Beating On and On

I just finished watching Beyond the Blackboard on Hallmark channel – an actually good Hallmark movie! I was an emotional wreck the entire time, and I’m not sure if it’s because the movie was truly touching (it was), I’m extra hormonal/emotional, or because it’s the kind of movie that puts my problems in perspective.

At any rate, I continue to oscillate between feeling good about myself and my current life situation, and feeling restless and disappointed in myself and where I am in life.

I guess I should be happy that I just got “promoted” to low-end full time hours at work. But I’m not getting paid any higher and all it really means is I’ll be at that wretched place more often dealing with more idiots and drama and seeing that place more days a week. It’s not that I’m not thankful for a marginal increase in my still below poverty income level – but I feel stuck and uninspired and not like I’m fulfilling any kind of destiny here.

I’m trying not to lose hope in myself and in my dreams and what I know I’m capable of. But I keep finding myself berating myself mentally for not doing this, not doing that, eating this, not eating that, etc. Some days all I want to do is cry, but what’s that going to help?

There is no point in worrying – as I often like to remind myself, and anyone else who over-worries – worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but never gets you anywhere. Things will work themselves out somehow, someday. I have faith in that. There are no good things without suffering, and if this is the suffering I must go through, then it’s not all that bad compared to the struggles other people go through.

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