On Anxiety, The Fault in Our Stars, and Feeling Attractive

Well, as I happily updated last night, my eyeballs are okay! I went in for an emergency eye exam after class and found out that in fact, my retinas are not detaching (yet, at least) but are rather in the same state they were last year – just thinning. They’ve been thinning for years now actually. I remember I was told by my old eye doctor in 7th grade that they were thinning, which sent me into a downward spiral or paranoia and anxiety for 2 years, until finally, one day in 9th grade Honors English, my friend Krista, tired of hearing me freak out about my eyes, yelled at me that IT CAN BE FIXED! And somehow, that simple frustrated statement calmed me down completely and I didn’t think about it again until very recently when I noticed floaters and flashes.

But, thankfully I’m okay and I don’t need surgery or cryogenics to freeze any holes in my eyes because there are no holes in my eyes, apparently. I bought milkshakes for everyone last night after the exam to celebrate. And then I took pictures of my wonderfully dilated doe eyes:

I wish my pupils were this huge at all times.

On a note that I will relate back to this topic, I read chapters 2 and 3 of The Fault in Our Stars last night by John Green. THAT SHIT IS SO GOOD YOU GUYS. I was going to stop at chapter 2 because I was tired, but I was like FUCK IT I can’t put this down.

I came to the conclusion that I wish Augustus Waters was a real person. Like, why can’t there be some attractive guy in my life who uses big words in witty comments about total the fear of total oblivion and asks me to watch V for Vendetta at his house and flirts with me incessantly? Why? Why can’t these people be real? Why can’t there be some guy out there who is perfectly sweet and interested and completely okay with my anxious-paranoia state of mind when it comes to medical problems like my eyeballs?

I really hope whoever I end up with (if anyone ever) will be able to adequately handle my mental problems with these things. Not that I have actual mental problems, but I drive myself insane with anxiety/paranoia when it comes to any medical complications. They always trump anything else in my life and I spend every breathing moment thinking of the worst possible scenarios of whatever affliction I have. It’s vicious.

On the bright side, finding out I’m okay made me feel a million times better, and so, I dressed accordingly. And I can tell I lost weight and I feel so damn good.



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