You know how sometimes you sit there knowing what you want to say but not entirely sure whether or not you should say it? It’s not even necessarily something important or controversial or anything like that, but rather just passing (or not so passing) thoughts you feel you want to share with people and at the same time don’t. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past hour or so. Surfing the internet, avoiding writing a post for these reasons:
1. I wasn’t exactly sure what to write about. Sometimes the topic well dries up.
2. I was hoping for a stroke of brilliance. Not sure this is it, but at least I’m writing something?
Also, do you ever notice when you’re in love/lust with someone you kinda get your head stuck in a bubble…or rather you have perma-love/lust goggles on? I always found that fascinating throughout my life. It’s kind of like, no matter what the person who you’re love/lusting for does or says, etc., you think it’s the greatest shit in the world. Now, that’s a little exaggerated, but it’s the basic idea I’m trying to get at.
For example, they could be spouting off all kinds of things that perhaps generally you’d be a little offended by or otherwise, but because you hold this certain special spot for them in your little heart, you let it slide. But the whole time, in the back of your mind you know you’d probably be annoyed if you didn’t have just a huge boner for them.
Furthermore, ever noticed how when you’ve got the love goggles on, whoever that respective person is, they’re like, 100x more attractive than they’d be if you didn’t have a raging erection for them? They could be your average person walking down the street, but because your brain decided to, oh I don’t know, glorify this person, you find them to be God’s gift to Earth. And it gets better. If you get close enough, they start to smell good too. Regardless of whether or not they’re sprayin’ Axe all over themselves – pheromones are a-waftin’ in your direction and they smell like 37 pounds of pure, unadulterated sexual tension.
And then all you can think about is all kinds of various scenarios with this person in your head. From the obvious sexual ones to the “holy crap am I really planning a wedding, kids, and home life with this person in my mind right now?” thoughts. Don’t forget the meeting the parents, showering together, cooking adventures, back to sex, witty banter conversations, what it might be like to sleep in the same bed, more sexualness, traveling together, etc etc etc – all rushing through your mind in a mere split second the moment you see them walk in a room or catch yourself getting a whiff of their pheromones. And all you want to do is cut that sexual tension with a knife and spatulate (YEAH I MADE THAT WORD UP) that shit on a plate with some whipped cream and a bing cherry on top and serve it.
But you have to sit there and bite your tongue and endure not entirely knowing whether or not you’re imagining the sexual tension because you can’t just ask, that’s awkward. You have to beat around the bush and play stupid little games and worry yourself a little sick wondering whether or not they reciprocate your feelings, hoping and praying and really wanting to believe that your brain isn’t tricking you into believing they like you back because you like them so much that you’re starting to lull yourself into seeing what you want to see.
Yes, love/lust is interesting. But it’s worse not knowing whether that person reciprocates your feelings because you feel like you’re constantly being pulled along this fish line with no definite answer. At least then you can grieve about it and move on if they don’t. Right? It hurts, but it’s true.
ETA: I completely forgot to add what happens after the love/lust goggles come off. Are you ready for this? You come to your damn senses and realize that person isn’t actually that hot, they’re not actually that smart or witty, and you wonder to yourself, what the hell was I thinking? AND THEN YOU DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!