On Business Plans and “Love”

I AM FINALLY DONE WITH MY BUSINESS PLAN OMFG.

But I’m not done with presentation about my business plan. In fact, right now, I’m supposed to be working on it, but I’m so burned out and emotionally….burdened, that I really need to just vent everything and take a mental break from this shit.

Last night I stayed up until about 1:30 writing about 95% of my business plan. Actually, there wasn’t much writing involved, as I discovered that I had actually (to my surprise) written the majority of it over the last few weeks. But putting it all into a new document really helped me focus and hone my energy into perfecting it to the best of my ability. We’ll see how I actually score on it. There is so much repetition in that thing, omg…

Also, IDK what the fuck is going on in my “love life”. Like, does it exist? I’m still really confused about this shit. I feel like the universe is once again dangling some carrot in front of me, allowing me to nibble on it, and then SNATCHING IT AWAY FROM ME. I’m unsure if this is partly self-inflicted, though I think it might be.

I have a tendency to overthink everything. That’s just my nature. I come to conclusions that I ought not to come to based on observations and assumptions from people’s body language, the things they say (the inflections they say them with) and how they act around or toward me.

Recently, there was a surge in my “love life”. I’m not sure if I should talk about it in past tense or present tense, actually. I feel like it’s dipped down and I have no idea if it will rise again. But upon further self-reflection and analysis, I find this interesting. I feel like we have this idea in our heads about what love should be like. It’s fed to us by movies, tv shows, music, stories, etc. I count myself among the people who hold these ideas on a pedestal in their mind. I know it’s not a good thing to do. But as someone who has never experienced requited love, these stories are like the bread to my hunger.

And so, when real life throws the intricacies of actual “love” (in all its forms and elements) my way, I find myself confused, unsure if it’s actually happening, over-analyzing every aspect of the situation, and losing about 5 pounds in one week (of water weight, most likely) due to all those hormones raging through my body.

I’m like an overexcited puppy when that kind of attention is thrown my way. I know I need to work on that – and I am! I’m starting to get better. But I also feel its in my nature to be like that. I can’t help it. It’s disgusting.

I dunno. I’m just in emotional turmoil right now, wondering if the sudden halt in the surge is due to me being weird/awkward/overexcited, or whether it’s to do with forces/situations outside of my control that have nothing to do with me. I’d like some answers, honestly, cause I’m driving myself crazy coming up with fallacies. I’m going with the flow as best as I can though. I’m letting whatever might be growing to grow as organically as possible.

Sigh.

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