I Like to Scare Myself Sometimes

Sometimes I watch movies like Valentino: The Last Emperor and Marc Jacobs & Louis Vuitton and I’m like…goddamnit. Why did I choose such a competitive profession to be in?

Today I watched Seamless, a movie that chronicled the journeys of (mainly) 3 designers in the CFDA’s first ever Vogue Fashion Fund competition in 2004. They focused in on Proenza Schouler (who won, by the way) Doo Ri and Cloak by Alexandre Plohkov.

Proenza Schouler duo Lazaro Hernandez and Jack McCollough

Anyway, watching movies like this that really get up and personal with fashion designers scares me. They really put the whole thing into perspective – especially Seamless. It wasn’t all too in-depth, as some other movies I’ve seen have been. But one of the parts that really stuck out to me were the interviews the designers had with the judges, in which they were asked about profitability, overhead, volume, and all that other stuff that I know I should probably learn to concern myself with, but I honestly don’t want to. I can’t tell if it’s the terminology that scares me, or the reality of having to probably actually know all of it.

Not only that, but the winners, Proenza Schouler, were 25 and 26 at the time that they won this award. Not to mention, their senior design thesis was bought by Barney’s and sold in stores. Let me type that one more time for everyone: THEIR SENIOR DESIGN THESIS WAS BOUGHT BY BARNEY’S AND SOLD IN STORES.

Shit like that makes me feel inferior and further confused about what exactly it is that I want to do with my fashion degree. First of all, let me say that I’m pretty sure Barney’s would never buy any collection that an IADT senior would make, because like…we just don’t produce those kinds of designers. Like even I’m not lofty enough to presume such high aspirations. I feel like people who go to Parsons (i.e. Proenza Schouler!) have a refined eye for design. Now, I will say that I believe I personally belong there, however. (Side note: short history as to why I’m still in Michigan – my mom convinced me to stay at home for college due to financial reasons.)

But the fact of the matter is that I do not go to Parsons and my senior design studio collection will not be bought by any major retailer. And it’s not that that scares me. What scares me is that there are people out there my age who are doing greater things than I am. While I’m admittedly envious of this, I also see the other viewpoint: I will also do great things. In my own time. I can feel it.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but I have a deeply ingrained feeling that I am destined for greatness. Cliche? Maybe. Lofty? Maybe. Determined? Absolutely. No one will ever be able to tear down that pedestal I’ve placed myself upon because I make what I want to happen, happen.

So while watching movies like Seamless scares me, they also mentally empower and prepare me for the road I’m walking down. And I think part of the reason I watch them is because I enjoy scaring myself like that. I enjoy preparing myself for success, even if it means I get a little flustered in the process. What is life without adventure and risk, anyway?

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