Dear Customers

Dear Customers,

It seems we’ve had these discussions before, but apparently it never gets old. So let’s talk about all the dumb shit you all do that makes my life harder.

Let’s begin with last-minute shopping. If you’re walking into a store half an hour prior to closing, you are a last-minute shopper and I want to punch you in the face. By this time, I’m probably ready to or have already printed out today’s posting and x reports and I’m ticking the time until I can put the first covers on the back cases. Also, if you’re walking in that late, you’re probably one of those dumbasses who is completely oblivious to regular store hours and I want to double punch you in the face. Majority of stores close at 9 PM Monday-Saturday and believe it or not, 6 PM on Sunday – lucky you, my store is open until 7 cause corporate is a bunch of money-hungry douchebags. Either way, you should be aware of this information at all times and quit trying to stop at 6:53 PM on a Sunday evening, thanks. This isn’t Meijer, we’re not open 24/7 so get the fuck out.

Secondly, all of you who don’t read your receipts or fail to ask about return policies are dumbasses as well. I will include myself in this because I admittedly don’t read my receipts often – but that’s because I’m positive about what I’m buying and I’m not going to have second-thoughts. The rest of you, however…well. Let’s just say you are informed that you cannot return clearance items on your receipt, and you would know that if you had glanced at it, regardless of whether or not myself or my coworkers tell you.

Also, can you be any more rude? I know you can see that I’m busy with another customer, so why the fuck do you think it’s okay to yell at me to show you something across the shop when you can clearly see that I’ve got merchandise out and I’m calculating stuff with this other person? What, you think you’re more important? LOL, you’re not the queen of England, so suck my dick and wait your goddamn turn. Trust me honey, the jewelry’s not gonna grow legs and walk away while I’m with someone else. Calm your fucking tits and quit banging on the glass, thanks.

Yes, I do really need your ID. Yes, it’s nice to know you wouldn’t steal the jewelry, but I still need your ID. No, I can’t just check the price, I need your ID before I can open a case. Yes, someone stole something and that’s why I’m asking for your ID and yes it is our insurance policy and it is posted on all our cases. Oh, you’ve never been asked for your ID here before, well things change. Oh, you don’t want to give me your ID? That’s cool, I don’t really care, you’re just saving me time I don’t have to be wasting with you cause we both know you wouldn’t buy anything anyway. Next!

I AM NOT CUSTOMER SERVICE. STOP ASKING ME WHERE THE BATHROOM/VARIOUS DEPARTMENTS/UMBRELLAS ARE. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU CAN TAKE YOUR RETURNING MERCH AROUND THE STORE WITH YOU. GO ASK THE REGISTERS. AND QUIT GETTING PISSY WITH ME WHEN I DON’T KNOW THESE ANSWERS. I DON’T WORK IN THE STORE.

When you ask me if it’s gold or diamonds I want to ask you are you retarded or just stupid? And when you ask me if gold is going to turn colors, I want to ask you if you’re retarded or just stupid? And when you ask me why don’t they make blah blah blah in gold and I tell you it’s because no one would buy it because it would be so expensive you’d shit your pants, and then you whine, I want to tell you that you just bitched 5 minutes ago that blah blah blah in gold that we just looked at was too expensive for your tastes – why would you expect this to be any less expensive if it were in gold? AND YES GOLD IS REALLY EXPENSIVE AND YES THAT’S HOW MUCH THAT COSTS AND NO I CAN’T GIVE YOU THAT PRICE, I’M NOT THE BOSS AND THAT’S A RIDICULOUS PRICE, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU.

I could go on, but frankly I can’t remember all the shit I put up with from all of you, so I’ll leave it here for now.

– Your Jewelry Sales Rep

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