Today, I can’t choose between being grateful that my mother taught me good manners, or being grateful for asshats whose douchebag qualities hurt my feelings but ultimately make me stronger, so I will be grateful for both.
Let me elaborate.
I like thrifting. I like the possibility of finding designer merchandise for cheap – like the genuine Burberry scarf I found tonight for $4.00. However, I do not like feeling uncomfortable shopping in a store because one of the employees is an asshat I grew up and went to school with.
It started off when I passed by the counter and he asked if I was ready to check out and I said no. Awkward encounter #1, check. Avoiding eye contact when I need a fitting room? Awkward encounter #2, check. But what really topped it off was what actually made me cry in my car on the ride home the entire time.
As he was cashing me out, while the Verifone machine was transmitting information, he stepped back and whispered something to his co-worker just low enough that I could figure out that he was talking about me, but not enough that I could hear what exactly he was saying. Followed by an out loud “But maybe it’s just me” and something else that my brain has already blocked out. I felt so small and awkward and inadequate and hurt.
Furthermore, I am ashamed of myself for even letting it get to me. For allowing myself to be feel uncomfortable around him and others like him, and allowing their energy and words to have any sort of power over me. Because honestly, when it comes down to it, no one can make you feel inferior with your consent. And I let that happen.
It’s not my fault that he chooses to be a cunty douchebag, but it is my fault that I allow his presence to disturb my happiness.
I’m working on this.