Dear Wal-Mart

Dear Wal-Mart,

You have simultaneously disappointed and made me happy today. I’m happy because you guys always carry, like ALL the Febreze air freshner fragrances and I totally bought an apple one for my room. Thank you for that Wal-Mart. Also, thank you for $1.88 bags of Starbursts for the library.

However, and I suppose I should preface this by saying that one should expect a stench of cheapness and slight desperation when one enters Wal-Mart, but I was perusin’ your ladies clothes and must say that since the last time I was at Wal-Mart, which was a little less than a year ago, that section of your store has become quite possibly the saddest clothing section of any store ever. I might even go as far as saying sadder than Meijer’s cheapass clothes. The only nice thing I found was a pair of Detroit Tigers ladies booty shorts for $17 and we both know the only reason those shorts were $17 was because they were licensed. They probably cost $0.37 to make.

But that’s beside the point. Listen Wal-Mart, I totally understand the whole trickle down, trickle-up and that one plateau theory – I had to study that shit, after all. But I’ve never seen so much unfashionable fashion vomit in my life, and I work in the store that brings a lot of shit in. I mean, sublimation shirts, Wal-Mart? Really? THOSE ARE NOT CUTE. THEY WEREN’T EVEN CUTE WHEN THEY STARTED MAKING THEM IN 2008. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP WEARING THEM AND THEY WON’T STOP WEARING THEM IF STORES LIKE YOU HAVE THEM READILY AVAILABLE LIKE 1990S HAIR SCRUNCHIES.

If you’re wondering what sublimation tops are, they’re the ones that look like they’ve been folded, painted, and then unfolded to show the uncolored strips underneath.

Also, I’m pretty sure I might have vommed in my mouth seeing racks and racks of the UGLIEST FUCKING PRINTS MY POOR EYES HAVE EVER LAID UPON. I’m talking like ugly dark colors (IT’S SUMMER FOR GODSAKE) small paisley and what I think might have been the saddest “floral” prints on this planet. I understand following trends, BUT YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

I really should have taken a picture of this one bathing suit I found, because it was the most atrocious thing I’ve ever seen. I even said to my mom WHO FUCKING APPROVES THIS SHIT!? Listen Wal-Mart, all I’m saying is that ya’ll need to get your shit together and maybe like, fire your whole fucking apparel team and hire new blood, cause while I understand that you guys cater to the lower-end customer, they shouldn’t suffer in looks. I feel like just because you shop at Wal-Mart doesn’t mean you have to LOOK like you shop at Wal-Mart, you know what I mean?

Seriously though…Can you guys like…hire me or something? I’m down for being creative director of the apparel department. I will revamp ALL dat shit. No more vomitrocious prints and cheesy 2002 Little Miss Sunshine graphic t-shirts.

– Viviana

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