Fear: Rejection.

I should start keeping a mini notepad with me at all times so I can write down the ideas that come to me throughout the day of what I should talk about here cause I always forget when the time comes to write. I know I had specific ideas while I was at work, but I’ve forgotten them.

Instead, I will brood some more on my lack of a love life. The other day I watched a video from Dr. Carmen Harra about ‘the secret to perfect relationships‘. Let me preface this by saying that when I had that whole drama-llama shit about the memes 2 weeks ago, I remember getting on Facebook and BAM that video was IN MY FACE and I thought how fitting, God or whoever plays these things like this, to shove an answer in my face at such a time. I didn’t watch it then but kept it in the back of my mind.

Anyway, in this video she explains things that I think we all subconsciously know but refuse to acknowledge in the conscious level of existence. In order to maintain good relationships one must first switch off fear and defensiveness, and turn on self-awareness, patience, and tolerance. Now, I’m not going to go into detail about all these points because it’s easier to just watch the video, but I will draw a conclusion on fear. In the video she says when you’re afraid of something, you draw in exactly that which you fear into your life.

She says you can eradicate your fear with a little bit of introspection: ask yourself what you’re afraid and why you’re afraid of it. Where did it come from? So I did just that. In terms of my love life I determined that I’m afraid of rejection because I’ve been through nothing but rejection all my life. I’ve been broken-hearted and left to pick up the pieces so many times, I’ve lost count. Literally. I’m sick of going through that and I want to throw my towel up but I can’t because I still have hope right now. It’s a flickering flame and it’s been rooted in me since last summer.

Furthermore, if the law of attraction holds true then is my desire to attract someone (in particular)…stronger…because I want it so much? I go back and forth on this often, and I know in order to truly see any kind of positive result I should let go of the fear and doubt that it couldn’t or won’t happen as I want it to. I know that clouds the possibility of it really happening, but I also know that it hurts to have your hopes shattered. I’ve had all kinds of grieving processes in the past from a broken heart. Some of them were like ripping band-aids off – quick and only mildly painful. Others have been really rough and sometimes I still feel that achey heart feeling thinking about them. I don’t want to go through that again. Part of it feels like I might. The other part of me hopes the complete opposite. 

And it’s moments like this that make me hyper-excited to get my ‘fortune told‘. I should’ve asked that psychic last summer more in-depth questions about my love life. Not sure if I ever mentioned it, but she told me I’d be married within the next 3 to 4 years and I would have 2 kids. It still blows my mind.

P.S. It’s rather difficult to write posts of this nature sometimes without mentioning names or clues about who they might be referring to. But I think I beat around the bush well enough…Even though I kind of don’t want to, like, at all. Why are we humans so lame like that?

ETA: I found this on Tumblr earlier today and wanted to share it. Highly, HIGHLY relevant, because freaking YES PLEASE.

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