This One’s For You, Em.

Dear Marshall Mathers,

Earlier this month when I said that Billy Talent are lyrical geniuses of my generation, I probably should’ve parenthesed (?) you in there, because there are few people out there who can spit out a rhyme like you can. So let me start off by saying that I love you, I love you, I love you. I have loved you from the first time I heard Slim Shady playing on 93.1 DRQ over a decade ago and I have continued to love you through your entire musical metamorphosis.

I don’t remember when I learned you were from Michigan, or even when I learned we used to live in the same area and went to the same school, but I remember feeling unbearably proud. I am still unbearably proud to say that yes, I used to attend Lincoln and that yes, 8 Mile was right there and that yes, I did actually used to live a few blocks down from your often-rapped about home on Chalmers.

But going back to your music, and especially your musical metamorphosis – I don’t think I’ve ever stuck around a musician who has changed their sound for so long. You went from this punkass white kid with a semi-squeaky voice, rapping about killing bitches to this mature, beautiful man rap-singing about the saddest shit I’ve ever heard in the form of the song Space Bound. I don’t think I could be prouder to just…be from the same place as you.

And that’s another thing. I feel like a lot of us here in Michigan, and if not a lot, at least me, feel as if even though we don’t know you personally, we act like we kind of do. For example, I know a plethora of people who know you personally, so I guess I could say I have 1 degree of separation in many directions. Also, I’m still pretty sure I saw you driving once and that was one of the best days of my life. It is a goal in life for me to meet you some day. I will bask in the ambiance of your white boy accent and probably foam at the mouth just because.

I hope you continue to make music and I really hope you get your ridiculous titillating and shocking shit back. Remember when The Slim Shady LP came out and everyone was beyond outraged? Yeah, come on Em, gimme some ‘o dat. I wanna listen to you go on about outrageous things like throwing bitches in the lake. Stan was a ground-breaking song. I want more. I also wish you’d get your squeaky punkass voice back. I appreciate your matured deep man voice, but god…The Slim Shady LP and The Marshall Mathers LP were just phenomenal pieces of work.

Much love,
Forever a fan

P.S. When I was about 12 or 13, I totally bought a hoodie from Steve & Barry’s just because it said MARSHALL on it, in your honor. Dedication, homeboy.

Dear Etsy Sellers

Dear Etsy Sellers,

I’m gonna try to keep this short since I only have a few things to complain about.

First of all, I’d like to say that most of you have some RIDICULOUS prices for what you’re selling. Not all of you! But a lot of you. Who in their right mind is about to drop $35,000 on a 2 carat diamond ring on Etsy? Really? Or more than $3 on something made of brass or plastic or resin or otherwise worthless. Let’s not fool ourselves here – if you want people to pay high prices, make good products out of high quality materials.

This ring is $35,000. You’d think I’d understand that, being in fine jewelry. I don’t. It’s not even like pure gold. 18 karats? Shitty.

Secondly, all of you who have those illegal BNS things and illegally email other users and harass them to be in the BNS’s need to stop. Like, now. I don’t fucking want 3 emails a day from your ass. Who are you? I don’t care about your shit, you’re not GAP telling me I get to save 40% on something I want, so don’t email me. Thanks.

Thirdly, I still think the majority of you guys are buttholes. I continue to find that many of you hold on to your “trade secrets” like it’s a sin to utter a word about them. I’m not trying to steal your business. I just want to know where I can find assloads of crystals for prices lower than your retail ones. Why is that so hard to divulge? Like, maybe I just want to have buckets of quartz and bismuth. 

That’s really about it. I don’t expect things to change, but boy, wouldn’t it be nice?

– A Fellow Seller

Dear Customers

Dear Customers,

It seems we’ve had these discussions before, but apparently it never gets old. So let’s talk about all the dumb shit you all do that makes my life harder.

Let’s begin with last-minute shopping. If you’re walking into a store half an hour prior to closing, you are a last-minute shopper and I want to punch you in the face. By this time, I’m probably ready to or have already printed out today’s posting and x reports and I’m ticking the time until I can put the first covers on the back cases. Also, if you’re walking in that late, you’re probably one of those dumbasses who is completely oblivious to regular store hours and I want to double punch you in the face. Majority of stores close at 9 PM Monday-Saturday and believe it or not, 6 PM on Sunday – lucky you, my store is open until 7 cause corporate is a bunch of money-hungry douchebags. Either way, you should be aware of this information at all times and quit trying to stop at 6:53 PM on a Sunday evening, thanks. This isn’t Meijer, we’re not open 24/7 so get the fuck out.

Secondly, all of you who don’t read your receipts or fail to ask about return policies are dumbasses as well. I will include myself in this because I admittedly don’t read my receipts often – but that’s because I’m positive about what I’m buying and I’m not going to have second-thoughts. The rest of you, however…well. Let’s just say you are informed that you cannot return clearance items on your receipt, and you would know that if you had glanced at it, regardless of whether or not myself or my coworkers tell you.

Also, can you be any more rude? I know you can see that I’m busy with another customer, so why the fuck do you think it’s okay to yell at me to show you something across the shop when you can clearly see that I’ve got merchandise out and I’m calculating stuff with this other person? What, you think you’re more important? LOL, you’re not the queen of England, so suck my dick and wait your goddamn turn. Trust me honey, the jewelry’s not gonna grow legs and walk away while I’m with someone else. Calm your fucking tits and quit banging on the glass, thanks.

Yes, I do really need your ID. Yes, it’s nice to know you wouldn’t steal the jewelry, but I still need your ID. No, I can’t just check the price, I need your ID before I can open a case. Yes, someone stole something and that’s why I’m asking for your ID and yes it is our insurance policy and it is posted on all our cases. Oh, you’ve never been asked for your ID here before, well things change. Oh, you don’t want to give me your ID? That’s cool, I don’t really care, you’re just saving me time I don’t have to be wasting with you cause we both know you wouldn’t buy anything anyway. Next!

I AM NOT CUSTOMER SERVICE. STOP ASKING ME WHERE THE BATHROOM/VARIOUS DEPARTMENTS/UMBRELLAS ARE. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU CAN TAKE YOUR RETURNING MERCH AROUND THE STORE WITH YOU. GO ASK THE REGISTERS. AND QUIT GETTING PISSY WITH ME WHEN I DON’T KNOW THESE ANSWERS. I DON’T WORK IN THE STORE.

When you ask me if it’s gold or diamonds I want to ask you are you retarded or just stupid? And when you ask me if gold is going to turn colors, I want to ask you if you’re retarded or just stupid? And when you ask me why don’t they make blah blah blah in gold and I tell you it’s because no one would buy it because it would be so expensive you’d shit your pants, and then you whine, I want to tell you that you just bitched 5 minutes ago that blah blah blah in gold that we just looked at was too expensive for your tastes – why would you expect this to be any less expensive if it were in gold? AND YES GOLD IS REALLY EXPENSIVE AND YES THAT’S HOW MUCH THAT COSTS AND NO I CAN’T GIVE YOU THAT PRICE, I’M NOT THE BOSS AND THAT’S A RIDICULOUS PRICE, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU.

I could go on, but frankly I can’t remember all the shit I put up with from all of you, so I’ll leave it here for now.

– Your Jewelry Sales Rep

Oh Love, Where Art Thou?

Dear Love,

I feel like we’ve had this conversation before, but why? Why must I wait for you for so long? Why must I be deprived of you, while others flourish in your glory all around me? Why must you continue to elude me, hovering a carrot in front of my face as if I were a rabbit for your entertainment?

It seems so unfair that I’m still waiting for experiences that I should’ve had in high school, like nearly everyone else. I feel like a freak, something to be gawked at in a vaudeville circus. I feel abnormal. Frankly, sometimes I feel ashamed. I’m trying to cope with the idea that the immense lack of you in my life is okay, but it’s kind of hard. I don’t feel it’s okay partly because society tells me it isn’t, and partly because…it’s just so abnormal.

On the bright side, however, I am still brimming with hope that one day that carrot will finally fall into my mouth and I’ll get what I want. I’ll have you, love. I’ll have you and I’ll hold you and I’ll cherish you and one day I’ll be so happy that you’re finally, really in my life.

It just hurts having to wait for so long. It hurts not knowing when I’ll have you, if I’ll ever really have you. But I’m waiting. Impatiently, but waiting. Hurry the fuck up.

xoxo,
Viviana

Listen Here, Businesses with Insufficient Sprinklers!

Dear Businesses That Irrigate Your Premises with Insufficient Sprinklers,

Okay listen. I appreciate the fact that ya’ll feel the need to look all cute and presentable and have nice manicured lawns because it looks good for business, but I don’t know when the last time was that ya’ll took a stroll outside while your sprinklers were watering your grass, so let me tell you something: I swear to god nearly every one of you have one or more rogue sprinklers that water CONCRETE. They are spraying the GODDAMN CEMENT.

I’m by no means an environmental activist, but things to do with conserving the forests and especially fresh water have always held a place in my heart. I don’t know if ya’ll have checked the amount of fresh water available on this planet in comparison to the amount of people and animals, but last I heard, we’re like always in shortage. Hence all those people around the world who have trouble getting clean water and need special taps. Meanwhile all you assholes are over here in the States are spraying water all over cement neglecting the fact that all that water you wasted probably could’ve quenched the thirst of 3 small villages.

All I’m saying is that all ya’ll need to firstly check your stupid sprinklers and make sure they’re spraying grass, not concrete, and secondly, maybe invest in those kinds of gentle circular sprinklers instead of the traditional ones that make that cliche sprinkler noise and only water one area. I mean, it just makes so much more sense. Not only will you not be potentially wasting water on concrete, but you’ll also be irrigating more of your grass. DO I HEAR A WIN FUCKING WIN!?

THIS IS WHAT YOU ALL NEED.

Sincerely,
A Very Annoyed Driver Who Sees This Shit All the Fucking Time