Beating On and On

I just finished watching Beyond the Blackboard on Hallmark channel – an actually good Hallmark movie! I was an emotional wreck the entire time, and I’m not sure if it’s because the movie was truly touching (it was), I’m extra hormonal/emotional, or because it’s the kind of movie that puts my problems in perspective.

At any rate, I continue to oscillate between feeling good about myself and my current life situation, and feeling restless and disappointed in myself and where I am in life.

I guess I should be happy that I just got “promoted” to low-end full time hours at work. But I’m not getting paid any higher and all it really means is I’ll be at that wretched place more often dealing with more idiots and drama and seeing that place more days a week. It’s not that I’m not thankful for a marginal increase in my still below poverty income level – but I feel stuck and uninspired and not like I’m fulfilling any kind of destiny here.

I’m trying not to lose hope in myself and in my dreams and what I know I’m capable of. But I keep finding myself berating myself mentally for not doing this, not doing that, eating this, not eating that, etc. Some days all I want to do is cry, but what’s that going to help?

There is no point in worrying – as I often like to remind myself, and anyone else who over-worries – worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but never gets you anywhere. Things will work themselves out somehow, someday. I have faith in that. There are no good things without suffering, and if this is the suffering I must go through, then it’s not all that bad compared to the struggles other people go through.

I Don’t Get Paid Enough to Deal with Rude People

I’ve talked about negativity and how much I dislike it a lot on this blog. Let me reiterate that: I hate negativity. Which is a negative feeling in itself.

Tonight I had a customer call (who called about 2 weeks ago for the same reason) to inquire about whether her ring was back. So I asked her a few questions like back from what exactly, what her name was and was it a layaway or repair to which she very rudely answered that it was a repair and then very snappishly told me that I should know where things are because I work there. I deeply regret biting my tongue because I was about to tell this bitch that I was asking her questions so I could gather where I should be looking to find out where her ring is.

Mind you, last time she called, she did not give me any specifics out right without my asking about where I should be looking for her ring.. It wasn’t there and I was under the impression that our jeweler had it (98% of our repairs are handled by our jeweler) and I told her this and she yelled at me that I should know where her ring is because I work there. Which, by the way, PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. JUST BECAUSE I WORK HERE DOESN’T MEAN I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I ALSO DIDN’T HANDLE YOUR FUCKING REPAIR. I’m calmer at this moment than I was both times after talking with her, but I assure you all that this lady is a fucking cunt and I’m being very docile in explaining the situation right now.

Anyway, I looked in our repair book and saw that her ring had been sent to the vendor, which is OVER SEAS. Vendor repairs generally take between 6-8 weeks to return back home. This bitch’s ring has been out for 3 weeks. 3 fucking weeks and she’s HARASSING ME. So I told her the vendor has it and SHE FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME. No words. Simply *click*.

I fucking snapped.

I yelled “HELLO!?” into the phone even though I knew she’d hung up but I was half hoping she’d still be on the line. And then I said FUCKING BITCH. OOOOOOOOOOOO I wish she’d still been on the line to hear that. I cannot even BEGIN to explain how much this bitch pisses me off. She calls and harasses me like this all the time and then just fucking HANGS THE FUCK UP without saying anything while I’m still giving her information.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

I swear to god, if this interaction had happened in real life, I might’ve lost my job. Like I might’ve hopped the fuck over the counter and beat a bitch. I told our LP guy the whole story and the entire time I was beating my fist into my palm because I was THAT angry. The utter disrespect and rudeness of this fucking bitch makes me sick to my stomach. Just because I work in customer service/retail doesn’t give you any fucking right to talk to me like that.

FUCK the “customer is always right” slogan. That shit is bullfuckingshit and we all know it. 9 times out of 10, the customer is wrong and I shouldn’t be bending over backwards to please their ignorant ass. I don’t get paid enough for this fucking shit.

Later in the night, a foreign man whistled for his wife to meet him in the front of the store. I was startled at first. Then he kept doing it. Quick and loud whistles as if it was summoning at a dog. I looked up and gave him a severe dirty look because:
1. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!??!!?
2. It was hurting my ears.
3. How fucking demeaning is that!?

Lastly, as I was walking into Meijer tonight, a foreign lady and presumably her daughter looked at me weird/kinda annoyed because they wanted to exit through the IN door that I was coming in. They have automatic doors with signs that say “DO NOT ENTER” if you’re going the wrong way (which they were) and “IN” for the right way. Again – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!? Don’t fucking look at me like I’m on the one who’s doing something wrong because you don’t have enough brains to look at the signs on a fucking door.

Additionally, my boss was aggravated which did not create is a friendly work environment today. We were mostly silent and I’m okay with that because it leaves more room for me to think and keep to myself. But when we did talk, or rather SHE talked, it was to complain about various stupid things other employees did. I find this unprofessional.

The world was here to piss me off today.

On Weight Gain and Mental Beatups

It seems that every time I make a post here I’m complaining about something.

Today it’s my weight.

In the past year, I’ve really let myself down and gained back 10 lbs that I worked very hard to lose in the year prior. I cannot even begin to describe how absolutely awful I feel about it and how much I beat myself up over it mentally. It’s actually pretty toxic and I know that every time I think negative thoughts like that, when I look in the mirror, I see myself as ugly and fat and etc etc.

I know that when I think positive thoughts that I see myself as beautiful and not so fat, etc. It’s amazing what the mind can do.

It’s also amazing how easy it is to let yourself lose control. And the worst part is that there is no one to blame but yourself. This is a really tough journey and the only person you can hold accountable for failures and successes is you.

I think maybe even harder than all of that is learning to embrace the journey as a whole, regardless of whether you have failures or successes, and keep in mind that it is an ongoing, life-long JOURNEY that requires positive mental interactions with oneself, positive affirmations, and trust and belief in yourself that you can and you will do what you say you will.

The reason I quit Weight Watchers was because I was cheating myself on the program. I wasn’t tracking anymore (physically, anyway, I’d do it mentally) and I didn’t care whether I went over my points for the day. I wasn’t really lying to myself so much as trying to justify “oh, an extra point here and there won’t hurt”. But it did hurt.

I’m trying to make better dietary decisions again. I already eat well by most standards – heavily vegetarian/vegan with poultry and seafood. However, the pasta and dairy families continue to be my by biggest downfalls. I overindulge in both of these and I know that I need to stop or lessen my intake. “It’s so hard” is not a good enough excuse and I know it.

I’m also TRYING to go to the gym more often again as well, however, work and the weather have both been getting in my way, resulting in lazy days. I did just finish a 30 day yoga challenge, which really helped me get more flexible, but I haven’t been inclined to do HIIT at home in a while and that’s hurting me as well.

I just need to get back on track overall and I need to do it NOW because I’m sick of beating myself up mentally and going into minor depressions about it. I worked so hard to get to where I am, I am NOT allowed to sabotage all that hard work. I will NOT go back to wearing my old wardrobe, I absolutely refuse.

Happy and Stressed

A huge milestone has officially been reached in my life as of yesterday: I have bought my first brand spanking new car! Like, new car smell and automatic windows and remote start and all.

It is both thrilling and terrifying. While I don’t know firsthand what it’s like to have kids, I imagine it’s a lot like being a car owner. You’re constantly worried about their safety, making sure to steer them carefully and being extra cautious about others in the near vicinity. I checked on it constantly while I was at work today to make sure no one was parked too close or threatened the safety of it.

I drove extra cautiously to make sure I didn’t get in an accident or pulled over (partly because I left my proof of insurance and purchase at home) and exited carefully as well to make sure the door didn’t hit anything. Seriously, owning your own brand new car is a lot of stress.

Anyway, so we (the family) went out to dinner tonight because I had $125 in giftcards to Outback Steakhouse, to celebrate getting this car. FOR WHATEVER REASON, my dad decided that we should take my old ghetto car, which is now replacing his even ghettoer car, and I still cannot fathom WHY. That car is too small to fit us all in there comfortably and we could have taken my mom’s which is the roomiest  and everyone would have sat comfortably with enough leg room.

So I ordered 2 Sangrias and got drunk to cheer myself up a bit because I was genuinely angry. However, at the end of the night, everyone was rushing me to get up and go home – which is another thing I don’t understand because what the fuck are we going to do at home? – so I went back to being pissed off and I yelled at everyone about the whole car thing. First time being angry drunk.

I’m just really stressed out right now with student loans, car payments, my various bills, things that need to be bought for the house that no one else is going to pick up the bill on, both jobs and trying to find a better paying job or a third job. And on top of it all, familial interactions are stressful as fuck. My mom’s mom got a computer and the internet and we’ve been talking on Google hangouts, however sometimes I don’t answer because I don’t have anything to say and she gets upset.

IT’S JUST TOO MUCH.

I need to get away from here.

On the bright side though, check out the dashboard on my baby. It’s pretty baller.

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