my laptop apart and failed. We ordered chinese food and then we spent the rest of the day making paintings for each other. It was relaxing and fun and it’s times like these that I wish we lived closer. I mean obviously we still live close – we’re not states apart like my other 2 best friends are. But it takes some determination and about a quarter tank of gas. But it’s worth it.

It’s been a good start to my mini week-long vacation.